“I’m Sorry. I’m Sorry That He Hurt You, I’m Sorry That You’re Still Afraid To Talk About It,

Okay so in my last Kevin post, I mentioned I have analysis' on how Kevin isn't a coward and how his trauma still affects him and you guys wanted to read it so here!

Why Kevin Day Isn’t a Coward: 

Essentially this comes down to 3 specific points in the fandom and even in the books since people are very adamant about the whole coward thing. The two things that people (in book and fandom-wise) use to argue that Kevin is a coward are: 

Kevin is still afraid/ doesn’t stand up to Riko 

That he left Jean behind in the nest.

Starting off with the first point. Kevin is still afraid and doesn’t stand up to Riko for the majority of the books. Firstly, we need to understand that Kevin has been abused from an extremely young age in the Nest and was conditioned into thinking that kind of behaviour was normal. And by that I mean specifically Riko’s abuse but before that, it was Coach Moriyama that abused both of them. 

He was stuck in the Nest for over a decade where his only role was “property” the entire time. That was all he would ever be to them and additionally to that, he wasn’t even allowed to be better than Riko. His entire life from the very start has been about exy but it was only after his mothers death where it became life or death. 

During tfc when Neil finds out how Kevin’s hand really broke Wymack says “But the day Kevin stops playing forever is the day he dies. He has nothing else. He wasn't raised to have anything else. Do you understand? We cannot lose to the Ravens this year. Kevin won't survive it."

He wasn’t raised to have anything else, exy is quite literally his everything, and without it, he has nothing and nobody. In this same scene, Wymack says, “Kevin doesn't talk about his time at Evermore, but I could tell it wasn't the first time Riko or Moriyama laid a hand on him. It was just the first time Kevin was smart enough to pack his bags and walk away.”

We never find out in detail what exactly happened to Kevin in the Nest but in TRK when Neil goes there we can see how deluded and obsessed Riko is with Kevin.

Neil moved up alongside him and regretted it almost immediately. Postcards of faraway cities both foreign and domestic were taped to the walls. Beneath each one were scraps of paper. Kevin's now-familiar scrawl listed dates and explanations for the travels. Most of them were games. Some indicated photo shoots and interviews. Books lined the shelves built into the headboard and Neil knew from skimming the spines they were Kevin's. Kevin was majoring in history for reasons Neil couldn't understand; these dry titles were the sorts of things he would find fascinating. It gave Neil chills to see his space preserved like this. It was like Kevin had gone out on an errand, not that he'd transferred to another team entirely.

Riko is so sure that Kevin is going to come back to him because he’s instituted such fear into him, he doesn’t think Kevin has the strength to stand up to him. Which he does, but people don’t seem to realise you can’t undo over a decade's worth of trauma overnight. 

Anyway, during Neil’s time in the Nest, he’s treated very similarly to how Kevin would be considering he was in his place but also not as harsh because they had to send Neil back to the Foxes inevitably.

"I am going to love hurting you," Riko said, "like I loved hurting Kevin."

What follows this is Riko tying Neil down and torturing him with a switchblade. By the time Neil leaves the Nest he doesn’t remember anything from the experience- he was so traumatised by it that he doesn’t remember it at all. (It also kinda sucks how Neil gets more sympathy for being in the nest for 2 weeks than Kev did for being there for over a decade.)

Putting this into perspective, Kevin went through that for so much longer and doesn’t get nearly enough of the same sympathy Neil did. Neil returned and Kevin got punched for letting him go even though he tried persuading Neil not to. Kevin has always had Neil’s best interest at heart. 

Kevin shook his head and bulled on when Neil started to argue. "The master wants to salvage you. He's going to sign you to the Raven lineup in spring. So long as you keep quiet and keep your head down he won't tell the main family he's found you." "I'm not a Raven," Neil said. "I never will be." "Then run," Kevin insisted, low and frantic. "It's the only way you'll survive."

Kevin was willing to sacrifice the only chance he had to prove his autonomy to the Moriyamas if it meant Neil would be safe. Without Neil, they wouldn’t have enough players to qualify and they wouldn’t be able to play at all. (Again: “But the day Kevin stops playing forever is the day he dies. He has nothing else. He wasn't raised to have anything else. Do you understand? We cannot lose to the Ravens this year. Kevin won't survive it.")

