I Was Absolutely Crushed Last Night Because I Never Really Actually Thought People Would Take It Personally.

I was absolutely crushed last night because I never really actually thought people would take it personally. That’s my fault. I thought, you know, I’m getting so much hate, surely they have to see it’s not personal. It’s not personal. Surely they can understand I’m angry and panicking. I don’t know. I probably wasn’t thinking clearly. 

The point is, it was wrong. I was wrong. I feel awful that so many people, especially young people, felt like they were bad people for being fans. And that I did that. Even if it’s not my fault in an academic sense, it’s still my fucking fault. I said it. I’m older, people look up to me. I know I have a responsibility. I didn’t think past my own pain enough to realize it. I was angry because I was being attacked for everything, and I was just labeling all of it as hate against me without having the strength to see any gray areas.

But goddamn. I am not a liar. I am not a cold, evil cult figure manipulating people for sympathy. I do not deserve the abuse I get. 

There is no nice way to be abused. There is no pretty way to endure it. You are hurting because someone else wants you to be hurting.

What a horrible fucking lesson to teach women—that you have to be nice so your pain is believed. That you have to be appealing. That you have to be positive.

Fuck that this is ugly. I’m ugly. 

I’m trying to be good in a situation I didn’t ask to be in. I’m a goddamn wreck.

I want to apologize to people I’ve hurt by generalizing. You deserve to enjoy things. But I deserve to be listened to. Not erased.