Shouto's Christmas Present To His Husbands Or Something

bruce was not made to be a father he was made to be a grandpa. hes not supposed to raise children he's supposed to spoil grandchildren rotten and terrorize strangers with images of ugly babies. you will never see bruce wayne more serene or at peace with the universe than when he is in some meeting in some board room showing a bunch of people who really hate children photos of his granddaughter until they look like hes got them in a saw trap. Once upon a time he would have been trapped in here with them. Now, though? They're trapped in here with him.

*Timbern because I'm a slut*

—

Bernard and Tim, playing Minecraft together

Bernard: Hey, hey, Tim.

Tim, trying to make an XP farm work: Yeah?

Bernard, snickering: Can we— Can I put my bed next to yours?

Tim, feigning shock: Before marriage?!

Bernard: Before marriage!

They both laugh hysterically, they've been playing for eight hours straight

—

Tim, screaming: IT'S CHASING ME IT'S CHASING ME IT'S CHASING ME

Bernard: What is it!?

Tim: A CREEPER!

Bernard: Aw, man... HIT AND RUN HIT AND RUN!!!

Tim: IT'S GONNA EXPLODE OH I'M GODS WE'RE GONNA DIE I JUST GOT THE OBSIDIAN OH MY GODS!!!

—

Bernard: Hey, uh, Timboo?

Tim, building their house: Hm?

Bernard: I'm lost.

Tim: How did you get lost? You left three minutes ago!

Bernard: I DON'T know, I am in an unfamiliar area!

Tim: I don't see your nametag.

Bernard: I'm gonna die.

Tim: No, no, we just made iron armor.

Bernard: I'll find my way home, someday, my love!

Tim, looking at their cats: I'm a single Mother now...

Bernard: Wait for me! I'll find my way home— oh, wait, coordinates.

Tim: Huh? Oh, yeah.

—

Bernard: I made the sheep gay.

Tim: You what?

Bernard: I made the sheep gay, I used the nametag and did the trick.

Tim, going to the farm: GAY SHEEP!!!

Bernard: GAY SHEEP!!!

—

Bernard: Hey, hey, Tim.

Tim: What?

Bernard: I found wolves.

Tim: I'll bring the bones!!!

—

Bernard: I made you something.

Tim: What is it?

Bernard, placing a cake down:

Tim:

Bernard:

Tim: Marry me.

—

Bernard:

Tim:

Bernard: I wish I could get you pregnant in Minecraft.

Tim: Didn't you make us in the Sims?

Bernard: Yeah, we're on our fourth child.

Tim: Freak.

Bernard: You make good money as a secret agent, my restaurant is doing well.

Tim: Can you make me become a super villain?

Bernard: Absolutely.

Tim: Nice.

Bernard: As soon as you're off maternity leave.

Tim: F#&% you.

Bernard: Dick keeps coming over though, and I think Jason wants to steal our youngest.

Tim:

—

Tim: We've been playing for... Three days.

Bernard, half awake, mining: Huh? Oh, yeah, we have.

Tim: Should... Should we stop?

Bernard: I mean. What would we do?

Tim:

Bernard:

Tim: Wanna go do a village raid?

Bernard: Hell yeah.

—

I love the HC where all the brothers are like "yeah, Dick is an idiot lol" but the moment someone says something bad about him, they jump to defend him with their lives... Even from himself, lol

Jason: Dick? Ah, yeah, he's stupid.

X: Ha! Yes, I bet he can't even add 2 + 2.

Jason: WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? That guy was a mathlete, he won every damn contest he entered. Gotham Academy has a whole hall just for his trophies in different disciplines, both mental and physical skill. You wish you could be like that.

Tim: Sometimes I wish Nightwing would stop trusting people so much.

X hero: He's very naive, isn't he?

Tim: What??? No! The guy is a master manipulator, he knows every move you're going to make and he's three miles ahead of you. Whatever you do, he will know and be able to react accordingly in a second. He has more contingency plans than Batman! He is far from being naive!

Damian: You are too soft with them.