Not to mention the whole “Kevin was silent for an endless minute, then said, "You should be Court." It was barely a whisper, but it cut Neil to the bone. It was a resentful goodbye to the bright future Kevin had wanted for Neil. Kevin recruited Neil because he believed in Neil's potential. He brought him to the Foxes intending to make a star athlete out of him. Despite his condescending attitude and his dismissals of Neil's best efforts Kevin honestly expected Neil to make the national team after graduation.

And even after that, he promised to teach Neil, because at the end of the day, Neil was still Neil and he never gave up on him once.

And Neil understood that being on the run for 8 years was more preferable to the Nest. 

“But all Neil had to do was look at Kevin to know he would have hated that life 

too.”

Sorry I kinda went off track there anyway we can also see how much Riko’s presence still affects Kevin especially in scenes like the Kathy Ferdinand show. 

“Any animosity Neil felt toward Kevin for forcing him onto this show evaporated. He couldn't be angry when Riko was here, not when Riko was to Kevin what Neil's father was to him. Petty anger had nothing on this full-fledged terror.”

Obviously, we all know what a dickhead Neil’s dad was to him so Neil comparing the fear of his father being similar to Kevin’s fear of Riko is so important because it just puts into perspective how afraid Kevin is here face-to-face with his abuser the first time since said abuser permanently disabled him.

But what I don’t think is that Kevin has been standing upto Riko since the start because right after this when they were backstage, Kevin physically stopped Riko from hurting Neil even if it meant getting hurt by Riko again.

A black look twisted Riko's expression into something ugly and unrecognizable. He reached for Neil, but Kevin caught his arm to stop him. Riko slammed his elbow back into Kevin's face without missing a beat.

This scene is probably the best to describe how downright afraid Kevin is of Riko but there are others when Kevin has multiple panic attacks at just the thought of Riko or being in the same vicinity as him and rightfully so! Riko abused him, manipulated him and then took away the only thing he had. And Kevin was just forced to think this was okay. 

And a lot of characters and fans see his fear as cowardice instead of a normal trauma response. This is also because Neil tends to speak out more against Riko than Kevin (You know I get it…) but unlike Neil, Kevin has had direct repercussions towards him for the “mistake” of talking back to Riko which of course makes him hesitant. 

He knows the Moriyamas could drag him back at any moment and he's terrified of that happening.

Which leads to the second bit of “Kevin doesn’t stand up to Riko.” when many times, he has.

The most prominent example is in TRK, just after the foxes lost their first match to the ravens.

“You have fallen so far, Kevin. You should have stayed down and saved us the trouble of forcing you back to your knees." "I'm satisfied," Kevin said. It was the last response any of the Foxes expected from him. They forgot about Riko in favor of gaping at Kevin. "Not with their score or performance, but with their spirit. I was right. There's more than enough here for me to work with."

Kevin chose the foxes over the ravens- over Riko. He doesn’t allow their loss to become something Riko can use against him but instead something to affirm his current standing with them. This is also the first game Andrew played without his meds meaning he’s crashed by the end of it.

Kevin distracted the Ravens from Andrew's unsteadiness by facing them.

Kevin willingly turned to talk to his ex-abuser and his team if it meant Andrew wouldn’t be under fire. Most people only see Kevin and Andrew as Andrew protecting Kevin but Kevin protected Andrew just as much.

And of course we have the whole tattoo removal and the last exy match against the foxes but I need everyone to understand that those are so so so important. Kevin spent the entire series save the last quarter of the last book viewing himself as Riko’s property. Riko refers to him as such and even without Riko near him, his control is still strong over Kevin.

So Kevin removing his tattoo and replacing it with something with a higher hierarchical structure than Riko’s status as king is so detrimental, it’s a turning point for him because he’s viewing himself as his own person now. And Kevin scoring the winning goal brings us full circle because the last time he did that with Riko, he ended up disabled and shunned.

