Jdbeckmanwriting - JDBeckmanWrites

One year since the finale

"You have no more blame in this than I" by greggiana on tiktok / 1,2,3,4,7,9 art by iidalus ctommy / 5,6 art by birdiebrunch / 8 art by mal-a-l-aise

Ancient stone tablet

Believed to portray a map of the world and a conflict Between dinosaurs and humans, inscriptions unreadable.

Age:4000-4500years (before the shatter)

The punchline of it all is that your fave was, in fact, problematic--not least because we are all bumbling fools navigating being alive in an ever-new world we're experiencing for the first and only time.

And the thing is, Your Fave was given a giant megaphone for some reason, which means when Your Fave bumbles foolishly through the world, they do so VERY LOUDLY and their inevitable mistakes are EAR-SPLITTING.

A Lovejoy Song is a Little Black Dress

Lovejoy’s lyrics are dense, with very few throw-away lines. Will Gold never just takes an easy ride on a metaphor.  (No shade to metaphors.) It seems he doesn’t write songs, he gives birth to them, and it must be exhausting. 

As a collection, the songs cover just about every possible relationship stumble a floundering person can experience.  There are bouts of hubris, self-loathing, envy, self-confidence, insecurity, and half a dozen other feelings. There is something relatable and personal for everyone.  Listen to the words -- these are songs you sing, not songs you hum -- and you will find something that describes your experience. Someone knows what you have been through and figured out how to express it. If a line doesn’t fit, just wait two bars and try on the next one.  These poems work for everyone. 

And then there’s the constant swapping of perspective.  Will oscillates between first and third person. He talks to her, about her, to him, about him, to him about her, and about himself from the outside and the inside.  In the same song.  At first it drove me nuts. It made me work a little to follow the narratives, flipping the lyrics on their head to make them work.  The narratives are compelling enough to make it worth the effort.  But then I came to love it. 

I love the POV shifting for the versatility it permits. No matter your gender or who you are pining for, there is a verse that speaks directly to you. Despite the straightness of the overall theme, Relationship Misadventures of a Cis-Het Man, there are countless opportunities for queer interpretations if the lyrics are taken in pieces. Gay men (and straight and lesbian slash enthusiasts) get to hear Wilbur Soot sing he or him, if only for a verse. He sings about liking and not liking new boyfriends and girlfriends…Is his ex dating a girl now? Is the ex a boy or a girl? Whose girlfriend is she? Are you jealous of him or of her? Who were you in the back seat of the car with?!? Anyone you want it to be.  These work for men, women, straight, gay, and my favorite, heteroflexible. Sure, we know what he meant. But choose your own adventure.  

A Lovejoy song is a Little Black Dress. Versatile. Sexy. Always appropriate. Now go put it on.

Above image is a pride flag with every color band represented by a NASA image. White is Earth clouds, pink is aurora, blue is the Sun in a specific wavelength, brown is Jupiter clouds, black is the Hubble deep field, red is the top of sprites, orange is a Mars crater, yellow is the surface of Io, green is a lake with algae, blue is Neptune, and purple is the Crab Nebula in a specific wavelength.

Rehnfolgen: a Fertility Festival celebrated through the Avarice Empire

The purpose of the holiday is to mimic a folkloric legend of a fey princess 3 clans warred over in ancient history in hopes she will bless their livestock and women, encouraging frequent breeding and general fertility.

**TW for weird dubious consent stuff. This is a fantasy empire in a fictional world that hasn't quite learned to drink the 'respect women' juice yet. That's sorta the point of the book I'm writing.

3 days prior to the selection party, men put their names in hats and are divided into 3 teams or 'hunting parties'. Women who are participating will then play a game of musical chairs where the winner is named 'Champions Quarr'y.' The game is meant to be random chance, but is commonly rigged so that if one of the women is recently engaged, in courtship with a man dragging his feet, or has a man present who needs a 'push' to pursue her, then she will likely be the one to win. Most participants would argue that this is for the good of the couple, but in reality, it has more to do with the other gentlemen's amusement. Over the next 3 days, the teams will strategize on and prepare the location that will be their encampment.

