Frisbee Eating An Algae Tab Then Remembering She’s A Carnivore

Lil Hamsters BBs

Don’t know about you…but I can definitely relate to these guys!

OH YE OF LITTLE FACE

hey everybody, welcome to another amazing installment of Weird Biology and WOWIE ZOWIE do I have an odd one for you today!

this bizarre creature is among the largest of its kind, but bears hardly any resemblance to the rest of the family. (we’re sure this gets mentioned a lot at its family holiday dinners.) it has a real mouthful of a name and the spirit of a cranky old man about to whack you in the shin with his walker.

give it up for…

I’ll just give this image a moment to sink in.

(it’s also called the small-headed softshell turtle, because scientists are a bunch of mean highschoolers.)

seriously, I don’t even really know where to START with this guy. unlike the humble regular earnest hardworking turtle, the Narrow-Headed Softshell Turtle does not have an armored shell (hence the name). instead, its shell is soft and leathery. like a pair of well-broken-in Timblerland boots, except that the boots will not bite you.

oh, he is absolutely going to bite you.

this soft pliable shell cuts down on the turtle’s weight by a huge amount, making them far more agile in the water and faster on land than a conventional everyman turtle (this should make you worried). the flattened shape of the shell also makes them more hydrodynamic, making them faster in the water than you can possibly imagine.

for a turtle, I mean.

this is an important advantage, because the Narrow-Headed Softshell Turtle spends most of its life in the water. they live on the bottoms of sandy rivers across a wide area of central and southern Asia, where they reach sizes best described as fucking huge. adults can reach up to 45 inches (shell length only) and 260 fucking pounds (whole damn turtle). 

their total body length can be over a meter. fuuuuuuuuck. a turtle that size needs a LOT of shoulder room, especially because the adults are a bunch of cranky ginormous chompmonsters. (can’t really blame them, I guess. I’d be irritable too, if my head was that small)

now imagine a cheesed-off 260-pound turtle swimming towards you at Mach Fuck.

Narrow-Headed Softshell Turtles are aggressive, and will attack anything they consider a threat (including humans, fishing boats, and probably also rocks). their primary attack is to just bite the fuck out of whatever is annoying them , but their secondary move is the one to watch out for.

when terminally pissed off, the turtle extends the full length of its surprisingly long neck and delivers a literal cannon headbutt. this attack has been documented as being powerful enough to damage fishing boats. imagine what it would do to your face. (nothing good. if you see this turtle winding up, run.)

the true face of terror.

when left to its own devices, the Narrow-Headed Softshell Turtle spends its time buried at the bottom of the river, waiting for its next meal to happen by. (which it can do almost indefinitely because softshell turtles can breathe underwater, holy shit.) once another animal smaller than itself passes overhead the turtle strikes, mortally wounding the prey with its nightmare bite (no joke, the first strike usually kills instantly. this is a creature capable of taking a chunk out of your leg). it’s a pretty solid gig, if you’re a lonely grumpmonster.

beats pumping gas all day, I guess.

in fact, the Narrow-Headed Softshell Turtle spends so much of its life underwater that we… don’t really know all that much about it. apart from the biting thing, I mean. the turtle has been very clear on that.

we’re not even entirely sure how long they live, though captive turtles have made it more than 70 grouchy, grouchy years. locals in India claim that in the wild individual river bastards can stick around for up to 140 years, which I am inclined to believe because these people fish for a living and they have to remember where the boat-sinking nightmare turtles live.

it’s only common sense.

despite its wide range, the Narrow-Headed Softshell Turtle is now considered Endangered. (note: this is not allowed. what would we replace them with? large cantankerous frogs? big passive-aggressive catfish? I DON’T THINK SO.)

this is primarily due to human hunting, as the turtles are consumed in huge number throughout Asia. (humans will eat anything.)

the government of India has now moved to protect the turtle, restricting trade and moving to conserve the species. we dearly hope this will be enough to save the grumpy frumpy river grandpa.

please stay with us forever, Narrow-Headed Softshell Turtle. we love your tiny tiny face and terrible attitude.

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thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.

if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee to support Weird Biology.

