MY HEART😭😭😭😭

Forgive Me

“Mother? Is that you?” Alexander says, his throat constricting as heavy tears begin to form in his eyes.

Her dress sways in the wind, its yellow color a bit faded yet no less beautiful. Was this it? Has she returned?

She looks just like he remembered, the same light brown hair, the same comforting eyes, the same dress that always seemed ill fit in her later years and the same warm smile.

He feels moisture on his cheeks but he can’t find the will to wipe them away. Alexander runs, happiness bubbling up in his chest as his mother stands there, still smiling.

The embrace would have toppled any man, though Rachel takes the blow gracefully, patting Alexanders back softly, pressing a soft kiss to his hair. Alexander chokes, a loud sob being muffled by her dress. He tries to hold back, determined not to make his mothers first impression of him after so long to be this sniveling pathetic man, but he can’t. He let’s go, admitting to himself that he will always be his mothers child, even if he a grown man.

“Mama you’re here,“ he sobs, gripping the fabric of her dress tightly, as if were he to let go the illusion would end, and she would disappear once more, “I mi-“

She holds up a finger, silencing his babbling. She takes a step back and points to down to something, wanting him to see.

In her arms is a bundle of white tulips, tied together with black sheer ribbon. Alexander looks at her in confusion, tear tracks marking his cheeks.

Plucking one from the bunch, she pushes the flower into Alexanders limp hands, working his fingers to grip the flower in his fists. He holds up the flower, giving it a sniff. The smell is bittersweet, oddly not what he expected.

He lets the tulip go, letting the soft grass cushion the delicate flower. Turning to his mother once again, he smiles and takes a step forward.

Rachel takes a step back.

His eyebrows furrow and Rachel gives him a sad smile. She turns, walking in the opposite direction.

After a few moments of disbelief, he gains his bearings and chases after her as fast as he can, “Wait! Mama!”

With every stride he takes she seems to take ten more and gets farther and farther away; causing Alex to push himself harder, although his muscles burn from the effort.

Her yellow dress slowly fades from his field of view, leaving him alone in the swaying grass.

Abandoned once more.

He drops to his knees and stares blankly at the sky, suddenly hating how bright it be. It reminds him of when he had followed his mother to the market once, whining about his brother being able to go but not him. Back then he didint know the reason for why he couldn’t go, though now, after having a child of his own he knows exactly why. Fear.

Because even women like his mother, strong and resilient as she was, had but one weakness. Her children.

After being on his best behavior for a few days and just a bit of pleading, she reluctantly let him go with her, though she had one rule; “Stay by my side at all times,“

He had been so excited, looking to all the vendors in awe, gazing at the merchandise that he knew they couldn’t afford with restrained longing. Because he knew his mother was watching, and he knew a little bit of her died inside every time it felt as though she couldn’t provide. So Alexander tore his gaze away, even if he wanted nothing more than to only observe.

Something had caught his eye, a book, it’s leather binding so enticing for a young boy like him, starved for knowledge.

It had been a moment that he looked away, he swore it was. Yet when he turned around, his mother was gone, swallowed by the circling crowd.

He looked to the right, then to the left, but he couldn’t see her. All the shades of brown were too dark, too light, too not his mother.

Panic began to set in, the same panic he felt when his father had gone for a trip that lasted for longer than he said it would. The same panic he felt when his mother broke it to him that he would not be coming back. Mama wouldn’t leave him, would she?

…..

But Papa did.

He began running through the streets, ignoring the disgusted grunts of people he bumped into as he ran. His legs burned, the hot sun beating in his back felt too strong and the sweat on his back felt so disgusting he wanted to vomit. Where are you? Where are you?

He tripped on a stone, tumbling to the ground face first. Alexander cried out, yelping at the impact.

Laying there, covered in dirt Alexander felt an emotion he hadn’t felt before. Defeat.

Tears began to slip down his cheeks and he curled into a ball, making himself as small as possible.

Alexander had never felt more alone.

He feels that sense of defeat now, once again that sniveling, malnourished and unwanted child. What now?

A few tears drip onto the grass, feeding the ground with his sorrow. Mama left him.

Just like Papa.

Alexander holds his face in his hands, surveying the plain blankly. A gentle gust of wind tousles his hair, cooling him. At the very least he is not at that marketplace.

Thump

Alexander turns his head into the direction of the sound, wondering what could have disrupted this place in its tranquility. His eyes widen at the sight of a white tulip innocently sitting amongst the grass.

