Clueless But Optimistic!

you know how some animals can come in 2 very different versions? like australian vs america possums, sea vs river otters

My point is, that but w/ domestic vs wild furbies

SIEGE OF THE SEA DEVILS

hey everyone, happy friday and welcome back to another excellent episode of Weird Biology!

this week, we’re examining a charismatic and almost perfect oceanic killing machine! you might be picturing a shark, but you’re wrong. 

it’s the flamboyant, fantastic, and fucking ecological nightmare, the 

NAAAAAANTS INGONYAAAAMAA

Lionfish are a group of 12 species in the genus Pterois (tare-oh-eese), meaning “winged”. these fish are among the most striking and beautiful in the ocean! they’re also full of poison knives, but more on that later.

also called Dragonfish, Firefish, Turkeyfish, Tastyfish or PEZ DIABLO (Devilfish, or “underwater satan” if you use Google Translate), Lionfish are native to the Southern Pacific and Indian oceans. they are mostly found on coral reefs, where they can grow up to 17 inches long and reach about 3 pounds. 

3 pounds of pure whoopass.

small but mighty! SMALL BUT MIGHTY!

see, when it comes to sheer badass ability to survive anywhere, Lionfish are damn near perfect. most reef fish are specialized creatures with a fairly low set of tolerances. not Lionfish! for starters, they’re common in every level of the water column up to 1000 feet down. that’s impressive for a regular fish, let alone a reef specialist. they can also tolerate temperatures as low as 60 F, which again, fucking ridiculous. this fish could probably survive on the moon.

on top of that, their reproductive rate is insane. unlike many reef fish who follow a yearly cycle, Lionfish reproduce monthly. and every month a female Lionfish may lay- wait for it- 15,000 eggs. add in the fact that they have maybe three natural predators and it’s a wonder we aren’t knee deep in them right now.

good news! the Lionfish will submerge us before the oceans do!

Lionfish may look like delicate lacy parasols, but that bold coloration is actually Nature’s equivalent of wearing a bright orange hazard vest! but if we’re doing a direct comparison, in the Lionfish’s case it’s more like the equivalent of wearing a bright orange hazard vest while standing on the roof of a burned-out van, waving a submachine gun at traffic.

see, those lacy fins are are concealing dozens and dozens of long, razor-sharp spines venomous enough to incapacitate a human. any predator unwary enough to get a mouthful of the Lionfish’s poison shiv collection will experience immediate debilitating pain, paralysis, and almost certain death. (this venom isn’t strong enough to kill a healthy adult, but it really fucking sucks and can floor you for at least a day. do not touch.)

it’s time to play our favorite biology game, How Many Poison Knives Is This Animal Packing? if you guess wrong, you die.

Lionfish are voracious eating machines, in addition to being basically a floating wedding dress full of poison ice picks. they feed on fish, invertebrates, mollusks, and smaller Lionfish. these flamboyant cannibals feed by disorienting their prey with a jet of water, and then swallowing it headfirst like a Hardees breakfast sandwich.

and they’ll cram as many fish/shrimp/members of their own species into that ravenous maw as possible- a Lionfish’s stomach can expand to 30 times its original size on a binge! and in lean times, the Lionfish can slow its metabolism to a literal crawl. they can survive a three-month fast and lose only 10% of their body weight. jesus. 

can anything stop these frilly nightmares?

SPOILER ALERT: no.

the question is unfortunately relevant. in 1992, Hurricane Andrew struck South Florida and demolished a public aquarium. Florida had bigger things to worry about, so nobody noticed that six Lionfish had been tragically swept out to sea. in the complete absence of natural predators, those six Free-Willied Lionfish (plus many others released from the pet trade) have become MILLIONS. 

Lionfish have launched a hostile invasion of Carribean waters, and are now found from the Gulf Coast to North Carolina. this is a big fucking problem.

and that’s no joke.

apart from how dangerous they are, the Lionfish’s natural fish superiority allows it to easily outcompete meek and innocent native fish. this is putting stress on invaded reef ecosystems, and the problem is only getting worse as Lionfish continue to spread further north. Lionfish are even learning to tolerate mildly brackish water and have been found in estuaries four miles from the fucking ocean.

at this rate, we’re all going to wake up and find a Lionfish in our beds.

it’s their bed now. accept your inferiority before Earth’s true dominant species.

the fate of these oceans rests on the questionable shoulders of the Lionfish’s only (un)natural predator:

you.

the only current way to slow their spread is to just eat the absolute hell out of them. that’s right, Lionfish are edible. and not just that, they’re completely fucking delicious and heart-healthy! they’re called Tastyfish for a reason. and for all their prowess, Lionfish have yet to evolve a defense for projectile weapons. (that’s what happens when you put all your skill points into Melee, Lionfish.)

and remember: eating a Lionfish is taking part in the front lines of a battle for the future of your oceans. also, they’re just delicious.

so do your part, and eat up! 

