Splinter My Dream Into A Web Of Cracks And Gaps.

I seldom love those I admire. What is there to hold in the greats? Achievement sits on the shelf while a lover rests under my bed covers, I cannot converse with trophies though their gold sheens are beautiful, they are empty things. I need a mess, I need something to fill my aching hands so full I could never hope to grasp it all. Keep me busy, keep me warm. That is all I ask of the one I love.

How on earth did you find me?

Oh sweet siren, every inch of water you touch tastes of sugar. I couldn’t lose you if I tried.

Well you ought to at least try.

Bite your tongue lass.

Or what?

Or I’ll do it for you.

Rotten sailor. I’ve no desire to play with you anymore. Leave me be.

How can you lure me off my ship and not even finish me? What am I to do now, drown?

You’d better not. I’d snap your neck myself and let the ocean have you but she retches at the taste of pork.

I’m no pig you finned whore!

Then why’s your nose look like that? Go to shore and dry off before your wife finds you wet, piglet.

—Diary of a Siren

It’s easier to make fun of something than to try it in earnest. How many non-artists laugh at novices, and fear to even look at their instrument, dull pencils neglected in their drawers yearning really for paper.

You killed my chicken.

Your digital chicken. It’s a game Heather.

You killed my chicken. And didn’t apologize.

It wasn’t on purpose.

You didn’t apologize.

It’s not a real chicken.

You didn’t apologize.

I’m not apologizing for killing a fake chicken in a fake world. It’s not real babe. It’s just a game, please stop acting crazy.

Don’t call me babe when you don’t care about my feelings. You killed my pet in the game and didn’t say sorry. Even when I’ve expressed it so openly that this matters to me.

It shouldn’t! That’s the whole point. This should not be a big deal it’s pixels on a screen!

You’re being disrespectful.

You’re being insane! Get over the bloody chicken!

I’m done.

Thank god.

With us. With this. You don’t take anything that I care about seriously. You’re so above it all.

You’re breaking up with me over a stupid fucking chicken?!?

I’m breaking up with you because you’re mean. If you killed it and said you were sorry, everything would be fine. You choose to act like a dickhead over so many little things like this and I’m tired of it. You try to convince me not to care about something instead of caring about it with me.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

This isn’t the first time you’ve done this. Remember the cat puzzle?

Oh how could I forget the stupid cat puzzle.

Even now you get so incredibly upset whenever I’m upset about something. You try to shut me down before I can express I’m unhappy. According to you, I’m not unhappy, I’m just crazy for no reason!

You said it, not me.

Oh, goodbye Dereck. Goodbye.

This won’t bring the chicken back! You’re such an idiot.

Right.

I know not what to say to her, her wide eyes eat up my thoughts as the sun does water; my head is entranced in cloud when I am with her. Siren on the rocks, I wish only for rainfall so that my skin feels as yours does.

-Diary of a siren

There are versions of me you’ve never met. I carry so much hatred you never see. It’s like an ornate blade, you could mistake it’s hilt for jewelry on my neck. But it’s there, in the slit where words come out, to silence any iteration of me that could offend you. Any glimpse of a possibility that I could hurt you, I instead hurt myself. I’d suppress and push down and erase and lie a thousand times over if it meant you were pristine. If you could leave this world untarnished on my filth, leave me filthy. Leave me nothing but your memory.

I can’t have children, I’d have too much love for them. I’d bring them up scared of the world like I am. Scared of nothing and everything at the same time.

I will make up for lost time.

I will make up for lost time.

I will make up for lost time.

I will make up for lost time.

I will make up for lost time.

I will make up for lost time.

I will make up for lost time.

Smaller hearts beat faster, ever faster. Run rabbit run ever faster, ever faster. I’ll cut your finger cut your thumb, wear a plaster, wear a plaster. I’ll tell your secrets to the room, such disaster, such disaster.

Forgive me gentle heart, I didn’t mean to be a bastard.

Everything is fine.

Do you actually believe that or do you just want to believe it?

Is there a difference?