This brings me to my second point about Kevin running away from the nest. Alot of people see Kevin escpaing from the nest and leaving behind Jean as an act of cowardice. This bit gets a bit complicated because in no way shape or form am I trying to compare trauma’s or anything like that.

But to continue on. The ravens had a very strict policy that we got to see during Neil's experience one of which being that no matter how injured they were, they were still expected to show up to practice. The more mistakes they made the more punishment they'd find themselves in. Not showing was practically a death wish.

Now Kevin having his hand fucking broken would mean thay either he doesn't practise and get punished or practise with his fucked up hand and further damage it. If he stayed I wholeheartedly believe he would've died.

He ran away to save his life and that will never be cowardice not once. He didn't go to Wymack immediately when he found out because he knew what kind of target he'd paint on Wymacks back.

"He was trying to protect him," Neil said. "If Coach knew Kevin was his son, he'd have tried to take him from Edgar Allan." Nicky grimaced. "They'd have never let Kevin go." 

He only left when he had no other option. He had nothing left, the one thing he did have was taken away from him, he had no purpose and for once Riko didn't care enough about him to pay attention. And he used that to run.

Leaving Jean behind was something he always regretted, but it was a game of survival. Jean was a gift to the Moriyamas, he was also property to them and couldn't leave. And if the roles were reversed I strongly believe Jean would've done the same thing.

Also Kevin finds a place for him layer with the trojans because he knew that being a fox wouldn't be good for him.

"He isn't safe with us," Kevin said. "I won't give him false hope."

Staying in the nest would've been suicide for Kevin. He's one of the biggest victims in the series but nobody talks about it enough I fear and there's so much to learn about him via context clues etc.

And the saddest thing in my opinion is that Kevin knew was it was like to be loved, he was raised by his mother for a few years before going to the Moriyamas. 

ANYWAY to conclude, I suck at essays and I hope I've worded everything well and what I'm trying to say gets across. Kevin is not a coward, never has been a coward and never will be. He's survived through such a damaging and abusive environment only to get moved to a separate environment where everyone just ridicules his defense tactics and he has no real sense of support. 

His reasons for what he does always stems from the fact the he doesn't want to go back to being under Riko and Coach Moriyamas "care" and that he's afraid. And most of the time it's things he can't shake from the nest.

Like when he pushes the foxes its so they're always at their best and so none of them get hurt or punished for mistakes. He pushed himself the hardest because he doesn't want to directly affect his teammates. 

Or the celebrity persona he was forced to develop.

Or how he makes sure everyone is staying healthy and that they don't force themselves to play when sick or injured because he knows what it's like to be forced to play like that day after day. 

AND IVE GONE OFF COURSE AGAIN yeah I kinda mashed together both analysis' of how Kevin's trauma from the nest affects him and how he's not a coward into one thing AND THIS IS SUPER LONG so if ur still here thank you very much for reading I really hope this makes sense

Kevin Day One-Shot

This is a little snippit of Kevin’s first couple of weeks living in dorms after leaving the nest (pre- the foxhole court). I’m just trying to get a grasp of Kevin and Andrew’s dynamic in the beginning and ended up writing a k about Kevin trying to cook eggs for the first time. I’m operating on the assumption that Kevin’s life was pretty strictly controlled in the nest.

CW: Discussion of disordered eating | food insecurity

Kevin was frozen in the kitchen and wasn’t that annoying. The pan was slowly getting hotter, the bottom burning some dark substance encrusted to the stove top where someone, probably Nicky had spilled something without bothering to clean up. The scent made him sick. He knew he should probably pour some oil in the pan or atleast take it off the heat so the non-stick coating wouldn’t be ruined, or at least that’s what Renne told him two weeks ago. The pan was smoking now.

A soft shuffling came from the doorway behind him. The sound didn’t startle him but the presence of another body was enough to break his trance, and he grabbed the pan with his right hand, moving it off the heat. Later, when Kevin met Neil and then Nathaniel and then Neil again, Kevin would learn how to be alone but for now he let himself be relieved at another person’s breathing softening the silence. People were Kevin’s first vice, before the vodka and maybe even before exy. He wasn’t certain that he existed when he was alone, sure that his body would disappear if no one’s eyes were constantly holding it down from slowly seeping away into the floorboards of the court and making sure his body was still made of flesh and bones instead of nylon lace and hardened plastic. The night time glow streaming through the window was an unfamiliar blue instead of red and wasn’t this whole thing annoying.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Andrew’s voice was rough with sleep.