WORLD IS A FUCK, 410,757,864,530 DEAD LIONFISH

–

thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.

if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee to support Weird Biology.

–

IMAGE SOURCES

img1- Pensecola News Journal img2- Oceanea.org img3- Wikipedia img4- Don Johnson img5- Hakai Magazine img6- Florida Keys Treasures img7- CNN img8- dmagazine.com

Why is this so funny to me

thread of petitions to sign for the black lives that still have not gotten justice

Breonna Taylor: https://t.co/azwAXJUFFt?amp=1

David McAtee: https://t.co/xFUsLhsbgk?amp=1

Ahmaud Arbery: https://t.co/9U05X0DHs5?amp=1

Sandra Bland: https://t.co/S7onaqtcWr?amp=1

Willie Simmons: https://t.co/ShpIYiOJti?amp=1

Alejandro Martinez: https://t.co/yps9xEUXQh?amp=1

Tete Gulley: https://t.co/CtnO2jLCYF?amp=1

Marshae Jones: https://t.co/zPalKA7xvv?amp=1

Chrystul Kizer: https://t.co/9KyXeZm4NM?amp=1

Julius Jones: https://t.co/xChUK35swN?amp=1

Belly Mujinga: https://t.co/4ubBzOzEG7?amp=1

Young Uwa: https://t.co/zTuWpWdS0E?amp=1

Kendrick Johnson: https://t.co/4tf1B9cKb8?amp=1

Emerald Black: https://t.co/A5G6OFTUSv?amp=1

THE LAST DRAGON

if you want to learn about dragons, you’re usually restricted to the Fantasy section of your local library. because dragons are made up, and don’t exist except in the minds of small children and George R. R. Martin. 

apart from the ones that live in Indonesia, of course. they may not breathe fire or threaten hobbits, but these dragons are very real and perfectly willing to rip your face off and ask for seconds.

watch out, because it’s the

I AM FIRE, I AM DEATH

Komodo Dragons are actually a kind of lizard, but one on the scale of life on earth back when the dinosaurs were in charge. they’re fucking huge. these behemoths can reach lengths of ten feet and weights of over 300 pounds. big enough to ride, if there were a human out there brave enough to try it. (DON’T DO THIS, YOU WILL DIE. THIS IS EVEN WORSE THAN THE OSTRICH THING, I’M NOT KIDDING.)

naturally these enormous reptiles scared the everloving shit out of the first Dutch explorers to reach the area, forever earning themselves the name “Dragon”. for once, those old European maps with little doodles of monsters everywhere were pretty accurate!

don’t go looking for Krakens, though. those are still mostly fake.

Komodo Dragons are the largest lizard on earth, and the largest of the monitor family Varanidae. but this wasn’t always the case! they’re actually the last and least of an ancient line of giant reptiles that once inhabited the south pacific. the largest of these was Australia’s Megalania, an 18-foot titan that died out at the end of the last Ice Age with the rest of its kind. but not the Komodo Dragon! they’re doing just fine, thanks.

like Megalania, the Komodo Dragon seems to have evolved in Australia. (OF COURSE. THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.) and when the seas rose at the end of the Ice Age, it stranded a population of dragons on five remote islands in Indonesia, where they survived whatever the fuck killed off their continental relatives. (probably us, to be honest.) you thought it was just a tagline but it’s not: these guys are truly the Last Dragons.

go ahead and shed a tear, but don’t expect them to appreciate it.

their isolation and last-dragonism is very sad, yes. but don’t feel too bad about it, because Komodo Dragons are one of nature’s most dangerous predators. there’s a reason locals call them Ora, the Land Crocodile. (actually there’s multiple reasons, and they’re all terrible. stand by!)

their lazy lizard stylings and charming smirk conceal a mouthful of inch-long serrated teeth, razor-sharp claws and a nightmare bullwhip of a tail. Komodo Dragons use all of these weapons, and more! (this is the Super Cool part of the article kids, make sure to read it EXTRA CAREFULLY so you can impress your friends later during recess.)

and yes, they swim! hurray! there is no escape.

the Komodo Dragon is an apex predator, which is unusual for a lizard. they’re filling an ecological niche that would normally be taken by a large mammal predator like, I dunno, a tiger or a lion or a bear. (OH MY!) this means they have some pretty big shoes to fill (metaphorical, bears don’t wear shoes.) but they do it in spades!