He picks it up, surveying the worse for wear petals. Giving it a whiff, it smells less bitter this time, almost reminiscent of perfume. Perfume that his mothe-

Oh.

He almost missed that part.

As he was sitting in the dirt, planning his life as an orphan he felt a nudge on his shoulder; gentle, yet panicked at the same time.

He looked up, seeing the light brown hair, and soft smile and faded yellow dress.

”Mama-?”

”You scared me half to death!” Rachel exclaimed, tugging him close to her chest, “I turn away for one second and you disappear in an instant!”

After a moment of shock, Alexander tears up, his face wrinkling as he begins to cry in relief, “I’m sorry, Mama.”

Rachels eyes widen, and she sets her basket aside, patting his head lovingly, holding him close, ”Shhh…I know, I know. It’s going to be alright…”

Alexander smiles, feeling a warm embrace from behind him. He was so foolish, Mama would never leave him. She wasn’t like Papa.

He turns around, expecting his mothers face. But his face falls.

It is not his mothers face that he sees, not the light brown hair or warm smile or slightly yellowed dress, but instead blond hair, nightclothes and remorseful blue eyes.

The room is dark, no longer the plains he was in before. Mama?

“Alexander, I am sorry my love, she’s gone,“ John says, wrapping his arms around him protectively, “She’s never coming back, no matter how much you wish her to,”

”No but…Mama would never leave,“ Alexander mutters under his breath, confused at his surroundings, “I still…”

”I know,“ John says, holding Alexander as the realization begins to sink in.

”I want her back as well.”

More information for @thereallvrb0y

its been a while but i had to do all the Laurens siblings and also my life fell apart (/lh) so here we go

Rachel Faucette

*disclaimer* I can’t find a source I really trust on this, so I’m using Chernow’s biography for convenience’s sake. Here is one source that appears to be informational, but I haven’t had time to develop an opinion on it

So Rachel was born around 1729 in St. George Parish. There’s not a lot of information on her, so a lot is either unsure, speculated, or debated. For example, she was possibly part black, but there’s no definitive evidence for this. She was also described as being “bright, beautiful, and strong willed,” as well as, “a woman of superior intellect, elevated sentiment, and unusual grace of person and manner. For her he [Alexander Hamilton] was indebted for his genius.”

Rachel had six siblings, but five of them died, leaving her only with her sister Ann. They lived in Nevis on a small sugar plantation with at least seven enslaved people. They lived on steep, rocky hills, which from my one singular trip to a hilly place, that must have sucked. In 1737, the island experienced an agricultural plague and drought, which caused a wave of emigration, which included Ann Faucette. She married James Lytton and they moved to St. Croix.

Rachel’s parents had a rocky marriage and they argued a lot. In 1740, they agreed to “live separately and apart for the rest of their lives.” Rachel and her mother possibly moved to St. Kitts and met James Hamilton for the first time. Rachel’s father died in 1745, and she inherited all of his property.

Rachel moved to St. Croix and built an estate outside Christiansted called the Grange, and soon met this bitchass mother fucker, Johann Lavien.

Lavien peddled household goods for a living and aspired to be a pLaNTeR, which was just the white people word for slave holder. He could have possibly been Jewish, but if so, he was not open about it. Alexander Hamilton attended a Hebrew school, so it’s possible that Rachel converted to marry Lavien. Also, Lavien’s son Peter was baptized way later in life, so it’s possible that he converted from Judaism to Christianity after he moved out the Carribean.

So the Carribean was a big international trade center, so a lot of stupid young men with no skills went there to try to become merchants and get rich, but it never worked bc you have to start rich in the 18th century to be rich. Lavien was especially stupid and spent all his money on a plantation and really fancy clothes, like a douche. He probably married Rachel for the money too.

“A Dane, a fortune hunter of the name Lavine, came to Nevis bedizzened with gold and paid his addresses to my mother, then a handsome young woman having a snug fortune.” -Alexander Hamilton (who really didn’t like Lavien)

Rachel’s mother gave Lavien the go-ahead to marry Rachel, but Rachel didn’t really care for him. (”In compliance with the wishes of her mother… but against her own inclination,” according to Alexander). Still, she married Lavien in 1745.

They settled on a plantation called Contentment. Funny. And a year later they had their son, Peter. After five years of Lavien just being annoying and wasting money, Rachel just. left. in 1750.

