Can You Die From Lack Of Affection? Asking For Myself

renfarber​:

Oh, this was dangerous. He shouldn’t be looking at her like this. And she shouldn’t be looking at him like this. They were grown ass adults now, and they should know better, and they had responsibilities, and they’d broken up for a reason, because she’d done something horrible, and then he’d said some horrible things, and enough time had passed now that there shouldn’t be any feelings left of any kind, but… there were. She could tell from his eyes that there were. And anyway, Ren had always rather liked danger.

He smiled at the mention of her mother, and he joked about her ridiculous old friends, and she laughed at his dumb jokes and his smug smile and his popcorn-throwing, and what had felt dangerous a moment ago, now felt familiar and safe. Safe enough that she felt comfortable reaching up to fix some stray curls that had fallen over Leo’s eyes.

“Do you remember the night we met?” she smirked. She wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t, honestly. They were at work, and it was a particularly slow night, and nothing of interest really happened except for Ren meeting the only man she’d ever fall in love with. They’d spent the whole shift talking and laughing (and getting yelled at for talking and laughing), and sneaking booze from behind the bar. “I told you I felt like I’d known you in another life. And that nothing you could say would ever surprise me because of it. …I was a fucking weirdo back then,” she laughed, “but I still kind of believe that.”

-

The way she looked at him was almost becoming unbearable. Did she realize that she was looking at him the way she use to? Was he giving her the same adoring look that he had reserved for her all those years ago? Would the desire to stop wanting to reach towards her subside? How could he even approach her in such a way when she knew she was married and very clearly had honored that sanction far more than he did? No matter the answers, he had to behave, he had to. 

 Leo didn’t flinch or back away when Ren’s hand came to his obstructed view. He actually kind of welcomed not seeing her so clearly. It offered a bit of a shield, but she had brushed his shaggy curls away, giving him a sharp view of her stunning features once again. He’d never get over just how ethereal she appeared. And just like that, the urge to just move closer, grab her face and just kiss her took hold of him again. But thankfully she had given him another distraction.

He looked at the cute smirk upon her face as he took her question. The night they met. Arguably one of the best nights of his twenties. He would never tell her, but he even knew what phase the moon was in the sky that night; a crescent moon. He also regrettably even knew what the special was that night; a honey roasted duck. Which now he realized was probably the reason for the slow night. He kept his gaze on her as he recalled the rest of the details, the more important ones. Like how when their eyes first met, he became a stoic fool, melting into a stranger’s eyes. But then how quickly he had warmed up to her because of her charming demeanor, one that he matched up with his own. He definitely chose humour to captivate her, and he was smitten with her honesty no matter how eccentric it was. As he listened to her recalling their conversation about other lifetimes, his face had softened and there was smile shining from his eyes as well as his lips. “I think I remember it a lot better.” He gloated, of course, needing a spotlight on him being right once again. He leaned in closely, his elbow completely taking her arm rest as he did so. “Because you said, you felt like you’ve known me in a thousand other lifetimes.” The glint in his eyes still shown as he reminded her of that detail, the lighting of the movie’s glow helped ignite it brighter. “I asked if I were rich and successful in any of them and you said yes. And then like a lameass trying to shoot my shot, I asked if I got to see you naked in any of them.” His voice lowered an octave as if to keep that part intimately between them than it already was. Leo’s gaze, however, dropped down to the exposed skin at her collarbone before he forced it back up. His clutch on the popcorn bucket was unfortunately becoming obvious with the crinkling of the cardboard. 

norahphobia​:

“Good, i’ve been looking for a fight.” Norah quips back quickly, out of breath. She knew that wasn’t quite what he meant, but she didn’t want to dwell on worrying him. Easier to crack a joke in return. She shuffles off her black winter coat, brushing off snow from her clothing. She’d been through hell to get there, and briefly considered moving out of Brooklyn once and for all. She had to cross the bridge almost every day lately. “I tried to take the subway,” she begins, settling down into the booth across from him. “And my connecting train just - didn’t fucking come.” The subway system was notoriously fickle, delays and cancellations were basically guaranteed, especially in this weather. “So I had to get a taxi, and the cabbie couldn’t drive for shit in traffic.” 