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IMAGE SOURCES

img1- Wikimedia Commons img2- conservationindia.org  img3-zoosrcool.wordpress.com  img4- Joel Sartore  img5- Turtle Survival Alliance   img6- Turtle Survival Alliance img7- The TeCake img8- Joel Sartore

Honestly something that bothers me more than most things is having my compassion mistaken for naivety.

I know that another fish might eat this bullfrog right after I spend months rehabilitating it.

I know that turning a beetle back onto its legs won’t save it from falling over again when I walk away.

I know that there is no cosmic reward waiting for my soul based on how many worms I pick off a hot sidewalk to put into the mud, or how many times I’ve helped a a raccoon climb out of a too-deep trashcan. 

I know things suffer, and things struggle, and things die uselessly all day long. I’m young and idealistic, but I’m not literally a child. I would never judge another person for walking by an injured bird, for ignoring a worm, or for not really caring about the fate of a frog in a pond full of, y’know, plenty of other frogs.

There is nothing wrong with that.

But I cannot cannot cannot look at something struggling and ignore it if I may have the power to help.

There is so much bad stuff in this world so far beyond my control, that I take comfort in the smallest, most thankless tasks. It’s a relief to say “I can help you in this moment,” even though they don’t understand.

I don’t need a devil’s advocate to tell me another fish probably ate that frog when I let it go, or that the raccoon probably ended up trapped in another dumpster the next night.

I know!!!! I know!!!!!!! But today I had the power to help! So I did! And it made me happy!

So just leave me alone alright thank u!!!!

READ MY LIPS

TIME FOR WEIRD BIOLOGY.

and this week’s creature feature looks like something that could be found in the cosmetics section… of an interdimensional hellmarket catering specifically to Elder Gods. 

it’s a trendy shade of sultry scarlet and it lives on the edge of boiling geysers at the bottom of the ocean- give it up for the-

it looks like evil spaghetti.

the Giant Tube Worm was discovered in the icy hell-depths of the Pacific Ocean waaay back in 1977. I would pay actual money to hear what the very first researchers to gaze upon a writhing field of these things were thinking. (“hur hur it looks like evil spaghetti”, perhaps. I can only guess.)

but I mean, if I went to the bottom of the ocean and found an immense field of previously unknown 8-foot-long worms waving their mouthparts gently from inside bone-white protective tubes? my response would probably just be screaming.

can you blame me? really?

but what actually are these bizarre creatures? well, for once the name is absolutely correct. the Giant Tube Worm is a worm, and a distant cousin to the pink shoelace creatures that flop onto the sidewalk and die after a rainstorm. (but you wouldn’t be able to tell from looking.)

these extremely secret creatures live at depths of over 5,000 feet, where no light reaches and the pressure is enough to reduce an African Elephant into a sad grey pancake. this doesn’t bother the Giant Tube Worm! (the pressure, not the concept of flattening an innocent elephant. though worms have no morals and their advice CANNOT be trusted.)

INVEST YOUR LIFE SAVINGS INTO CRYPTOCURRENCY.

but aside from the pressure, the Giant Tube Worm tolerates conditions that we usually only think of existing on other PLANETS. like, the bottom of the ocean is ice cold, right? (if you didn’t know that before, you do now.) the bottom of the Pacific Ocean hovers maybe a few degrees above freezing. (cold enough to freeze an African Elephant! we’re picking on elephants today, I guess.)

at least, MOST of the ocean floor. see, the Pacific Ocean is littered with thousands of volcanic vents, ranging from actual goddam volcanoes (like All Of Hawaii) to 30-foot tall underwater geysers that spew superheated water and deadly toxins from the Earth’s mantle.

guess where the Giant Tube Worms live!

no no, YOU HAVE TO GUESS.

that’s right! out of all the hellish places on earth, this animal looked at one that was already nightmarish and said “hm. not awful enough.” and moved next door to a boiling poison factory. just for the hell of it.

these aptly named “black smokers” can reach temperatures of well over 800 F (HOT ENOUGH TO BOIL AN AFRICAN ELEPHANT) and release the extremely lethal compound Hydrogen Sulfide (TOXIC ENOUGH TO POISON AN- yeah okay, I’ll stop) into the water. it sounds deadly to us, but for a Giant Tube Worm, this is prime real estate! and it’s because they’re basically aliens.

take us to your leadderrrr.

not only can Giant Tube Worms withstand extreme temperatures from boiling to freezing, they actually EAT those toxic chemicals! sort of. it’s complicated. 