The night of Rhenfolgen, the women will gather at a local bath house to 'prepare the feast' using bath salts, poultices, perfumes, and powders infused and scented with herbs and fruits. She is then painted in a glaze of honey, berries, and citrus juices. She will then be dressed in nothing but flowers and leaves, with thin clothes over the breasts and nether regions for modesty. They will then lead her into the forest and to a lake where a small row boat will be waiting. The Sovran of Merriment will lead her into the boat, tie her wrists together with soft loose ribbons, and take her out over the river to a nearby island.

He will hide her somewhere on the island in a bed of flowers and leaves, then blow the horn to signal the beginning of the hunt. The goal of the hunt is to find your quarry before dawn, bring her back to your encampment, and then defend her from the other teams trying to steal her. The only 'weapons' allowed are colorful smoke bombs, children's bows tipped with soft cotton tips doused in colorful powders, and decorative hard paper swords, (Fireworks are not technically allowed but somehow always make their way into the festivities).

At dawn, the team leader in possession of the Champions Quarry is declared king of the hunt. The losing teams will gather at the winning teams encampment to celebrate their win. The losing teams are required to prepare and serve the feast. At the center of the feast, the chosen lady will be laid in a bed of fresh fruits. The rest of the day is filled with singing, dancing, bonfires, and lots of sexy shenanigans. Most notable of these is the men stripping themselves naked running through the encampment and around the fire slapping women with giant roast chicken drumsticks.

Near the end of the night, the men and women will gather in two lines, each holding a ribbon for the 'dance of wolves'. Men will dress themselves in furs and women in loose white knee-length dresses, colorful sashes, and flower crowns with small wood carved deer antlers. The goal is to unknot and separate the ribbons.

The men will then chase the women on the other end of his ribbon into the woods. Once caught, he will use the ribbon to tie her arms above her head and…make good on the holiday's purpose. While this is happening, the 'king of the hunt' will take his hard-won quarry to the champions tent. For the sake of decency, we will not elaborate further.

May 10 - A Cathedral in France

The Avignon Cathedral is a looming stone building that stood beside The Palaise de Paipes, translated in english to The Palace of Popes. Atop the cathedrals bell tower is a looming statue of the Virgin Mary. Staring down at the city, it is near impossible to hide yourself from her judgemental gaze...

I have a complicated relationship with religion. I believe in a higher power, I think, but more out of a need for comfort than any real kind of conviction. The challenge, though, wasn't in a disbelief of christianities' most basic teaching, but in the way those teaching were presented by many of its followers. I could meander here for ages, but since Jesus is not the focus of this entry, let me attempt to instead be concise. A central tenant in Christianity is the idea that Jesus died on the cross so that God would forgive our sins. The belief that anyone is capable of redemption and forgiveness is at the center of the faith. While my religion. is used by many to do the opposite of this, I've always been able to consider my christian background with pride because of this.

The cathedral we're standing now in was built in the 12th century. How many people do you suppose walked across these stone floors or knelt before the Lord in this same sanctuary and prayed for their salvation? What sort of things do you suppose they prayed for? Earlier today, I and a dozen other 20 somethings were sat by a french pub in a gorgeous public square getting absolutely plastered on wine and beer...

Those 12th century siners probably would have had a number of thoughts about that behavior. But, I digress.

I've been thinking about this moment and the idea of forgiveness a lot recently. I follow the band Lovejoy and their lead singer Will Gold, know better by his internet screen name Wilbur Soot. For those not chronically online and unaware of the controversy that's been tied to that name recently, Will Gold was accused of Domestic Abuse by his Ex Girlfriend Shelby Sulick, better know as Shelby 'Shubble' Grace. For the purposes of this entry, we will not be diving into the details of those accusations. Google it if you're curious or venture forth to Twitter if you're feeling very brave and patient.

