Kaleidoscopechaos827 - The Kaleidoscope System

How it feels when your system is trying to make any important decision

buckaroos know

when you grew up as a lonely uncool girl it will never stop haunting you by the way. you will meet a cool person at a bar or the train station or at a friend's party and you can wear your most stylish outfit and striking eye makeup and you will swear that they can see through all of the facade and see the lonely terribly insecure teenage girl you used to be who desperately wanted to connect and you will swear that they know that there is like an insurmountable gap between you. this will happen forever

you don't "hate kids," you hate being forced into a caretaking role.

you don't "hate kids," you hate censorship passed off as family values.

you don't "hate kids," you hate the constrictiveness of the nuclear family.

you don't "hate kids," you're just not used to occupying fully age diverse spaces so you're not used to the noise or the many different kinds of needs.

you don't "hate kids," most public spaces just aren't built for kids, and so the few kids you see are always uncomfortable and distressed.

you don't "hate kids," you hate the intense social rules assigned to kids and anyone who interacts with kids.

You don't "hate kids," you hate how society reproduces its most restrictive elements and how kids are powerless to resist it.

I hate needing other people in order to feel ok, especially when the people we need are also not doing ok, and clinging to them would make them feel worse. It's so hard to find the balance of how much it is or isn't ok to lean on the people we need

I once heard somewhere that the opposite of dysregulation is self expression

Any time that our emotions feel like they're out of control, or we feel empty and hollow, or like we're anxious or scared or shaking and tense for some other reason, or we're so apathetic to everything around us that it's hard to get ourselves to do anything, that's emotional dysregulation. A lot of people think that the opposite of that is just nothingness, but I heard somewhere once that the opposite is actually self expression, like writing about it, talking about it, painting about it, anything that lets those feelings be seen and expressed and felt and released.

I wonder if that's why art can be so healing. I wonder if writing just a little something about it whenever I have the energy for it, could maybe help.

solo

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