Thanks For Everything, Kepner

Thanks for everything, Kepner

You didn’t have it all together when you first came on the scene. You weren’t really sure what your exact purpose was, but you knew you had one. It was so easy to see you had a heart of gold and while you were a bit idealistic for my usual tastes - you were genuine. I liked that. 

I watched you struggle, make mistakes, and fail. I saw you get knocked down more times than I can count, but I also saw how many times you got back up. People didn’t make it easy for you. It was a little too easy to pick on you and pick on you they did. You were the butt of many jokes, but you took it right in stride and kept your eye on what you wanted. You knew who April Kepner was and that is all that mattered. 

I watched you fall in love with your best friend. I watched you change a young man who could have taken a very different path without your influence. It was so frustrating that you couldn’t see yourself the way he saw you. It was even more frustrating to see you make the wrong choice when the right one was in front of you. You were finally coming into your own professionally and I wanted to scream that you couldn’t seem to get it together personally. 

I watched someone who had always been so calculated and cautious throw it all to the wind and take a risk. I watched her finally follow her heart. You married your best friend and were the happiest you’d ever been. The kind of happiness that is palpable. Yeah, it was crazy but that’s what made it all the more wonderful. 

I watched you struggle through the early days of marriage. Learning to live together, learning to share finances, learning to navigate the differences in beliefs, and the Mother-in-law. Oh, the Mother-in-law. I sat in my living room with my jaw on the floor the night you very abruptly announced you were pregnant. I was so happy watching you prepare for the addition to your family. This person who had struggled so much in the beginning had finally come into her own. Trauma surgeon, wife, and very soon….Mom. 

I cried as you were given the worst news possible. I sat there shocked as you made the hardest, most selfless decision a person could possibly make. I sobbed as you struggled with the decision and gave birth to your baby boy. My heart was broken as you let him go. 

I watched you struggle in the aftermath of losing him. I watched you push everyone and everything away. For someone who had been knocked down time after time and gotten back up - this was bigger than all of that. You couldn’t find solid ground and you did what you had to do to survive.

I watched as you discovered that sometimes the hurt is simply too great, but that second chances were possible. I was equal parts horrified and elated to watch your baby girl come into the world. I was so certain she would be the road back. Things didn’t go quite as I’d hoped or even liked, but you made it. At the end of this wild ride, you made it. From the highest of highs to the lowest of lows, you made it. 

In a world full of Merediths, I thank you for teaching us it was ok to be an April. It was ok to march to the beat of our own drum. It was ok to fall down sometimes just as long as we got back up. It was ok to make mistakes. It was ok for life to be a mess. It was ok to stand for what we believe in even if it’s not the popular thing. It was ok to not be ok. It was ok to be ourselves.

So, at the end of her 9 year journey, I simply want to say thanks for everything. I laughed, I cried, I grieved, and I celebrated while watching the crazy, wonderful, messy, beautiful life that was April Kepner.