Komodo Dragons will eat anything, and that’s barely an exaggeration. They eat plenty of carrion, and lots of small creatures like squirrels and really unlucky snakes. they also eat medium animals like goats, WHICH THEY SWALLOW WHOLE. (if the prey is too big to fit down their throats, the Komodo Dragon often rams its open mouth into a tree until it fits. sometimes they actually knock down the fucking tree. I wish I was making this up.) Komodo Dragons also eat animals you normally wouldn’t be able to take down without a rocket launcher, like water buffalo and uh, other Komodo Dragons. they’re cannibals, because the food chain just moves backwards sometimes.

and yes, they absolutely eat humans. good thing they’re trapped on five remote islands in Indonesia!

WAIT, THEY SWIM. FUCK, HOW COULD I FORGET.

so how does an overgrown gecko hunt animals that normally require an entire pack of lions to take down? well, there’s some Science Controversy™ about that. Komodo Dragons have a pair of MYSTERIOUS GLANDS (which would be a good name for a garage band) in their lower jaw, which scientists used to think were full of venom. they thought that the Komodo Dragon was basically using this venom to cheat its way into a niche that should rightfully belong to a more advanced mammal, but THESE SCIENTISTS WERE WRONG AND DUMB. 

it turns out these MYSTERIOUS GLANDS (I want this on a t-shirt) actually don’t do a whole lot as far as hunting goes! they secrete what MAY be a mild anticoagulant, but it’s not really strong enough to have much effect. yup, turns out that the Komodo Dragon just mauls the shit out of things until they die, like any decent ‘advanced mammal’ predator. they EARNED that apex niche as honestly as any predator can. (not that predators really have a concept of “honest”, or that it matters, since they’re the ones with the inch-long teeth.)

LIZARDS RULE AND MAMMALS DROOL! 

but maybe it’s not such a surprise that these real-life dragons are still on top of the food chain, because they’re some of the smartest reptiles on earth. and okay, maybe “the smartest reptile in the world” doesn’t sound like an impressive title. but Komodo Dragons and their cousins have elaborate social structures, can count to six, recognize individual humans, and play nice games of tug-the-carcass with their friends. (both humans and other dragons can be friends! friends are not for eating.) that’s a better track record than most human toddlers!

and they’re totally trainable, but don’t get your hopes up about owning one or several. (DANG.) Komodo Dragons are a protected species, so having a loyal army of them trained to lay waste to your enemies and fetch the morning paper is still very much a pipe dream. (this is a joke, they make terrible pets.)

FOR NOW.

and speaking of being a protected species, how is the Komodo Dragon doing these days? well, shortly after scaring the absolute pants off the first Dutch explorers to meet one, Europeans became obsessed with them and they were granted immediate protections by the Dutch colonial government. (please note that the Komodo Dragon was also doing just fine before the Dutch came along, thanks.) in fact, the first expedition sent to capture Komodo Dragons for scientific study was the basis for the movie King Kong! (a niche film you may possibly have heard of.)

these protections kept the Komodo Dragon from becoming just another hunting trophy for rich Europeans. (unfortunately this cannot be said of lions, tigers and bears, all of whom decorated the drawing rooms of rich Victorians.) they’re still doing pretty well today, though they are threatened by rising seawater and their limited range.

we hope these gigantic lizard genius cannibals stick around for a long time to come! and remember, if you want to avoid getting munched: BEFRIEND. (very carefully.)

HUMANS ARE FRIENDS, NOT FOOD. 

–

thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series on my tumblr here, or check out the official archive at weirdbiology.com!

if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee and support Weird Biology!

and if you’d like to see exclusive Weird Biology content, check out my Patreon today!

–

IMAGE SOURCES

img1- elpais.com img2- Time Travel Turtle img3- Smithsonian National Zoo img4- Komodo Tours img5- Michael Pollack img6- Animal Sake img7- ZooChat img8- Calgary Herald

my toxic trait is my calcium based barbs which break off in your skin and are frequently venomous

Me as a demon

NAUTICAL NONSENSE

WHOOOOOOOO

LIVES IN A SPIRAL SHELL UNDER THE SEA?

