Like-luke-likes - Like-Luke-Likes

cop: we’re looking for a suspect in a convenience store robbery

other cop: have you seen this person? [hands me a surveillance photo]

me: I’m the robber

cop: I’m the cash register

other cop: I’m the vape cartridge display on the counter

me: haha… [shoves stolen money deeper into my pocket]

me as a prosecutor: final question- what is the defendant’s zodiac sign?

the defendant: i’m a scorpio

me, giving a smug smile in victory to the defending lawyer who quietly curses and bangs his fist on the table in anger: no further questions your honor 

tumblr is killing anybody who psts audio files. im not joking it happened to me. they sent assassins but i was too adept at melee combat

“… Groups of 5”

ohshit

the crew goes out into the forest just to film random b-roll shit and the director accidentally finds the like..rarest worm on earth so they run back to their house like COYOTE LOOK and then there is a very heartfelt and sincere response to weird worm including an entire mounted piece of wall art apparently

amazon employee: so how about that new season of stranger thi-

jeff bezos over a walkie-talkie: take the shot