 Kevin turned to him, hyper aware of his muscles forming the lost expression on his face. He was never good at hiding his reactions, especially from Riko, never from Riko. When Keven didn’t say anything, Andrew just stared back at him, unmedicated expression blank. 

After a while, Andrew hummed and walked around the counter into the kitchen. He didn’t look at Kevin as he grabbed the vegetable oil from its place on the second shelf. Kevin didn’t move even as Andrew reached across him, maintaining his prescribed two inches of space between skin, to grab the pan which was sitting uselessly on the cold backburner (And wasn’t that funny) and sit it back on the still hot burner. He turned the knob to medium heat. Reaching into the fridge, Andrew moved aside Nicky’s half full jug of orange juice and a couple beers to grab Kevin’s carton of eggs. It was full - he had just bought it today. 

He hadn’t even been planning to buy them. The Palmetto student athlete contract included full access to a dining plan with a wide variety of balanced nutritional options for him to properly fuel his body for exy. He had no reason to use the kitchen in their shared dorm room, but he had walked past the over priced campus grocery store on his way back from class and stopped. A sickening buzz of adrenaline had clawed its way up his throat when he pushed open the door. Entering a grocery store felt like falling off a cliff, the little door bell his last warning before free fall, and didn’t that just make Kevin want to break something. Instead he bought a carton of eggs at a 200% markup and now they sat on the counter in his dorm room kitchen at 2 in the morning. The nest didn’t have a kitchen.

Andrew grabbed an egg, still in silence, and expertly cracked it against the edge of the counter, then unceremoniously dropping the contents of the egg into the pan. He did this three more times in quick succession. They stood shoulder to shoulder listening to the sizzling cracking sound of the oil, not looking at each other. After about a minute or two, Andrew seemed to deem the eggs as “done”,  though Kevin didn’t know how Andrew could know, seeing as he didn’t even set a timer. He divided the eggs onto two plates. Two for himself and two for Kevin. Andrew walked over to the table and sat his plate in front of himself and then slid the other plate with perfect precision to rest in front of the seat across from him. The plate made sure to make a mocking scraping sound on the way over to its destination. 

Andrew devoured his eggs in seemingly two bites and then finally raised his eyes to meet Kevin’s. In the dim kitchen they were impossibly dark, not a hint of their usual gold. Kevin dropped the eye contact, he regretted it instantly and stared down at his eggs, ears burning. 

The thing was that Kevin hadn’t planned this far ahead. He’d already tried to make eggs twice. Once as soon as he had gotten back from class, still riding whatever nauseating delusion that had caused him to go into the store in the first place. He quickly realized that he didn’t know what temperature you were supposed to cook eggs at: was it a slow cook at low heat or a fast fry at high heat? And once the eggs start cooking, how long do you leave them for? And maybe he should separate out the yolks and just use the egg whites? His neck had started heating up and his knuckles turned white around the spatula, trying to stop himself from snapping it, not that he really cared if he broke the cousins’s shitty dollar store spatula. He ended up watching an old exy game instead.

The second time, he made it as far as the fridge, before he realized he was wasting time. He wasn’t at Palmetto state to make eggs. He went back to his dorm bed to do some grip strengthening exercises and review some outlines he’d made for the team’s Friday practice.

So now he was sitting staring at two fried eggs with round unbroken yokes glaring back at him and for some reason he couldn’t even remember if he really liked eggs. He took a bite anyway, knife scratching against the ceramic plate in the silence. He met Andrew’s eyes again, still engulfed in darkness. Andrew sneered at him. He tilted his chair back, resting on the back two legs and lazily nodded his head towards the kitchen. Bored. Always bored.

“Don’t forget to clean up.”