Pausing to take a sip of water from one of the glasses on the table, she sets it back down with a slow teasing smile. “Or maybe I just thought about standing you up. You may never know.” Truly, she felt bad keeping him waiting. But she wasn’t the type to apologize for worrying someone, it happened so often she hardly registered it anymore. “I love this place.” Norah commented, her voice suddenly softer, amber eyes finally taking a moment to really look at him.

-

Leo’s rigrid posture relaxed instantouesly at her quip. Noted by his crossed arms leaning on the table now. He even laughed. This was something impossible for him not to do around Norah. She intriguied him from the very first moment she opened her mouth. She was one of those people that made him feel cool by proxy. He listened to her tale of traveling between the bouroughs. A classic tale to his native New Yorker ears. And a complete valid reason to be late. It was the teacher in him that deemed punctuality important. But he was happy to see her either way. 

“Oh, really?” He responded to her teasing by blinking multiple times to feign a sense of shock. He head dipped back, eyeing the ceiling of the train car when she expressed her admiration for it. “Yeah, same, I use to work in one.” He said, turning his head back to look her again as he spoke. “Not this one though. This one was closed when I was doing that. No, this one, this one’s quite famous.” His arms uncrossed and a hand tapped the table as he spoke, his voice getting quieter as if the details were a secret. “You see, this one was in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York.” He nodded, sharing the stupid movie fact as if were impressive. He laughed though knowing the whole thing was ridiculous. And he should probably move on to something more important. “Okay now that I’ve already said one movie fact, how about we look at the menu?” 

PENN BADGLEY Desus & Mero | 2.03 Hard To Get a Ticket (2019)

I’m the worst kind of monster: the kind that comes with a pretty face, a cold heart, and a reason to be that way.

(via vindictadulcis)

xbhandri​:

@le0davis​

“Okay but listen. Hear me out. The stage lights pop on. We’re standing in a line. The piano starts playing. Everyone immediately gets emotional. Suddenly everyone knows how many minutes are in a year. Is it stable? No. It’s New York City in the 1980′s during the AIDs epidemic. We’re here. We’re queer. We’re dying and Regan isn’t doing shit about it. You know what will fix approximately none of our problems? Love.” Xavier had found out they were reviving RENT again and he would throw Wicked down the drain if he could land a roll. He was nearing the end of his contract anyway. He could just switch from one to another, right? He had only been on the stage for a handful of years, and while Fiyero have him everything he could ever want, the roll while main wasn’t big. He wanted more. He wanted more meaning. 

A scarecrow was all find and dandy, but it wasn’t the love of his life, the dream role. Angel Dumott Schunard. He still didn’t know if she was a trans woman, a drag queen, or genderfluid, but to dress up as Mrs Claus and prance around a stage, only to die in the most emotional Broadway death known to man? He could still remember the first time he saw the musical and how it had changed his whole damn life. 

“Leo, it’s not stable, but nothing in life is. Do you want your baby thinking her dad is lame? Those who can’t act teach. Audition with me.”

-

Leo’s mouth opened in the middle of Xavier’s spiel. He so clearly saw the cast in a line singing ... Seasons of Love straight out into the audtence. The two friends had confinded in each other that their dream roles were in RENT. A show that was in the pre-production of returing back to broadway. He understood that to Xav that it was an oppurtunity that must be taken. But Leo wasn’t as starry eyed. 

“Don’t bring Mira into this.” He said, becoming slightly defensive at the mention of his daughter. Though that was chord that needed to be struck. Leo actually heard what Xavier meant. Being an acting coach was always supposed to be temporary. Something to do until he had gotten a break. But it took over, he began auditioning less to not at all. He fell into his own hell of repeating the same day over and over. So much so that he became a regular at a bar, and developed a dependency on alcohol and sex just to get through a Monday. This wasn’t how life was supposed to be. This isn’t the spotlight he was meant for. He sat there unaware of the spark that was growing in his chest.

His eyes still looking at his best friend incredulously. “I - Xav - you can’t really truly think that I’d ever be good enough to get Roger.” He was scared.  It was a huge leap into auditioning. Maybe he could start off small in non-speaking roles. He didn’t want to take that risk of auditioning for a role he had always coveted. He wasn’t as brave as Xavier. “You are no doubt in my mind are going to get Angel. Just gotta practice the drums. I, on the other hand, am gonna get laughed out at the door with no credits to my name.”

It's 5AM, I'm nihilist, I know there's nothing after this.