I’ll start simple: the Giant Tube Worm doesn’t have a full digestive system! where most creatures have a stomach and a lot of gross tubes, the Tube Worm has… symbiotic bacteria. and a LOT of them. these bacteria can make up half the Tube Worm’s goddam body weight! gross.

but these aren’t just any bacteria! these are the tube worm’s tiny life partners- they’re are able to use chemosynthesis, which is like photosynthesis but more complicated. basically, they use oxygen in the seawater to break down toxic compounds like hydrogen sulfide into food and energy! it’s a neat little system with no loose ends. loose ends are for filthy surface dwellers.

eels are okay, though.

but how is the tube worm even getting these compounds? well, it’s all in the lips. (stand by, things are about to get EVEN WEIRDER.) 

those “lips” are actually an appendage called a plume. it’s bright red because it’s full of hemoglobin. if you paid attention in health class and didn’t faint like SOME people (shut up, I’m just a little squeamish!) you know that this is the same thing that makes human blood red. (and also elephant blood.) 

the plume absorbs chemicals and oxygen from the water, and is so efficient that Giant Tube Worms are one of the fastest growing marine invertebrates! they’re extremely difficult to study for obvious reasons, but scientists think they may reach adulthood in just two years.

clearly, this eating-chemicals thing pays off.

kids, DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME.

because of their life choices, Giant Tube Worms enjoy an existance largely cut off from the rest of life on earth. (a darker, writhe-ier existence.) because of this, these incredible animals are little effected by human domination. (except when we go down there and shine bright lights in their faces, anyway.) however, Giant Tube Worms are part of the web of life like the rest of us. (NOBODY GETS A PASS. NO. BODY.)  

see, the oxygen they use for chemosynthesis isn’t from the black smokers, or even really from the ocean. that oxygen came from photosynthesis, making the Giant Tube Worm as dependent on plants and the sun as the rest of us. it just goes to show, we’re all connected even if we think we aren’t! thanks, Giant Tube Worm!

PLAY SOCCER IN A BUSY INTERSECTION AND EAT A HOTDOG YOU FOUND ON THE GROUND.

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thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.

if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee or check out my Patreon to see extra content and support Weird Biology.

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IMAGE SOURCES

img1- ResearchGate img2- BBC img3- Wikipedia img4- University of Melbourne img5- NOAA img6- NSF img7- Peter Batson img8- Deep Sea News

Humpback whales in the South Atlantic have recovered from near-extinction

A new count shows the population off Brazil went from about 450 in the 1950s to some 25,000 today.

In the 1950s, the South Atlantic population of humpback whales hovered around 450 individuals and was on its way to extinction. Now, there are around 25,000 humpback whales swimming the waters of the South Atlantic. That’s an increase of over 90%!

This study is just another piece of evidence that our conservation efforts are working. Providing legal protection for wild animals and investing in their continued existence does actually make a difference; we aren’t just throwing money away after a lost cause.

GO WHALES!

When you’re sorting the tank filters and a big boye wants cuddles. 

(Source)

NAUTICAL NONSENSE

WHOOOOOOOO

LIVES IN A SPIRAL SHELL UNDER THE SEA?

BACKWARDS AND STRIPEY AND BUOYANT IS HE!

okay, I’d better stop before Nick L. O’deon tells me to cut it out. so here we go! 

the Chambered Nautilus is an ancient deep-sea-dwelling mollusk, distant kin to both octopuses and those clams you had for lunch. they’re one of the oldest kinds of cephalopod on the planet, going all the way back to the Triassic. which, you know, 251 million years ago. (plus or minus a few million years.) they survived the extinction event that ended the reign of the dinosaurs, which also terminated their close cousin the Ammonites. these little shell dudes are true survivors.

since then, the Chambered Nautilus has bobbed its way into our collective consciousness. it inspired the very first fictional submarine, as well as an even more badass and actually-real-this-time submarine. its gorgeous shell can be found in nautical-themed restaurants worldwide. the Chambered Nautilus is a pretty big deal.

for a shellfish, anyway.