Kevin scowled at Andrew’s retreating form. Kevin didn’t finish his eggs, simply scraping them into the garbage, but he did clean up. Afterall, Kevin was well practiced at existing in a shared space, even if he could count the times he’s had to wash dishes on one hand.

Andrew didn’t do anything and he didn’t want anything. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. But he made him eggs. Kevin knew he was getting distracted - he’s been unfocused for a while. This is why the nest operated with strict rules and clear outlines with harsh but immediate consequences. Without a structure, he started trying to build meaning out of groceries. He thought about Andrew’s dark eyes and how they looked like dark rooms and he felt nauseous again. After he finished cleaning, Kevin always completed his work, he grabbed the entire carton of eggs and dumped the whole thing in the trash. 

HOW IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

SHE SAID THAT THEY WERE DATING, MY BABIES ARE IN A FUCKING SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP

Synchronization of horrors.

It had to happen one day. Jean sees flashes of other people's hands in front of his eyes, shying away from Kevin's soothing touch. All he can do is squeeze out a pathetic "no" on the verge of hysteria rising to his throat.

Jeremy is at Moreau's side at the same moment. He has seen how him lives through such attacks, and knows what to do. Kevin steps back, allowing Jeremy to sit Jean down on a chair. It is not easy for him to realize that he can do nothing to help his second beloveds who has survived violence.

Andrew and Jean are inherently very similar. They wrest control from the world. On bad days, Andrew only lets Neil in, and Jean only lets Jeremy in. No exceptions. They are their safe place. Fair enough, considering these are the people who managed to figure them out faster than anyone else.

Synchronizing their shared nightmares is maddening. Neither Andrew nor Jean like to show their vulnerability, and these days they try to avoid each other, going in different directions. They literally trigger at the sight of each other.

This day is just one of those when Kevin wants to burst into tears from impotence. The horrors of the past overtake his guys at the same time. Word for word, and Andrew does not hold back with words, in fact, like Jean.

It hurts.

It opens up old wounds.

Neil crawls out of his and Andrew's room. He does not approach them, pausing in the doorway. Jeremy shakes his head, and Neil realizes that neither he nor Kev have anything to do here. He pulls Day away by the edge of a home stretched T-shirt. The sound of shuffling footsteps hangs unpleasantly in the atmosphere of a quiet house.

"How's Andrew?" Kevin asks, and Neil shrugs vaguely.

The exact answer is: in the abyss of nightmares, mired in the swamp of the rolling past. Neil doesn't say that. If Minyard wants to, he will tell everything himself.

Kevin accepts Josten's silence. They curl up together on the sofa in the living room, clinging to each other like drowning people. The Ravens destroyed Jean. The system destroyed Andrew. Their hastily glued fragments cut painfully and without warning not only them.

Neil wraps his arm around Day's waist, looking oceans of pupils into his eyes. The storm hides inside him, infecting Kevin with quiet anger.

"It's so fucked up, Kev."

The muffled sound of French deafens them both. They would give anything not to understand fragments of Jean's panic attacks in his native language. It's scary. Details of the horrors of his past.

Kevin nudges Neil lightly in the back.

"Maybe you should go to Andrew. He needs you a lot more than I do."

Neil isn't moving anywhere. Andrew asked for space, and he's giving it to him. After all, who is he to violate his boundaries? He's much more useful here, next to a completely lost Kevin.

matt & andrew friendship!!! (extension to this)

matt had a fairly easy time becoming friends with nicky, kevin, and aaron, mostly because once all the issues in their respective lives had been somewhat solved they were more open to branching out

andrew was another matter

matt was beginning to see andrew differently because of the way neil talked about him, and also because of the way renee was starting to talk about him (she used to be more private about their friendship)

hearing about andrew’s devotion to the people he cares about reminds matt a LOT of himself, so one day he finds him alone in the dorms and properly apologizes to him for how he used to be treated by the team

he makes it clear that he understands if andrew isn’t interested in being friends with them, but matt is willing to give it a try if he is

nothing happens for a few days, and then during practice renee calls matt over to join in on a “debate” she and andrew are having on their stroll around the court

matt has the earth shattering realization that andrew is hilarious

and not only does the man have some serious deadpan comedy going on, he’s also wildly intelligent and profound