Dick: I am, aren't I? I guess I'm not at my best anymore.

Damian: Don't you dare say that again. You're one of the best fighters I know and you're the only person in the world I know who can do the stunts you do. You are literally the epitome of human fitness. Shut up. Don't look down on my Batman.

Duke just punched two people who were talking bad about Richie after he gave an interview on TV <3

Tim: So Duke, you officially been at the manor a year, how are you liking it?

Duke: I’m finally settling in. I’m no longer worried Bruce is going to send me away.

Jason: I get that. I thought I was just some charity case. I was terrified that I would mess up and end up back on the streets. I stole a bunch of expensive looking things and kept them in a go bag. I was prepared.

Damien: I too feared being sent away. My grandfather would have been disappointed. I was prepared to fight to the death to prove my place in the family.

Dick: I was sleeping with a knife in my sock in case he sent me back juvie.

Cass: (signing) I feared disappointing him. I felt like I needed to earn my place here.

Steph: He couldn’t get rid of me if he tried. I am like glitter.

Tim: Same. I think he tried to kick me out like 6 times. I just laughed and walked past him.

Duke: Are we just going to ignore Dick’s knife comment?

i've said before that i love the english teacher jason todd headcanon but a similar one i think is very much overlooked is art teacher damian. in fact, i don't think i've ever seen it before. but i think it would be AWESOME hahaha

Damian: *carrying a large box* occasionally, my own sophisticated vernacular does not do justice to a situation . . . so to paraphrase one of my students . . . this sucks ass Jon: *grabs box, then raises brows* i was going to tease you for that . . . but yeah. this thing is freakin' heavy. what is this??? damian: *looking EXTREMELY tired* clay. for my students to make . . . sculputes out of. jon: *weary* why the hesitation? damian: more often than not their sculptures are more bomb than sculpture. jon: . . . ah. how does that work exactly? damian: *staring into the distance* now why would i trust you with the knowledge of how to make a bomb, jonathan.

Damian: welcome to class, students. today we will be participating in one of my personal favorite mediums, painting student: what do we paint? damian: anything but batman. i know you enjoy memorializing vigilantes in your art, but he angered me last night and as such the sight of him would sicken me students: one brave soul: what did he do? daminan: *straight-faced* he ate the last of the peanut butter in the pantry and failed to buy a new jar. now, for the paintings--

jason: *groaning, head resting on the papers strewn over his table* god, my students are so dumb damian: *framing and hanging up art pieces gifted to him by his students* i cannot say i relate, todd jason: *under his breath* fuck you too

damian: *peering over jason's shoudler at grading jason is doing* what is all this? the red marker? jason: *chugging coffee like its a shot* mistakes i have to correct for them damian: *frowns* that is a lot of mistakes. jason: how 'bout you? how'd your students do on their assignment? damian: well, jenn forgot that we'd moved on from abstracts, so her landscape appears as if it has stepped foot out of a picasso rather than the monet it should have been, but i have graded her with the abstract scale rather than the realism given that it was a simple mistake. her usage of tones and textures impressed me, and while the expressionism and irrealism is slightly off-putting in a landscape, i have found it quite pleasing to the eye. jason: i have no fucking clue what you just said but okay

We should talk more about shoes that Batfam wear with their suits. Like, surely, they have some special shoes that are made specifically for the vigilante activies, but imagine them forgetting to switch it on different occasions?

Bruce, hurrying in a place of crime after running away from gala, so goons die of laughter seeing Batman in rich-ass, patent leather shoes, and keep making fun of him.

Dick gets an emergency call in the middle of his salsa dancing classes, and everyone witnesses Nightwing's perfect acrobatic skills followed by a clicking of his boots.

Jason intentionally comes to the shootout in his cowboy boots. Was he inspired by Dante from Devil May Cry? Was it Roy's idea? Who fucking knows. But he keeps making awful puns the whole time.

Tim absolutely knowingly keeps putting on his favourite converses, because he doesn't give a fuck and other shoes make his feet hurt. Also, he looks cool, and teenagers adore Red Robin for that alone.