This really pissed off Lavien, and he set out to humiliate her. (TW for abusive and sexist language, skip the quotes in this paragraph) He said she had “committed such errors which as between husband and wife were indecent and very suspicious,” and she was “shameless, coarse, and ungodly.” He had her arrested in Christiansvaern, and we have another amazing example of the 18th century prison system. Lavien expected this experience to make her submit and “…everything would be better and that she like a true wife would have changed her ungodly mode of life and would live with him as was meet and fitting.” (Tw for mention of torture methods. skip the next paragraph)

It was a highly guarded prison, and torture was practiced pretty regularly. They practiced whipping, branding, castrating, shackling with heavy leg irons and entombing in filthy dungeons.

“Rachel spent several months in a dark, cramped cell that measured ten by thirteen feet, and she must have gone through infernal torments of fear and loneliness. Through a small, deeply inset window, she could stare across sharpened spikes that encircled the outer wall and gaze at the blue-green water that sparkled in the fierce tropical sunlight. She could also eavesdrop on the busy wharf, stacked with hogsheads of sugar… All the while, she had to choke down a nauseating diet of salted herring, codfish, and boiled yellow cornmeal mush.” -Ron Chernow

Obviously, instead of submitting to Lavien, she just left! Because of course she would! What the fuck Johann! However, since men have too much privilege, her leaving caused her the relinquish benefits of a legal separation, and she could never remarry. In 1750, she left for St. Kitts.

We can guarantee that Rachel met James Hamilton in St. Kitts in the early 1750s because the shebanged. They were both dragged down a few steps on the social ladder from where they previously stood (more detail on James in a minute) and overall life sucked asshole.

Because of Rachel’s not-divorce, her and James weren’t able to get married. What KILLS ME is that Hamilton later pretended his parents were married, and said, “My mother afterwards went to St. Kitts, became acquainted with my father and a marriage between them ensued, followed by many years cohabitation and several children.”

This quote is actually pretty important because it says a lot, or it could. Firstly, it implies that they possibly had more children than just the two sons we know of, Alexander and James Jr. Secondly, it coincides with the fact that they presented themselves with Rachel and James Hamilton. However, Alexander did know that they were not legally married (people wouldn’t let him forget), but it shows that he sees their relationship as just as valid without a legal marriage *cough* Laurens *cough*. Anyway, their relationship possibly lasted 15 years, and by all sources it seems decently healthy.

Rachel inherited a property in the capital Charlestown (no relation to South Carolina). She also “inherited” three enslaved servants from her mother, Rebecca, Flora, and Esther, one of which had a son named Ajax who was assigned to Alexander and his brother.

Rachel had her son educated through individual tutoring, and by herself, since she was fluent in French. I’m not sure if James was given the same educational opportunities, but he probably was as the older brother, but Alexander definitely took to them better than his brother.

“…rarely as he alluded to his personal history, he mentioned with a smile his having been taught to repeat the Decalogue in Hebrew, at the school of a Jewess, when so small that he was placed standing by her side upon a table.” -Hamilton’s grandson

Oh did you think Lavien was gone? Think again bitch it’s 1759. (TW for abusive and sexist language, skip quotes in next two paragraphs)

Lavien’s in a lot of debt now, and he had to cede most of his plantation, like a bitch lol. He probably wanted to marry this other chick, so he went to obtain a divorce summons on February 26, 1759. According to that bitch, Rachel “absented herself from [Lavien] for nine years and gone elsewhere, where she has begotten several illegitimate children, so that such action is believed to be more sufficient for him to obtain a divorce from her.” grr this makes me so angry.

Additionally, Lavien said he “had taken care of Rachel’s legitimate child from what little he has been able to earn,” and Rachel had, “completely forgotten her duty and let husband and child alone and instead given herself up to whoring with everyone, which things the plantiff are so well known that her own family and friends must hate her for it.” (sic) And as awful as that is, the last statement is possibly true, because Rachel’s communication with her loved one’s is eh… well, we don’t really know, but she didn’t really have much of a social life after rumors spread.

Rachel didn’t refute the allegations or show up to court, which was really bad for her, because on June 25, Lavien recieved a divorce that permitted him to remarry, but not Rachel.

Things only got worse when James got a business assignment in Christiansted in April 1765, and brought his family to St. Croix. Where Lavien lived. So, Rachel was no longer seen as Mrs. Hamilton, and only known for what Lavien said about her.

