The Onion Continues To Never Miss

im dying over this thread of algorithmically-generated/otherwise low-effort Kindle covers

hear me out what if I did

don’t change the entire premise of the story you’re already in the middle of writing don’t change the entire premise of the story you’re already in the middle of writing don’t change the entire premise of the story you’re already in the middle of writing don’t change the entire premise of the story you’re already in the middle of writing don’t change the entire premise of the story you’re already in the middle of writing don’t change the entire premise of the story you’re already in the middle of writing

ipods are still a thing in Canada??????

>be me

>be aromantic and allosexual

>discover lgbtq+ people exist and find out about every possible label under the sun via the magic of the internet in like grade 2

>as an attention seeking child with major identity issues, get REALLY into categorizing and sorting your existence with this new library of adjectives

>end up thinking ur asexual bc you can tell theres something missing from ur clearly present feelings for other ppl, but because you are a child and those feelings are not explicitly sexual yet, you think the only non-platonic feelings you could possibly have are romantic ones

>when u hit puberty and those feelings do become sexual, repress and ignore any and all possible sexual emotions to the point of developing a repulsion towards everything sexual bc you have extreme internalized shame around the subject from seeing traumatic things ofc and moreso from having been infantilized by everyone around you your entire life

>when you hear the rhetoric from adults and tv that middle schoolers' feelings for eachother are not "real feelings," assume that you're simply being very self aware for ur age by recognizing and living by this

>dont realize that the way you experience crushes is much more.... pragmatic than your peers

>you literally look through your class photo and narrow it down to one using logistical compatibility to decide your crushes

>when your best friend since preschool starts avoiding and phasing you out without explaining anything to your dense autistic self, subconsciously see this situation as if before you were putting 50/50 into the friendship, but now she is only putting 10% in, so if you had a crush on her (which is famously MORE than friendship) it would make up for that missing 40% and you would remain the same level of friends. obviously, choose to have a crush on her

>occasionally see a different friend as a possible crush because you are objectively similar, live within walking distance from eachother, and actually spend time together. dont question the legitimacy of your crush on your bsf when it is so easily and swiftly replaced sometimes

>that other friend has a crush on you and one day when hanging out with him, you catch a very mutually crushful vibe, and moments later you confess to eachother

>basically describe a queerplatonic relationship when explaining what you want to be with him, which he agrees to, but it quickly shifts into a romantic one because without knowing the terminology its just easier to think of it that way and it noticeably makes him feel better

>almost immediately be filled with inexplicable dread about being in this relationship and break up with him because "youve realized you still have a crush on your best friend." you remain close friends obviously, but he talks about being hung up on it for a while before moving on whereas you were over it the second it was over

>compensation-crush on best friend persists

>as a last ditch effort to salvage that friendship, write her a note confessing your "feelings" at the end of the school year and put it in her backpack. its a win-win because if she accepts it, the friendship will become 50/50 again and if she rejects it, you wont have to face her because you'll be homeschooled next year

>your ipod is broken and you cannot contact her outside of school, so the note was kind of stupid. like 6 months later get your hands on a handmedown iphone and finally manage to reach her, resulting in a huge argument with her and with your mutual friend

>beg her to explain why she suddenly hated you last year until she tells you she never hated you, you just questioned your gender too much and it "wasnt her"

>you are an insecure child with internalized homophobia and transphobia so just feel terrible and concede to having a faux reconciliation that never lasts beyond a couple short smalltalk convos

>also have a REAL reconciliation with the mutual friend so you stay very close w both her and her brother (your "ex") forever after

>ur next experience w a romantic relationship is this girl using you as a romantic rebound after a breakup, and you using her as a platonic rebound after having lost your bsf. the relationship is very inconsequential and does not affect your barely present friendship w one another which fades completely not long after

>edate a bunch of ppl for a couple days each time like a crazy person because all of you are desperate chronically online gay teenagers in quarantine. zero romantic feelings involved on any party's side throughout all of them

>have your biggest romantic relationship yet (like 5 months) with the mutual friend. you basically just hang out everyday, call eachother girlfriend terminology, and do cute tiktok trends its not that different from a close friendship

>it eventually ends because she finds out shes polyamorous and despite ur greatest attempts you just cant get comfortable w that and you want to support her without your personal feelings from dating her interfering. also this is when you think you're a gay man for some reason so that is another aspect

>edate one more person and this one actually lasts a while albeit because he disappears to the psych ward for multiple months before getting the chance to breakup w you and you dont even notice him not responding, you're so busy beginning to question if you're aromantic

>he eventually reappears saying "sorry ive actually only viewed you platonically this whole time" and you are like "awesome sauce!!"

>whatever realizations you were beginning to have about aromanticism are flushed down the drain as you enter a year long identity-destroying delusional period that takes you practically another year to recover from afterwards. which is something i will not get into

>you are now 15 and finally beginning to explore and accept the fact that you are not 100% asexual. it takes until you are 16 before you fully admit that youre not asexual at all, but you still avoid thinking about it too much and cling on to the title a little at all times subconsciously because its hard to let go of something youve identified as and found community over and developed as a person in relation to for like half of ur current time alive. not only that but the deep internalized shame is still very much present, and you feel like as long as youre "probably still asexual in some way" you arent totally disappointing everyone you care about

>17 now, and a few days of spontaneous intermittent identity questioning has you realize you're aromantic AND not asexual, or at least that you might be and there's no harm in referring to yourself as such even if you turn out to be wrong

>you cannot effectively articulate any thoughts or feelings on the matter at first as it begins to creep into your mind and theres zero movie representation to help steer you through this, which is something tremendously important to you as an autistic person who's special interest is movies (and co)

>you spiral emotionally for a week until finally one day a rant about amatonormativity you started turns into a diary entry of some kind that details everything you desperately needed to get into words.

>yay! emotional resolution! the world is well again!

>but now you have to live like this

it's been three years since Infinity Train Book 3 aired. here's something i made like two years ago and never posted

itch.io

Fakemon I made as a kid by FireFlysAllTheWayDown

this is like a quick thing i made in a day, it's a collection of poorly drawn fakemon I made in middle school

i made a silly little zine for fun

*with tears in my eyes* I think I’m coping pretty well

she won’t stop trying to kill jumperwho,,,,,

I have finished recording something I still have alot of work to do but I super proud of myself

Little friend :) 

(I’m back!) 

in my orcs rpg, your choices matter,