Me To Everyone Struggling With Discrimination Like I Am - But Also Worse.

Me to everyone struggling with discrimination like I am - but also worse.

To the trans femmes/trans women of colour who are systematically oppressed. Who get assaulted by "peace" officers and faced with gross uses of "power" (control) from a system that doesn't care, and so they get penalized-or they get murdered every year.

To all the other people who forget, like me, that we as LGBTAQI+ people-especially bisexual people, esspecially ace people, especially us trans people, but then again, especially all of us-legally don't have rights beyond just a very basic "workplace discrimination" catchall (and sometimes not even that). We don't have *basic* housing rights, in most cases. We get sneered at, laughed at when/if we complain.

Our families disown us, and we carry on.

Friends drop us after being profiled by the police, and don't return our calls, and we still make dinner for ourselves, run errands, smile at strangers, and pet a cat.

Increasingly, however, the more stories I read, as we're preading awareness of the things that we as LGBT+ people go through, we seem to be facing more of a backlash. And the more I am faced with unsafe housing environments, (including verbal abuse) and not only given no legal protection, but ignored, gaslit, and publicly shamed and humiliated for speaking out against these issues...the more haunted I feel. The harder it's been to fight against the flashbacks and "think positively" (whatever that means).

Increasingly, I feel like crying every time someone gives me a hug. I seriously feel like I would crumble the next time. I feel like I'm holding back tears every time I see people interacting happily, because I get the impression they don't cry themselves to sleep at night, they don't worry, increasingly, if the next microaggression from an ignorant cishet person will cause us to lose our housing, our employment, our reputation..and we'll be told it's "our fault", for being the way that we are, if not outright, then covertly.

I didn't want to say this, but I'm losing hope, I guess is what I'm saying here. I got yelled at for simply watching She-Ra & The Princesses of Power where I live the other day, after trying my darndest to self-soothe when someone on TV had similar triggers as me. I was yelled at for picking up my blockers (which I need to have, to cause me to, if not *want* to live, then at least not want to die), because I'm on an inconsistent "blackout" at this SLE. They said it would be a week. They lied.

Scrutinised when I speak up, and increasingly having limited rights in any so-called "recovery" environment. At this point, if you're not helping us, you're hurting us. If you claim my existence is "political", then please remove yourself from my life (when I am not absolutely forced to talk to you).

I'm tired. I'm tired of being a burden. I don't even have any girlfriends (I'm transfeminine) to talk to, because I was forced to live in a house full of men-even after I explained I have trauma from men.

I literally called four "helplines" I found online from desperation, several times yesterday, and was told that they were "assisting other callers". I keep trying my best to find a counselor and I keep either getting turned away or at least no called back.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of being "strong". I wish I had a childhood that I could remember, but even beyond that, I would settle for giving myself that now that I'm older..except I know that I can't even do that right now. I feel like I've let myself down. I feel like (and this breaks my heart to say), it was silly to dream.

It matters. Can you hear me? I am holding your hands and telling you it matters because you matter