Chambered Nautilus grow to be about ten inches across the shell, which may not sound impressive but is actually an incredible feat of engineering. you’ve probably seen it before, but the Chambered Nautilus has a really trippy segmented spiral thing going on in their shell that a: makes for a great album cover, and b: creates a neutrally buoyant home that can stand the pressure of the deep sea! which is lucky, because that’s where the Chambered Nautilus lives.

these shelled little weirdos are found in the waters of the Indo-Pacific, where they live on the deep edges of coral reefs and sea canyon walls. but not below 2,600 feet, as their shells dramatically implode at that point! ha ha!

see, the nice thing about human houses? they don’t usually implode.

the Chambered Nautilus is sort of like a snail, except more complex and more backwards. (yes, I’m serious.) the soft gooey body of the Chambered Nautilus only fits in the first compartment of their shell, including their hearts, eyeballs, probable souls, various gross buoyancy organs and their roughly 90 tentacles and jet propulsion system.

yes, those last two things are totally real, I swear. let’s get into it!

I hope you like tentacles!

I’ll address the jet thing first. the Chambered Nautilus is similar to squid, in that they experience the world mostly backwards. they have a water intake valve called a hyponome which is basically a fancy tube that they keep somewhere in their tentacle zone. they use this weird pipe to draw water into an inner chamber inside their shell, and then violently squirt it right back out. this causes the Chambered Nautilus to lurch backwards at high speed like a startled raccoon.

but I didn’t even get to the best part! see, the Chambered Nautilus has very simple eyes and terrible vision. and they can’t even really see around that honkydonk badonkadonk shell anyway, so they lurch violently backwards and then bump comically into things. ALL THE TIME.

like, often enough for it to be a documented species trait. ADORABLE.

but you’ve been waiting patiently, and it’s time to get into the best part: those tentacles! and boy I sure hope you’re a fan, because the Chambered Nautilus has around 90 simple retractable tentacles called cirri. (make sure you write these down, as there will be a short quiz following this program.)

these cirri are covered in tiny ridges, like gross wet velcro spaghetti. this gives them a really absurd amount of grip, like REALLY absurd. apparently it’s easier to accidentally rip them right off the Nautilus than it is to get them off a scientist’s glove. 

I’m sure that researcher felt REALLY bad afterwards.

this insane grip comes in handy (pun!) though, when the Chambered Nautilus is on the hunt. these voracious shellboys mostly eat fish, crabs and shrimp, but they aren’t above scavenging and will eat whatever is available. 

once the Chambered Nautilus has spotted a likely meal, it splats itself onto it face-first like a goddam Looney Tunes character and grabs on. once they prey is snagged, it’s curtains for that particular shrimp. because like all cephalopods, the Chambered Nautilus has a razor-sharp nightmare beak hidden somewhere in all those tentacles. yum!

I mean, I’m not going to poke around in there and look so you’ll just have to trust me on this.

but the Chambered Nautilus isn’t doing so hot these days, and it’s all because of that lovely steampunk shell. its pearly luster and geometric intricacy make them prized by humans, who slaughter the Chambered Nautilus by the thousands to get them. fuck!

this shell-focused hunting has greatly decreased the Chambered Nautilus’s numbers in the past decade, and they’re almost certainly endangered now. efforts are underway to protect them, but in the meantime: DON’T BUY ANY NAUTILUS SHELLS. just get an Ammonite fossil, it’s basically the same thing but without the moral baggage or angry cephalopod ghosts.

the Chambered Nautilus survived the extinction that killed off the Ammonites and Dinosaurs, hopefully it will survive this one too.

ANGRY. CEPHALOPOD. GHOSTS.

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thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series on my tumblr here, or check out the official archive at weirdbiology.com!

if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee and support Weird Biology!

and if you’d like to see exclusive Weird Biology content, check out my Patreon today!

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IMAGE SOURCES

img1- Monterey Bay Aquarium img2- Monterey Bay Aquarium img3- National Aquarium img4- Monterey Bay Aquarium img5- NOAA Fisheries img6- Monterey Bay Aquarium img7- Among the Reef img8- California Academy of Sciences

every so often I remember that whales molt

I’m not sure why I feel this way, but imo this is the most cursed marine mammal fact I have ever heard