You Had ONE Job!

Me: my god.. i did it.. i killed him..!

Angel on my shoulder: we're extremely fortunate. You shot him in the side of the head and you're wearing gloves. Place the gun in his hand and set the house ablaze. Officer Goger's tragic suicide will be the perfect cover story

Devil on my shoulder: Goger was always eating stuffing and spelt wheat and steel cut oats. Bet he'd taste reeeeal good on a spit with an apple in his mouth. Come on, i've seen the way you've looked at him..

My tulpa, a 6'9" DD smokeshow hottie PS1 graphics anthro leopard girl in a lab coat: you must put a baby in me Your Highness, quickly!

M’aplesyrup

when someone says I’m being over dramatic

When your friends start getting good at a game you usually let them win at

person: OMG YOU DIDN'T STUDY FOR THE TEST???!?!?!

me: nope

person: BUT HOW ARE YOU GONNA PASS???

me: i'm not

Hybrid wolfdog is very protective of the new kitten.

Man you know those glass containers that look like animals? What if there was an actual animal species like that and the different stuff inside of them represented their personality, ( or organs probably organs).

oohoh oh this made me of terrariums, actually

Small town culture is knowing that there are Old Folks with strange nicknames but never knowing the stories behind them.

Of course, I made the mistake of asking why everyone calls this one guy Brickaday and it turns out that he worked at a brickyard for 40 years, stealing exactly one brick every day and making no particular efforts to conceal the theft. Nobody thought anything of it until years later he was discovered to have built three houses.

His boss is said to have shrugged and made some remarks about the importance of coming up with a plan and sticking to it.

I‘m trying to arrange my face into an appropriate approximation of silent bafflement and failing miserably.