I Need To Maybe Say This, Please Read If Possible.

I need to maybe say this, please read if possible.

I’ve seen plenty of posts saying “if you like to art you should be happy just sharing it rather than wanting notes, unless you want to get paid for it” or things around those lines.

Well honestly, I love doing art, I enjoy people seeing what I do, I enjoy doing it in general, but even since I thought “if I keep trying I could be an artist and make some sort of living out of it” I’ve always wanted to be paid for what I do, not only because it’s kind of a dream of mine but also because I actually NEED it now, well for a few years I’ve needed it, I can’t work physically, out in the open, etc. I promise you, I am unable to do anything in RL, it made me realize I am really not able to do anything, I have too many limitations, I’ve graduated HS even if I was there a few more years than planned, I’ve never had a job, not even babysitting, the reason why I didn’t graduate on time is because I couldn’t bring myself to go to school most of the time, as well as If the bell rang before I got to a class, I could never go to a class, that’s how bad my anxiety is, how all my problems are, I can’t even speak up to clerks, judges, anything, no matter how bad the situation. I’m always told “well once it gets bad enough you’re gonna have to bring yourself to do it” IT DOESN”T WORK THAT WAY, not for me, I wish it would, it makes me feel even more like a failure knowing I can’t do it. I won’t magically be able to do something just because the circumstances get worse, if anything that would make things harder for me. That’s another reason why I try to believe in what I do when it comes to art, it’s the only thing I’ve been “open” about, the only thing, ONLY thing I’ve ever been confident about, which makes it worse that I know I’m not well known, I’ve never been successful with it, especially not in a memorable way. I’ve had random one shot things that I’ve never been paid for, winning design on an anime store logo, getting into an art gallery, but not much else. I NEVER leave my house, I don’t have any friends, so it would also be good since all my time is dedicated to art, I’d be able to have a full time job doing this. I am always balancing on “my art sucks, not because my skills suck but because what I do isn’t memorable or I don’t pump things out fast enough.” and “I’m good, right? why am I not getting any attention?” I know most people don’t like when people have mindsets like this, well people who are open about it. So, since I, myself do want to get commission work and sell what I do, am I allowed to want attention? Should I actually try to get attention? I try my best not to because of how frail my mind is, anything breaks me, and hey it sucks, I try not to get attention due to being afraid of people me things like stop asking for attention, or people who want to hate on you just to do it, I already have enough at that as it is. I really need it though, I’m homeless now, no money, no place to go, no nothing, I’m scared. Even right now my mind is saying “I’m a failure” over and over again, though I try to think “everything will be okay, you just need to keep trying” but then it switches to “you’re not good enough, nobody likes you, stop trying already you aren’t good enough to be more than you are now.” I hope someone reads this..