—Not everyone can say they’ve been to the Big Apple, but Leo Davis, a thirty-three year-old cis-male has lived in Chelsea, Manhattan for ten years. This is the city of dreams and he knows it, because they came to NYC to be an acting coach. Well, that and as The Regular. Living in the city means they meet all kinds of people, but everyone always seems to think they look like Penn Badgley. They even got away with free cab fare once because of it! 

HEY, HEY THERE THANK YOU CLICKING READ MORE. Before you continue there are heavy topics that will be spoken without much care as they should be approached. Leo’s very direct as is this intro. The following triggers are alcohol abuse, substance abuse, abandonment, cheating, narcism, depression, anxiety, death, suicide, religion, and open aggression. 

—

BASIC INFORMATION

name: Leonardo Anthony Davis

nicknames: Leo, the regular

pro-nouns: he / him

gender: cis-male

age: 33, thirty-three

d.o.b: July 31, 1988

p.o.b: Brooklyn, New York

current address: Chelsea, Manhattan, NY

astrological sign: Leo Sun, Aries Moon, Libra Ascendant

sexual orientation: heterosexual

relationship status: married, but he’s unfaithful

occupation: acting coach

education: grad of tisch school of arts

APPEARANCE

height: 6’0 ft

weight: 176 lbs

build: slim, muscular

hair colour: dark brown 

hair length: curly, shaggy, to the nape of his neck

eye colour: dark brown

wardrobe style: causal to classic well-tailored designer pieces

tattoos: none

piercings: none

jewelry: ( left hand ) white gold wedding band & watch, ( right hand ) white gold pinky ring

defining features: voice, bone structure, nose, full beard

HEALTH

physical ailments: none

mental ailments: undiagnosed anxiety, undiagnosed ptsd, undiagnosed bi-polar disorder, anger management issues, alcoholism

do they drink: oh, yes

do they smoke: cigarettes? occasionally

recreational drugs: mary jane? definitely

addictions: alcohol and sex

PERSONALITY

positive traits: creative, attentive, charming, energetic, passionate

negative traits: blunt, impulsive, volatile, self-centered

likes: coffee, cake, cocktails, music, old films, theatre, yelling, running

dislikes: driving, cooking, small talk, lack of attention, lack of control

character parallels: Joe Goldberg ( you ), Nick Miller ( new girl ), Adam Sackler ( girls )

ACTIVITIES & SKILLS

skills: teaching, creativity ( vision ), acting

weaknesses: his own emotions and actions 

hidden talents: can sing surprisingly well, and lie really well

languages spoken: English, and a little Spanish to get by

brief history

the davis family is to put it quite plainly, a fucking mess. it started out fairly typical. boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy and girl get married and have a baby. and then that baby ends up in foster care as a toddler. oh wait, that’s not typical. just the short end that leo was given by life, and man did life continue to give him a number of short ends. let’s back track at little. 

leo’s mom passed away when he was three years old. growing up everyone had told him she passed because she was sick. when he was old enough to find out what really happened, he regretted it. her autopsy had stated she had died from accidental poisoning, but he knew how to read between the lines. a young couple with a newborn in Brooklyn in that economy? leo’s poor father only made it three more months before he had succumb to his own vices, and figured his child was better off at some home ran by nuns. 

now you’d think, okay, a toddler would have a fine time getting adopted, but it became clear that his terrible toddler years weren’t a phase. he had bounced around from family to family till he was deemed too old to be desirable. leo was generally a quiet kid until this burst of energy would charged right through him. then he was loud, uncontrollable, and almost unattainable. the nuns had claimed he was possessed, but without looking through the narrow eye of religion, it was clear he needed help. but even as an adult he had never found the help he needed. he still deals with inability to communicate his emotions in a healthy way. he chooses vices to keep them subdued. hell, his own livelihood is one to mimic emotion and make others believe it. 

work

through everything, leo found solace in watching the black and white tv in the game room, and reading every bit of dr. suess and shakespeare he could get his hands on. he admired the way things always seemed to work out so well on the screen. how things were always so perfect when planned, written, and especially how they were portrayed. he was in love with that aspect and knew that he could act just as well. 