Cass fights in her ballet flats once. It should be funny, but the sight of her, kicking everyone's asses while acting like she is in the middle of the ballet practice, makes everyone shiver for another few weeks.

Stephanie buys herself those kinds of shoes that light up in neon when you step on the ground harshly. She decides she doesn't want to wear anything else in her whole life and gets excited when she they light up with violet, matching her suit.

Damian once woke up by his father in the middle of the night during some important case. He is so sleepy that he leaves for the patrol in his plushie, cow-themed slippers. Others are too sleep-deprived to notice.

Duke has the worst week in his life thanks to goons and finals. He is so frustrated that he just... throws his flip-flops straight in the criminal's head. The video made by some random civilian circulates in the internet non-stop.

DpxDc #17

What a (death) day.

Jason was going to kill whoever was selling drugs to kids in the alley.

The boy on the ground was shaking, barely breathing, and coughing up blood. The poor guy was coming down from a seizure, almost suffocating on his own spit.

Luckily, Jason saw him on time and was able to help put him in a safe position. He almost had a heart attack seeing a kid having an overdose in a lonely alley.

He rubbed the kid's back, trying to stimulate breathing, begging internally for his heart to keep beating.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

The black-haired teenager kept mumbling between breaths, muscles twitching like a dying bug.

Jason could only try and help as much as he could. He wasn't going to call an ambulance, since unfortunately, there was a high chance that his call was going to be rejected due to the location and nature of the emergency.

Drug overdose was too common; they would tell you to make sure they don't choke and hang up on you.

"I'm sorry..."

"Shh... It's alright, you're going to be okay..."

.

.

.

What a shitty, shitty day.

It hit him like a truck, the pain in his chest.

He was just walking back to his hotel room after visiting Gotham University, when it started.

Danny compleatly fucking forgot about his death day.

He was able to drag himself into an empty alley, trying not to die of embarrassment as he was starting to feel his arm tingle.

This was going to suck.

Uh lesbians

After Clark tells Lois that he’s Superman—and, you know, the last surviving member of his alien race, no big deal—she starts wondering what is Clark being Clark and what is Clark being an alien. She makes lists and asks endless questions. Clark is (mostly) patient with her. It’s cute.

“Does coffee actually do anything for you? I mean, you look half dead without it, so I assume the caffeine does something.”

“Hurtful, but okay. It’s psychological. I like the taste and it’s part of my routine. I guess I’ve conditioned myself to feel like I need it to start the day.”

“Your music—do you actually like it, or is that just a front?”

“Yes, Lois, I actually like Beyoncé. She makes art. Have you heard the harmonies? She sings them all herself and then layers—“

“Oh my God, Superman’s in the BeyHive.”

“Meg’s great too.”

“Trainor?”

“Thee Stallion.”

“Oh my God, Superman’s having a Hot Girl Summer.”

“Do you eat? I mean…wait, is that food allergy thing a lie?”

“Do I—yes, Lois, you’ve seen me eat!”

“Okay, but do you need to? Also, way to dodge the food allergy question.”

“Under a red sun, yes, I would need to eat regularly. Under a yellow sun, assuming I’m not injured, I’m pretty sure I could go weeks without food. I haven’t tested it, though.”

“And the food allergy?”

“I’m not eating Cat’s deviled eggs at the office potluck, and I don’t feel bad for lying.”

“So your snack drawer at work—“

“Is just a snack drawer. One you shouldn’t even know about. How do you—“

“Hush, let me finish. Peanut butter crackers. Peanut butter pretzels. Peanut butter cups. A jar of peanut butter. What gives?”

“I like peanut butter.”

“Clearly!”

“It’s good protein!”

“Do you fake being startled? Like when people pop up behind you?”

“No. Just because I can hear you doesn’t mean I’m actively listening or always paying attention.”

“So you can hear when people are having se—“

“Can I? Yes. I’m also tuning it out, because ew. Massive invasion of privacy, and I don’t want to know what everyone gets up to.”

“What do you get up to?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Yes, Clark, that’s why I’m asking.”