James: *sighs*

Doubt

HEADCANON:

Despite how much of his heart and soul he puts into it, James has so many doubts about himself being a father. His own father had always been a great example, and that was never in question, but he's seen first had what shitty parenting can do to a child. The first time Sirius had openly talked about his parents, something about it, - not just a hatred for how they treated Sirius, their son, but a sense of unrest that came with knowing people could just be like that to their children and be perfectly content with it, - just never sat right with him.

When he and Lily found out she was pregnant, the first thing he felt, above all else, was euphoria. Pure, complete happiness. But the doubt crept in, and the fear, and even when Harry had arrived, and he was set in James' arms in a little bundle of soft blankets, James couldn't deny that haunting doubt that loomed in the back of his mind.

He always wanted to be a good father. The only thing standing in his way was his own insecurities, doubts and fears.

« Padfoot follows Moony absolutely everywhere »

James

Wine

It's their first night living alone.

The flat is tiny, with a balcony, and a double bed, pushed up under the window. The kitchen is just barely big enough for the two of them, but they've been graduates now for three whole months, and summer is ending. As enjoyable as it had been to spend the warmer days wrapped up in the comfort of his own bedroom in the estate, something in James longs for more. He's nineteen, now, the excitement of being an independent adult buzzing at his fingertips. He starts Auror training in a few weeks, and then..

There's no Hogwarts to go back to, in September. No more sharing a dorm with his best friends, or sharing a common room with a whole quarter of the school population. He's gone from being surrounded by hundreds of students on a regular basis, to this.

If James is being honest, he prefers this.

This, is a life with Lily. This, is a home, their own, built together. He hadn't hesitated to ask, and she hadn't hesitated to say yes, just as eager as he had been to catch up on the time they had lost. It's abundant, now. There's still boxes to unpack. A life to start, together. They're just shy of a year into officially being a couple, and still, every day, he wakes up happier than before.

And it's all thanks to Lily.

There's a bright grin on his lips when he opens the cheap bottle of wine, pouring it out into two wine glasses. Clear crystal, the most expensive thing in the flat, and a moving out gift from his parents. The wine is blood red, sharp and sweet, and James carries the two glasses over to where she's perched on the couch, curled up, content, like there's nowhere else she'd rather be.

She smiles at him, just as happy as he is.

There's nowhere else he'd rather be.

I solemnly swear that I’m up to no good.

“You have me. Until ever last star in the galaxy dies. You have me.”

— Amie Kaufman

nighttimestorrm​:

He was real.

That was the first thought that he had when James pulled him in for a hug. Instantly he wrapped his arms around his friend and clung onto him, hands grasping onto his shirt as though he was afraid he was going to just disappear. But right now he was here and he was real. James had always been the one Sirius ran to when things got too hard. He just knew what to do and say to make it seem easier to deal with. Yet, in this situation, he doubted anyone could make it feel better. Afterall, he was mourning for a life that technically hadn’t even happened yet.

“You and me both.” He whispered and managed a laugh as he hugged James tight. Where do you even begin trying to make up for lost time when you never even thought it was a possibility that you would ever see them again? Sirius could never have prepared himself for this.

“It’s been…it’s been a really long time, prongs.” He said and finally let go of James to look at him. He needed to pull himself together. Falling apart wasn’t going to help him figure any of this out. And if this was a second chance they needed to start changing things now. But, selfishly he just wanted to spend time with James and forget everything else.

And he was also just tired.

He knew they had to fight to change everything. Save everyone. But…he had already fought. He had done it once and failed. On more than one occasion. Was it really selfish to just…rest. He felt like it was. Especially when it was his friends lives on the line. But he had been through so much that the thought of doing it again made him feel sick.

What if they couldn’t change anything?

He’d rather stay dead than have to go through Azkaban again.

“What do you remember?” He asked gently. “If you want to talk about it. If not I get it. We don’t need to talk about it just yet.”

--

How long?

He wanted to ask the question, but it caught in his throat, fear strangling him then and there. He didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to try face the idea of Sirius ever having to go on without them, couldn’t, - and while they had all made plans, and written their wills, and came to their agreements and arrangements for the possibility of one of them ever dying, none of them had anticipated a situation like this. How could they?

It was like no magic he’d ever seen. 

Clearly it was something. If Sirius was staring at him like he’d come back from the dead, which he had, and Harry was nowhere to be found, any trace of him gone from the house. The Daily Prophet had confirmed the date, and still, it was a hard pill to swallow. Without any logical reason, something had dragged them all back from the brink of death, - 

And as much as James wanted answers, for a brief moment, he just wanted his brother.

He kept a hand on Sirius’ arm, using his grasp to tug him back over to the door. The back garden was cloaked, at least, not only in trees and greenery, but in enchantments that had been cast on the house for centuries. Ways to keep muggles out, and keep the magic in. It offered them some peace of mind, knowing they could live their lives without second guessing any peeping neighbors or passers by, and James was grateful for it as they took a seat on the back step, using his wand to light up a second cigarette. He passed it to Sirius, certain it wouldn’t be refused, and lit up another for himself.

What did he remember?

“.. you know what I know,” he admitted finally, staring out at the garden, noticing the tiny details of how much time had reversed. “He knew where to find us. And he did."

His mouth twisted up, fighting a pained frown, and James stayed quiet for a beat. He let out a breath, heavy, and shaking. The reason hung in the air between them, Peter’s name bitter on his tongue. 

“Lily didn’t get away in time. I tried to give her a headstart, to get out, but I - I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop him. And we - we don’t know what happened to the baby, but, -”

He’s not here. He’s not here. He’s not here.

“.. it’s like we never had him at all, Pads. The nursery’s gone, the food, the pictures, his things. They’ve disappeared. The house is full of - fucking boxes, like we just moved in a week ago.” He shook his head as he said it, almost in disbelief. James lifted a hand to rub at his eyes, fighting back the tears. “None of it makes any sense.”

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