If I Was Ever Slated To Meet Donald Trump, I’d Stuff My Pockets With Those Little Hand Sanitizer Bottles.

Don’t ever talk to me or my sons ever again…

We should all plant flowers 💖

running out of room in an essay: the U.S.

needing to fill up more space in an essay: the United States of America, the freedom powerhouse of the world, above Mexico, below Canada, lemme pledge allegiance to that fine ass flag, God bless America, amen

THE POWER FLICKERED THREE TIMES

IF WE LOSE POWER I’M QUITTING

JUST GIVE ME 20 FUCKIN MINUTES FOR MY CHICKEN NUGGETS TO COOK PLEASE

please

Here is a piece I wrote on medium about Cara, that one trainwreck interview, sexist questions, press junketry, and miracles.

My parents got their nipples pierced together (like they didn’t attach themselves to each other via nipples they both got their nipples done) as a couple thing idk and dad would attach those phone charms that light up with you get a text to them at parties. Well once he forgot to take them off and went to work and had to arrest someone for drunk driving and the charms went off so they both had to act like the big scary police officers nipples weren’t flashing

Paper Cup art by @shin___geki

this is my kind of prank

The Craziest of Crazies aka that one time Jean-Ralphio Saperstein traveled back in time to the 80s & met his mom, Back to the Future style