After Shoving Hansel In The Oven, The Witch Turns To Gretel - Who Is Currently Fending The Witch Off

After shoving Hansel in the oven, the witch turns to Gretel - who is currently fending the witch off with a gingerbread chair - and says:

“I can’t believe you thought a trail of breadcrumbs would save you. I mean, honestly, this is a forest! It’s full of animals. Honestly, the very idea that a dumb shit like you thought you could get the better of me is absurd.”

Gretel hits her in the face with said chair. To be fair to the witch, she takes the chairshot like a champ.

“Ow!”

“Did you know,” says Gretel, “that crows are capable of facial recognition?”

“Eh?” Says the witch, clambering to her feet and pulling a candy cane sledgehammer off the wall. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Not only that,” Gretel continues, “but they can remember both friends and enemies. And they’ll often follow people they remember as friends.”

The two fence with their sugared weapons for a moment, before the witch knocks the chair out of Gretel’s hands.

“Enough with the bird facts! Honestly, this whole attempted escape has been utter clownshoes. Get in the fucking oven!”

She seizes Gretel by the collar. Gretel immediately sandbags, letting her whole body go limp. This eminently practical defense forces the witch to try and deadlift her. Which is hard, as the witch often skips leg day.

“For example,” Gretel says, as the witch struggles and grunts, “if you feed crows a lot of breadcrumbs, they’ll probably start to see you as a friend and follow you in the hope of more food.”

The witch stops. Outside, she hears the thunder of wings.

“They’ll even bring you shiny things they find as presents!” Says Gretel, as a corner of the gingerbread ceiling is suddenly cut away by a large crow with a knife in its mouth.

“Oh shitballs.” Says the witch, as the crows descend. “I hope you know this is a great unkindness.”

“Technically,” Says Gretel, “It’s a murder.”

More Posts from Jjgaut and Others

1 year ago

I’m sorry friends, but “just google it” is no longer viable advice. What are we even telling people to do anymore, go try to google useful info and the first three pages are just ads for products that might be the exact opposite of what the person is trying to find but The Algorithm thinks the words are related enough? And if it’s not ads it’s just sponsored websites filled with listicles, just pages and pages of “TOP FIFTEEN [thing you googled] IMAGINED AS DISNEY PRINCESSES” like… what are we even doing anymore, google? I can no longer use you as shorthand for people doing real and actual helpful research on their own.

1 year ago
A right-wing meme featuring a picture of Donald Trump. The text meme has been edited with modified text, so it now reads, "Everything was so much fucking worse under Trump // I'm Canadian but I cried tears of joy when Trump lost the election on Destiel Canon Day. Do not fucking 'boycott' voting, that's not how democracy works. There's not going to be a glorious revolution or societal collapse. You have to vote. Please fucking vote. Voting is damage control in your fucked up two party system. If you are American you need to vote!!!"

please fucking vote

2 years ago

Okay so I'm just going to put this out there: y'all really need to learn what a President can and cannot do.

A President is NOT a dictator. They cannot do just whatever they want, whenever they want. This is a good thing.

A President can only codify a law IF IT IS PASSED BY CONGRESS FIRST.

Biden literally cannot do anything other than urge people do the right thing until a resolution passes Congress.

Since partway through Clinton's term Congress has been doing less and less every year because of shitty political maneuvering.

Please get mad at the right people. Yell at your Congress person. Vote in midterms to solidify a Democratic house and help turn the Senate (don't at me about the Senate right now--two "Democratic" senators are really Republicans and we all know it).

Don't even try to tell me voting doesn't work. How do you think we got a 6-3 majority in the SC? Because Republicans have been systematically showing up to every local and state election for over 30 years and now they have majority control of 26 states. They have control in the majority of state judicial branches. They showed up to the boring, uncool elections. They control city councils. They control state governments. And Democrats/third party could, too...if people show up to vote. But voting numbers don't lie. And we don't.

Get involved in grassroot organizations to increase voting registration and access. Stacy Abrams helped GA vote blue in the last Presidential election because she and her organizers got people to the polls. AL a while back got a Democratic senator for 2 years because we got people to vote. Republican politicians openly discuss the fact they only have the support of 30% of the country. But only that 30% consistently turns out to the polls. They have also openly said that they spread the word voting doesn't work so they can keep winning. When you say voting doesn't work you are spreading Republican propaganda.

9 years ago

The Doctor (Capaldi), James Bond (Connery), and Mark Watney.

I don’t know what hands I’d feel safer in.

I’m Facing The Apocalypse With The Rock, Ezio Auditore, And Darrell Hammond. I’ll Take It.

I’m facing the apocalypse with The Rock, Ezio Auditore, and Darrell Hammond. I’ll take it.

You?

2 years ago
A Tree Trunk Throne In Kendall, England.

A tree trunk throne in Kendall, England.

1 year ago
In a shock statement, Bill Willingham - the creator of beloved comic series #Fables - has released the franchise into the public domain. As the new owner, you have the rights to create Fables and #WolfAmongUs movies, cartoons, books, and more. https://t.co/fGPcbgcmYa

— Screen Rant (@screenrant) September 14, 2023

HOLY SHIT WHAT???

6 years ago

my s/o is cute and talented rb if ur s/o is cute and talented

7 years ago
Tomb Raider [2018]
Say what you will about the previous Tomb Raider films, but they made a brilliant casting choice in Angelina Jolie. Already a great, Aca...

Alicia Vikander kicks ass in a Tomb Raider movie that fails to kick ass. Deja vu.

10 years ago

Luke and I were looking at Hieronymus Bosch’s painting The Garden of Earthly Delights and discovered, much to our amusement, music written upon the posterior of one of the many tortured denizens of the rightmost panel of the painting which is intended to represent Hell. I decided to transcribe it into modern notation, assuming the second line of the staff is C, as is common for chants of this era.

so yes this is LITERALLY the 600-years-old butt song from hell

10 years ago

My review of Kill the Moon, in which, to the surprise of a disturbing number of characters, there is gravity on the moon.


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jjgaut - Forever a Madman
Forever a Madman

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