And on top of that, James just. Left.

According to Ronny boy, Rachel wasn’t really phased by how she was treated in Christiansted. “As she ambled about Christiansted in a red or white skirt, her face shaded by a black silk sun hat, this ‘handsome’, self-reliant woman seems to have been fired by some inner need to vindicate herself and silence her critics.”

With her sister and brother-in-law supporting her financially, she moved into a two-story house on 34 Company Street by an Anglican church and school, which could have possibly influenced Hamilton’s religion later in life.

“Adhering to a common town pattern, she lived with her two boys in the wooden upper floor, which probably jutted over the street, while turning the lower stone floor into a shop selling foodstuffs to planters— salted fish, beef, pork, apples, butter, rice, and flour. It was uncommon in those days to be a shopkeeper… ‘White women are not expected to do anything here except drink tea and coffee, eat, make calls, play cards, and at times sew a little…’ She bought some of her merchandise from her landlord, while the rest came from two young New York merchants, David Beekman and Nicholas ruger…”

Like many other people who enslaved a small handful of people, Rachel rented out her five female enslaved servants and their four children. She also had a goat that she probably used to provide milk for her sons.

In late 1767, the family moved to 23 Company Street, then to number 34. Not long after, Rachel caught a fever, and was tended to by a woman named Ann McDonnell, then Dr. Heering took over on February 17. (TW for death and historical medical practices, skip next paragraph)

Alexander got sick as well, and they were both subjected to medieval purgatives. Valerian was given to Rachel, which expelled gas from the alimentary canal. (google it if you want, it’s just farts). Bloodletting was performed on Alexander.

Then, Rachel died at nine o’clock on February 19, around the age of 38. I cried.

James Hamilton Sr.

siiiiiiiigh. Listen man, as much as I want to like this guy, I…. mmmmmmm. I don’t hate him but. If I met him irl, I’d punch him in the nuts.

James Hamilton was born in 1718, the fourth out of eleven children. His father, Alexander Hamilton (psa for men to stop naming their kids after their family members bc it makes it very difficult) was the laird of Grange in Stevenston Parish in Ayrshire, Scotland (another psa for men to stop naming their houses after their childhood homes).

“The truth is that, on the question who my parents were, I have better pretensions than most of those in this country plume themselves on ancestry.” -Alexander Hamilton (not the laird, the twink)

Because James wasn’t the oldest son, he wasn’t very likely to inherit… anything, so he had to make his own fortune! Because that always ends well!

It seems like James was kind of the outcast in his family, like kinda Bruno vibes if you’re picking up what I’m putting down. Also his future financial issues likely contributed to his estrangement from his family. He had no formal education and was “Easygoing and lackadaisical, devoid of the ambition that would propel his spirited son, James Hamilton did not seem to internalize the Glaswegian ethos of hard work and strict discipline.” He was kind of a himbo ngl.

His older brother John took James to a four-year apprenticeship with a businessman named Richard Allen. This started a chain of events where John had to constantly bail James out of debt. He also paid for his apprenticeship, which didn’t work out, so he went to the West Indies to make bank.

He started in St. Kitts, trading sugar. He “must have started out with a modicum [ha] of social cachet in St. Kitts, but it was never enhanced by money or business success.” There’s a whole bunch of business stuff that Chernow explains, but I think Hamilton sums it up pretty well:

“In capacity of a merchant he went to St. Kitts, where from too generous and too easy a temper he failed in business and at length fell into indigent circumstances… It was his fault to have had too much pride and too large a portion of indolence, but his character was otherwise without reproach and his manners those of a gentleman.”

This is interesting, because if he had “manners those of a gentleman” he could have possibly taught those lessons of etiquette to Alexander, since he was described pretty early on as being very gentlemanly, and this could have been a start for him. However, the sentiments Hamilton shows in this statement about his dad were not always the case.

You already heard the story of him and Rachel, so I’ll give you this quote from his great grandson:

“Hamilton’s father does not appear to have been successful in any pursuit, but in many ways was a great deal of a dreamer, and something of a student, whose chief happiness seemed to be in the society of his beautiful and talented wife, who was in every way intellectually his superior.”

Okay, mansplain manipulate malewife.

Sooooo…. about him leaving his family and all that.

