Lispenardlover - Hope

october 22, 2023

I just read the first chapter of the “axiom of equality” part of a little life and dude I’m really reconsidering the way I view life as a whole.

x=x, yes Jude, I feel you so fucking much, all my life I felt like I wouldn’t surpass this feeling of being wrong, the wrongdoings of my childhood, my mistakes and mistakes of others done to me haunt me every single moment of my days, maybe If I were funnier, maybe I if worked on my weight a little harder it would disappear, what did I do to deserve so much hate from others as a kid? to experience the heavy bullying? why should it stain my memory like a wine stained carpet? (you get used to it but it’s never really clean, this metaphor worked in my head so please bear with it). and Caleb, man I’ve met so many fucking Calebs in my life, people i trusted at first sight, thought it could work just to be utterly disappointed at the outcome.

“you’re not your past”, easier said than done.

it’s 3:15 a.m where I live as i’m writing this and I doubt i’ll be able to afford a good night of sleep due the mental state i find myself in. I haven’t cried once while reading this book, maybe it’s because I see so much of myself in these characters that I’m just perplexed and angry, at myself, at others who made me feel like a complete piece of shit my whole life, at the JB’s, cause we all have that one friend that, at some point, made fun of our insecurities and left us feeling like garbage.

read “a little life” by Hanya Yanagihara, i promise it’ll change you and the way you interpret life and others (and i haven’t even finished it yet)

summer

moments from a little life

“a little life is trauma porn” tell me you had an easy childhood without telling me you had an easy childhood

hanya yanagihara lives in my head. she just gets it, and people don't like what she says because she doesn't sugarcoat things, she tell stories of tragic lives and unspeakable lives. People want and need to have an optimistic sight of life when that's not always the case. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you work on yourself and how much you hope and how much you try, things that happened to you can't be heal or forget and the best you can do it's trying to live with it the best way you can, to accommodate the life that's left.

Things don't magically get better.

floating jude st. francis head but he's no longer floating and also my ipad is pissing me off bc it makes the colors all wonky when i save it 🤬

joobie st frankie

all of my little a little life friends you are going to LOVE all of us strangers

“a little life is ableist”

SHUT UP SHUT IP

as a disabled person when i read “people who had been made disabled felt they had been robbed of something” i had to put the fucking book down and recollect BECAUSE HANYA GOT IT SO CORRECT SO SHUT THE FUCK UP

When your card declines at therapy so they remind you how Jude knows for certain how true the axiom of equality is, because he himself––his very life––has proven it. The person I was will always be the person I am, he realizes. The context may have changed: he may be in this apartment, and he may have a job that he enjoys and that pays him well, and he may have parents and friends he loves. He may be respected; in court, he may even be feared. But fundamentally, he is the same person, a person who inspires disgust, a person meant to be hated.

girl snack