"she Wasn't Your Person, Your Person Is Still Out There And You'll Find Her When You Least Expect It"

i want to melt into this bed and be stuffed with rocks until im all filled up so i cant be awoken and my soul drifts off my body and takes part in my day to day experiences and i am left to soak in my sweat and sleep forever

happy first day of spring!!! snufkin returns to moominvalley today 🌸🌿

back home

Im terrified of losing people and I cling hard because I know ill always be the one who will grieve more i will be the one who misses and yearns for years i will be the one who will never forget

The last girl I kissed sent me this photo she is so sweet I can’t wait until she comes back from the sea I miss her more than I have let on

ohhhh i get it now. the little seed of loneliness i’ve carried with me since i was five will never go away

sometimes, i see myself as one with the ocean. i think it's foolish, i think it's selfish, i think it's outlandish for a human being to even think about comparing themselves to a celestial being as inexplicable as the sea. i think, i've spent too much time with myself tonight, how can i compare myself to the ocean when i don't understand myself? comparisons deserve explanations, they deserve examples, they should have a structure, but when has the ocean had any of this? you see, the ocean has zones. the sunlight zone, the twilight zone, the midnight zone, the abyssal zone, and the hadal zone. the deeper we dive, the less we see. in fact, we can't even dive that deep. even then, most creatures are not capable of surviving in water that deep as the water pressure is incomprehensible, so it's mostly empty. i think about this and i think, oh, that is me. the deeper you get, the harder it is to hold people in, the harder it is that i don't destroy them within milliseconds. the deeper it is, the more mystery there lies, when in reality, the mystery is just emptiness. it's that incomprehensible feeling of utter emptiness that surrounds your stomach and makes it ache in ways that cannot be shown to other people so you surround it with the pressure that can crush people and creatures that are see-through and weirdly surviving because trauma can be repressed but some part of it aches to to be remembered and perceived like some sort of fish that looks like a blob or a megalodon that is a folktale. it doesn't matter. the ocean doesn't want you to explore its depths, if it did, it wouldn't have made it impossible to survive down there if you're not its secret little creatures. the ocean wants you to stay out, i want you to stay out

i want to say that i feel empty all the time and its true. its like those small moments where i have to pause in whats happening and just think about if i feel anything right then, and i dont. it feels hollow and fake, i feel hollow and fake. i read things to make myself cry and it reminds me more how theres nothing inside and i dont know how to fix that. i dont necessarily wish to die but i do wish to feel something or just disappear if its not possible. everything feels fake and metal and unattainable. i just wish i felt something other than everything st once or just anger

Aya Takano, hot banana fudge (2000)