He was still leeching off his brother when they moved to St. Croix, and he served as head clerk for Archibald Ingram. Ingram asked James to collect debt from Alexander Moir. The lawsuit ended in January 1766, and after winning, he left his family.

His sudden move could have been motivated by Lavien’s bullshit. However, according to Chernow, “These scenarios seem unlikely given that James Hamilton never appeared on the St. Croix tax rolls, suggesting that he knew all along that he was a transient visitor.”

His son says that it could have been because of the debt, which is the most likely reason in my opinion.

“You no doubt have understood that my father’s affairs at a very early day went to wreck, so as to have rendered his situation during the greatest part of his life far from eligible. This state of things occasioned a separation between him and me, when I was very young.”

Now, it’s time for the Hurricane letter. This is arguably the most famous of Hamilton’s writings, and really the only one from his youth that’s talked about, but it’s mostly used to discuss the hurricane itself, but I think it really shows his frustration towards his father.

In the letter, which is addressed to his father, he blames the cause of the hurricane that caused devastation to St. Croix on the populace of the island, and their ungodliness and sin, and some of the traits he lists as the causes line up with descriptions of his father, or how an “illegitimate” son might view his father who abandoned him.

“The following letter was written the week after the late Hurricane, by a Youth of this Island, to his Father… ‘Where now, oh! vile worm… What is become of thine arrogance and self sufficiency?… How humble, how helpless, how contemptible you now appear. And for why? The jarring of elements— the discord of clouds? Oh! impotent presumptuous fool! how durst thou offend that Omnipotence, whose nod alone were sufficient to quell the destruction that hovers over thee, or crush thee into atoms? See thy wretched helpless state, and learn to know thyself. Learn to know thy best support. Despise thyself, and adore thy God.’”

James Hamilton stayed in the Caribbean, living on several island St. Vincent by June, 1793. Alexander attempted to come into contact with him, but to no avail. He died some time in the 1790s.

“But what has become of our dear father? It is an age since I have heared] from him or of him, though I have written him several letters… Sometimes I flatter myself his brothers have extended their support to him, and that he now enjoys tranquillity and ease. At other times I fear he is suffering in indigence. I entreat you, if you can, to relieve me from my doubts, and let me know how or where he is, if alive, if dead, how and where he died. Should he be alive inform him of my inquiries, beg him to write to me, and tell him how ready I shall be to devote myself and all I have to his accommodation and happiness.” -Alexander Hamilton to his brother James

James Hamilton Jr

There really isn’t much to say about James Jr, but I can tell you the little about him Chernow put in his biography.

James was born two years before Alexander. When his mother died, he and Alexander stayed together. He, along with Alexander, had to deal with the complicated court decision after their mother’s death.

The court had to decide how to split the inheritance between her three sons. Rachel left behind debts, and their property was immediately claimed.

“The court decided that it had to consider three possible heirs: Peter Lavien, whose father divorced Rachel ‘for valid reasons (according to information obtained by the court) by the highest authority,’ and the illegitimate James and Alexander, the ‘obscene children born after the deceased person’s divorce.’“

This court case exposed James and Alexander to the unfortunate reality of their mother’s life, which really affected Alexander and the way he viewed women.

During the year they were waiting for the decision, all of Rachel’s property was auctioned. Alexander’s uncle bought back his books for him.

Eventually, the decision was made to disinherit the two illegitimate sons, and in November 1769, Peter Lavien claimed the estate, and gave no relief to his half brothers.

James and Alexander were placed under the guardianship of Peter Lytton, their first cousin. (TW for suicide and mental illness, skip this paragraph). According to Peter’s brother, he was “insane”, and he also had a black mistress. On July 16, 1796, Peter Lytton died from suicide, and either “stabbed or shot himself to death.”

Peter wrote a will for his mistress and child, but excluded James and Alexander. Their uncle attempted to help, but couldn't do much, and died a month later. He also excluded his nephews from his will.

Then left to be an apprentice carpenter to Thomas McNobeny. The carpentry industry was one of the industries that people of color mostly worked in, and white people who worked in those industries were considered stupid and less then, since they had to compete with people of color.

James wrote to Alexander sometime in 1785 to ask for money. (here’s Alexander’s response). He possibly died in 1786.

In my personal opinion, he seems kind of distant from Alexander, but still protected him, and his mother likely put him in charge of his younger brother, since that was typical of the 18th century. Because of his circumstances and social standing, he would have been hardworking, but not very well educated.