 he had success in beginning of his so called acting career. he was a vessel of pure potential. but even with a degree of performance arts from nyu, leo couldn’t be what they were all looking for. notes of being too aggressive, too intense, and too much had him fall back to teaching or live on the streets. he wouldn’t have guessed it but teaching all the ingenues and having their careers begin to bloom before his eyes was his own personal hell. he would watch as they took his advice and become far more than he’d ever be. the only thing that kept him going were three things. one, the money for he made was decent, and kept him comfortable in his townhome in manhattan. two, he could at least live vicariously. three, he could afford to forget it all at dive bar on the 9th. 

love

somehow leo met his wife in a cinematic meet cute. it was perfect. too perfect. too perfectly easy. their love affair moved in a way where an outsider could look at them and fill in the passion that wasn’t there. at least it wasn’t there for him. he loved her but didn’t know if that love held any depth. but somehow he made her happy. he didn’t understand himself but he continued through the motions long enough for him to believe that there was something between them rather than connivence. he gave her what she needed to keep her happy. a ring and a home, just anything other than himself. 

no, he reserved his true self for words on a screen. his affair was new and he didn’t deem it as an affair. he was seemingly just getting along with someone who understood him better. someone like himself. someone who wasn’t perfect and didn’t expect him to be. 

wanted connections

- platonic : friends, neighbors, college friends, acting clients, best friend ( the bartender skeleton ), therapist ( the therapist skeleton )

-romantic : exes, wife ( the married patient skeleton ), cat fish mistress ( the pretender skeleton ), baby mama 

-familial : close friend from foster care

If you were stranded on a deserted island, what three items (that are not electronic or automatic) would you take with you?

"A woman, a knife, and a mattress."

wow this cannot be good for me *keeps doing it*

YOU (2018-) 1.07 Everythingship

renfarber​:

She’d thought she’d be prepared for this. She’d thought that enough time had passed (what was it, almost a decade now?), and that she’d moved on, and she was over what had happened… but she wasn’t. She was smiling, looking at him now, because he looked so much like the boy she’d loved. She was smiling, but her heart had sunk, and her brain was so focused on his face that it forgot to remind her to breathe.

“No,” she said - too loudly for the quiet, echoing theatre, “no, please don’t go. It’s a good movie… I’ve heard. I haven’t seen it, but… that’s kind of the appeal.” Of course, she didn’t need to explain that to Leo. Anyone else on Earth, maybe, but this familiar-but-distant man, standing in shock ten feet from her, giving her almost the same expression he had the last time she’d seen him… he already knew. He knew her love of new things, new experiences, new places, new people. He’d loved that about her once. And it had hurt him in the end.

When she finally remembered how to move, she made her way toward him. Slowly, gingerly, like he were a wild animal or a broken bird, and might either attack or flee if she moved too suddenly. She would deserve both, she knew, even if it had been ten years. But selfishly, she just wanted to see him.

The lights went down, and the projector came on, and they were still standing, staring, closer now but still unsure of each other. “Will you stay?” Ren whispered.

-

Her loud protest to him leaving echoed tremendously. It stopped him in his slow attempt to leave. And quite honestly it warmed him up a bit. It was a good surprise to know that she wanted him to stay and enjoy the film. He hadn’t seen it either, but he couldn’t find himself to speak up as he was grew overwhelmed and overstimulated by everything. He was at a crossroads of what to do. He knew had this meeting been less than the decade that passed he’d already be out the door. Hell, maybe even popcorn in her hair.

Leo’s feet stepped back once she began her approach towards him. He had only stopped when he remembered his drink on the ground. He was stuck between making a mess or allowing her closer. He went with the latter. It did offer him a chance to look at her better. Her hair was in braids, he’d never seen it styled like that before. He also noticed her tattoo collection had grown. When his own collection had diminished.

But it was different now. He was different. He had love coming at him from multiple hearts. Love that he had desperately wanted from just one heart, years ago. Hers. Did he still feel that way now? With his heart strings being pull down by someone on his phone and with broken vows he pretended to keep with his wife? The lights turning down and glow of the hazy film lit the room. It shown upon her face in such a familiar way. He would usually stare at her in this light to watch her reaction when they shared this pastime. He blinked and answered her wordlessly, by sitting back down in his seat. His eyes never moved off of her. He just kept looking at her with an air of anticipation. It took him a bit too long to let it go and turn his head to the screen. He began to become too aware of his own breathing as he felt the side of body she was at heat up. He parted his lips to say something but quickly closed it to focus on the film. But just a moment later, he did once again.