BACKWARDS AND STRIPEY AND BUOYANT IS HE!

okay, I’d better stop before Nick L. O’deon tells me to cut it out. so here we go! 

the Chambered Nautilus is an ancient deep-sea-dwelling mollusk, distant kin to both octopuses and those clams you had for lunch. they’re one of the oldest kinds of cephalopod on the planet, going all the way back to the Triassic. which, you know, 251 million years ago. (plus or minus a few million years.) they survived the extinction event that ended the reign of the dinosaurs, which also terminated their close cousin the Ammonites. these little shell dudes are true survivors.

since then, the Chambered Nautilus has bobbed its way into our collective consciousness. it inspired the very first fictional submarine, as well as an even more badass and actually-real-this-time submarine. its gorgeous shell can be found in nautical-themed restaurants worldwide. the Chambered Nautilus is a pretty big deal.

for a shellfish, anyway.

Chambered Nautilus grow to be about ten inches across the shell, which may not sound impressive but is actually an incredible feat of engineering. you’ve probably seen it before, but the Chambered Nautilus has a really trippy segmented spiral thing going on in their shell that a: makes for a great album cover, and b: creates a neutrally buoyant home that can stand the pressure of the deep sea! which is lucky, because that’s where the Chambered Nautilus lives.

these shelled little weirdos are found in the waters of the Indo-Pacific, where they live on the deep edges of coral reefs and sea canyon walls. but not below 2,600 feet, as their shells dramatically implode at that point! ha ha!

see, the nice thing about human houses? they don’t usually implode.

the Chambered Nautilus is sort of like a snail, except more complex and more backwards. (yes, I’m serious.) the soft gooey body of the Chambered Nautilus only fits in the first compartment of their shell, including their hearts, eyeballs, probable souls, various gross buoyancy organs and their roughly 90 tentacles and jet propulsion system.

yes, those last two things are totally real, I swear. let’s get into it!

I hope you like tentacles!

I’ll address the jet thing first. the Chambered Nautilus is similar to squid, in that they experience the world mostly backwards. they have a water intake valve called a hyponome which is basically a fancy tube that they keep somewhere in their tentacle zone. they use this weird pipe to draw water into an inner chamber inside their shell, and then violently squirt it right back out. this causes the Chambered Nautilus to lurch backwards at high speed like a startled raccoon.

but I didn’t even get to the best part! see, the Chambered Nautilus has very simple eyes and terrible vision. and they can’t even really see around that honkydonk badonkadonk shell anyway, so they lurch violently backwards and then bump comically into things. ALL THE TIME.

like, often enough for it to be a documented species trait. ADORABLE.

but you’ve been waiting patiently, and it’s time to get into the best part: those tentacles! and boy I sure hope you’re a fan, because the Chambered Nautilus has around 90 simple retractable tentacles called cirri. (make sure you write these down, as there will be a short quiz following this program.)

these cirri are covered in tiny ridges, like gross wet velcro spaghetti. this gives them a really absurd amount of grip, like REALLY absurd. apparently it’s easier to accidentally rip them right off the Nautilus than it is to get them off a scientist’s glove. 

I’m sure that researcher felt REALLY bad afterwards.

this insane grip comes in handy (pun!) though, when the Chambered Nautilus is on the hunt. these voracious shellboys mostly eat fish, crabs and shrimp, but they aren’t above scavenging and will eat whatever is available. 

once the Chambered Nautilus has spotted a likely meal, it splats itself onto it face-first like a goddam Looney Tunes character and grabs on. once they prey is snagged, it’s curtains for that particular shrimp. because like all cephalopods, the Chambered Nautilus has a razor-sharp nightmare beak hidden somewhere in all those tentacles. yum!

I mean, I’m not going to poke around in there and look so you’ll just have to trust me on this.

but the Chambered Nautilus isn’t doing so hot these days, and it’s all because of that lovely steampunk shell. its pearly luster and geometric intricacy make them prized by humans, who slaughter the Chambered Nautilus by the thousands to get them. fuck!

this shell-focused hunting has greatly decreased the Chambered Nautilus’s numbers in the past decade, and they’re almost certainly endangered now. efforts are underway to protect them, but in the meantime: DON’T BUY ANY NAUTILUS SHELLS. just get an Ammonite fossil, it’s basically the same thing but without the moral baggage or angry cephalopod ghosts.

the Chambered Nautilus survived the extinction that killed off the Ammonites and Dinosaurs, hopefully it will survive this one too.

ANGRY. CEPHALOPOD. GHOSTS.

–

thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series on my tumblr here, or check out the official archive at weirdbiology.com!

if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee and support Weird Biology!

and if you’d like to see exclusive Weird Biology content, check out my Patreon today!

–

IMAGE SOURCES

img1- Monterey Bay Aquarium img2- Monterey Bay Aquarium img3- National Aquarium img4- Monterey Bay Aquarium img5- NOAA Fisheries img6- Monterey Bay Aquarium img7- Among the Reef img8- California Academy of Sciences