(unbeknownst to him, andrew has also been hearing about matt from renee and neil, and perhaps….he is a little curious)

the other foxes are so weirded out because during practice matt will just be chilling next to andrew and then suddenly burst into laughter

neil is Very Happy about this

the two of them start having more one-on-one conversations, and they actually get along really well?? matt is a good listener, and he has this way of getting andrew to talk that surprises both of them

but they also very quickly master the art of just sitting in comfortable silence and keeping each other company while they both do homework or something

matt also figures out oh. andrew’s expression does change. you just have to look very closely. it’s all in the eyes!!

andrew, during rooftime, staring into space and Thinking Hard: “why the fuck does matt keep on staring at me” 

neil, flicking gravel off the ledge, barely thinking at all: “he’s not staring he just wants to know how you feel” 

andrew, realizing he’s gonna add a 6′4 himbo to his Protection List: “shit”

they have a very deep understanding of each other

there is more to matt than just the outgoing chaotic extroverted friend

he gets so deeply invested in his friends and sometimes it overwhelms him because he doesn’t know what to do!! he doesn’t know where to put all of his love for them!! kinda like that mary oliver poem

and he was so lonely growing up because both of his parents were pretty absent (but his relationship with his mom got stronger in middle school) and he always feels like he doesn’t deserve the foxes

so he quietly pours all of himself into them, into buying their favorite snacks when they’re sad, listening as they vent, giving them the last of his water at practice, just being the Ultimate Dad Friend

and andrew gets it. he really gets it.

in the girls’ senior year the team takes another road trip to a skiing lodge, and it is an absolutely perfect week of nothing but a good time

at some point matt mumbles something about needing to call his mom and disappears and andrew gives him like 5 minutes before he goes to check on him

matt is curled up with his earbuds in and trying to Deal With His Emotions because he knows nothing lasts forever but he wants it to last forever

he remembers the days when his parents were happy together and they were a proper family and how it can all fall apart overnight

andrew nudges him with his foot and he looks so unimpressed but matt knows better

“matthew. hey matthew. matthew donovan. matthew donovan boy-” “i’m fine just vibing” “if you think we are going to leave you then you are even stupider than i thought.” 

they go back to the rest of their team together

their friendship quickly turns into a “YOU ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF EVERYONE ELSE BUT WHO IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU?? ME!! I AM GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU!!” type thing

and then it eventually becomes a “let’s take care of ourselves but together ❤” type thing

whenever one of his friends sits next to him, matt reflexively rests his arm along the back of their chair/the sofa

it’s not at all territorial or patronizing, it’s just his brain responding to friend is near!! and all the other foxes think it’s kinda funny

one day andrew sits down next to him in the lounge, and matt’s arm twitches, but he stops himself because he is always very mindful of other people’s boundaries

andrew, not looking up from his phone: “it’s fine.” 

a photo of the two of them ends up on the lounge wall the next day, matt turning away to hide a giant grin with his arm chilling along the back of the couch, andrew’s expression flat but his body relaxed

matt says it’s probably his favorite photo

(neil agrees)

A list of things kevin does for neil post-evermore

Wakes up on the raven schedule with him so when he waits in his dorm he isn't alone and kevin can help him figure out the time

Casually reminds neil of the time, so he knows he isnt losing time anymore

Let's neil be extra harsh on him in team practice when hes cleared play, cause none of the others would understand raven playing.

Helps ease neil back into non-nest food (I hc they had ridiculously strict diets there)

Mindlessly shares clothes & food with Neil because ravens share everything

Helps him take care of that tattoo - ensure it wouldn't get infected

Right after Neil gets back from evermore he finds himself looking over his shoulder for jean everywhere he goes and his vaguely anxious when he finds no one there. Without out saying anything kevin falls in to place right behind neil on his left side right behind him. Close enough that if neil leans back he can feels Kevin's chest and not for the first time since evermore he is grateful.

chu chu 💘

my campain for everyone to read all for the game continues

these two, i’m… *shakes fist*

/check for some serious triggers before reading tho!/