No, the question I keep coming to and that brought me back to this century old place of worship was the question of change and growth. There's a quote for a show called Bockjack Horseman that surmizes my thoughts fairly well, "There's no such thing as 'bad guys' or 'good guys' We're all just... guys, who do good stuff sometimes and bad stuff sometimes. And all we can do is try to do less bad stuff and more good stuff, but you're never going to be good because you're not bad." I've noticed a trend in social media discourse in the last decade of people picking up 'buzzword' and using them without taking the time to research what those terms fully mean. It popped up around the same point as clickbaiting. I hate both trends equally.

Popular examples such as narcicist, gaslighting, and triggered are some of my favorite overused and misunderstood psychology terms at the moment. The example that bothers me most is the use of Narcicist and Narcicistic abuse. Narcicistic Personality Disorder is a diagnosable mental disorder that can be diagnosed and addressed with a professional Psychologist and medications. Not all people with NPD are abusers, and the use of NPD in Pop Psychology further pushes this idea that all people with NPD are dangerous individuals. This mindset also seems to push the idea that those who perpetuate abuse are incapable of change. Narcicistic Abuse is NOT a clinical diagnosis identified by the Diagnostic Statistic Manual (DSM) or the American Psychology Association (APA).

Psychology does not agree with the idea that abusers cannot improve and that 'toxic' behavior cannot be corrected. The Center for Prevention of Abuse gives a list of examples on their website explaining signs that a perpetrator is willing to improve as well as steps that you as a friend can take to help a friend with abusive tendencies. Heidi Preibe, a popular relationship youtuber open with her process of self growth, goes into detail on the steps she took herself to work toward paracticing better mindfulness and self awareness.

The central premis seems to be this: work to be aware of the behaviours you desplay that hurt others, observe the situations that trigger you to act in a harmful way, and set boundaries for yourself that push you to walk away and seek help from friends and a professional when you find yourself in those situations. If these are topics you're interested in, I would highly consider starting with Heidi's video linked below and going from there. Everyone displays toxic or narcicistic traits in their lifetime. Left unchecked, they can easily enter the realm of emotionally abusive. If you see this post and your response is 'I'm not toxic or abusive EVER. Sunshine pours out of my ass at all times.' Then you're probably the toxic pick this is directed at.

Singing in a space as old and as active as this is an experience unlike anything you will ever experience. As the sound of your voice echoes off the stone walls it will quite literally surround anyone present in that space. In choral music there is a phenomenon caused when a choir is in in perfect harmony: Overtones. These are very high echoing tones that ring in the space around you. When I imagine the sounds of angels speaking, I like to imagine they sound a bit like that. Those notes will only appear if ever singer is in tune and is completely in sink with one another. As always, communication and understanding among the vocalists is key. If your a 12th century farming begging the lordes forgiveness in a place as holy as this, I could see how a moment like that might leave an impact.

But now, it's time to turn the page to another snapshot of another moment in time. Perhaps we'll come back to this idea though. But that is for another time.

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Adendum - This post is in no way meant to suggest or imply abusive behaviour by eaither party mentioned above. All we have at this moment are statements and I will not be giving a full definitive answer om what I believe happened here until more information has come forward from both parties. This is merely a discussion on forgiveness and personal growth with links to helpful sources. It is also not meant to suggest that you should stay with an abusive partner in the hope they will change. That is a personal devision based on situation and should be discussed with friends and, if possible, a psychologist. Most sources agree that change in an abusive individual is only possible if/when the partner has left and forced them to leave.

If folks are absolutely desperate for my personal breakdown and speculations on the situation the I will address that at that time. If you go into my notes and leave disrespectul comments I will delete your comment and block you from this page.

Sources -

https://youtu.be/moynQi7qT08?si=baTzLjWTkOl4n8hI

https://www.centerforpreventionofabuse.org/i-need-help-for-someone-else/helping-abusers/

https://lundybancroft.com/

https://youtu.be/Nrx_dXx3WUQ?si=-5aSzDedf_QejWBV

I finally made the meme I've had in my head for over a year

Day #916 of David Tennant as a Fennec Fox 🦊 @neil-gaiman

I hope Wilbur is having a good day and that he gets to spend time with all the animals