Ur A - WILLOW

Caria chrysame psittacus, a type of metalmark butterfly known for its shimmery green markings. Photo credit: Kim Garwood

Needing to do a deeper dive into my mental state, he briefly said hello on Sunday, while I was driving, at that. I'm exhausted and the dreams are creeping back in, something is triggering something in me and I haven't been able to find what it is yet, though I have a few hunches.

I need to sit down, light a candle or my tea lights, and think. To think and ask, to tease apart what it is that he's trying to tell me.

Overworked? A non-zero chance. 6 days on my schedule but not exceeding 40 hours; still, the constant workplace presence is a drag and keeps me from my hobbies. Housing concerns? The idea of a new place to live with other queer people has been raised to me, it could concern my finances if I were to move, and that's always been a concern as well for me. Finances always concern me, having grown up with so little and the current inflation crisis, not wanting a single penny to be wasted or out of place. I am certainly seeing some improvement, but the question of my ultimate financial goal always lingers over me.

Hobby engagement could also be a factor. I'd attempted an art challenge, day by day, and fell off when I no longer had the time or energy for even smaller sketches. I am attending a large con next month and have only barely started my second outfit, still not even having bought the con tickets. Maybe the goals feel too large? Too nebulous?

I have been invited to a potluck to speak with a myrmecologist, a dream scenario for me and a potential foot in the door to the career I've wanted to pursue. I feel too exhausted to want to go, even though I know I'll enjoy the conversations and I know that entomologist was excited to know I would be meeting him.

I feel drained, so consistently drained, the rapidly setting sun and accrual of unused ideas taking their toll over me. I am hoping to take some strain off of myself after this week, resuming a normal work schedule, mapping out more of the outfit, keeping a clean living space, small indulgences and typical careful planning.

A few off days doesn't undermine my progress, and an off week doesn't undermine it either. This feels, no, is, symptomatic of something larger, and I will work to find out where it stems from to give myself some peace.

Adam Hall ~ “Passes Us By” - Oil on Panel  34 x 40

Warm like a breeze on a summer evening.

Warm like a weighted blanket.

Warm like freshly baked bread.

Warm like the winter sun.

Warm like a new candle.

Warm like a hand-knit sweater.

Warm like a cup of tea.

Warm like a gift given.

Warm like a hello.

Warm like a home cooked meal.

Warm like a letter.

Warm like laughter.

Warm like a well-read book.

Warm like a favorite song.

Warm like a hug.

Warm like a home.

And you say you're cold-blooded?

30 Day Fictionkind Challenge

Day 5: Do you fictionflicker?

I do not.

Day 6: When did you realize you were fictionkin? How long have you been in the community?

I would say I had my first inklings and thoughts at least seven or eight years ago at this point. I had been in a very dark place mentally and had been glancing over at the kin community; it seemed comforting in a way I did not know how to voice. I didn't formally identify with it until only a year or two ago. I hadn't been willing to accept the identity because it felt "cringeworthy", embarrassing to admit to. I hadn't made a formal move half a decade ago because I'd been concerned about what it would have done to my already precarious grip on my mental health - how would removing myself further from reality help me cling to it?

Now, in a much more stable place and state of mind, my acceptance comes from a place of simply wanting to harmonize with myself more. It had been something my therapist had suggested, to take a spiritual angle to some of the more internally distressing things in my life. I am at peace with my identity and find community with others here, though I've only reached out to the overall community within the past year.

Lots of answers, but I didn't exactly take a linear path now, did I?

I've been thinking about gender this morning and realize that pouf played a decent role in me figuring out exactly where I am in terms of how I feel about masculinity.

As a trans man, I don't really often see men who look like me; I especially don't see men like me because I'm not planning on medical transition. Of course, I'm not disparaging those who seek it out - that's wonderful! I'm so glad that there are options for those who have debilitating dysphoria, but I personally only suffer from it on a social level. I rarely feel it otherwise, and this is the choice I feel most comfortable with. However, this comes at the cost of rarely ever seeing men like myself; practically every trans man I see is either post-transition, or is planning to do so.

And I can now say that this is what struck me so much about this character, that he had so many stereotypically feminine traits, but was still clearly recognized as a man. That we had similar body types, similar mannerisms and means of expression. It was around then that I began to play with masculine pronouns and realized how much I enjoyed them; my most comfortable and conforming outfits ended up being semi-formal wear. I can push androgyny if I really try, but the only way to be consistently read as masculine would be to cut my hair, which I refuse to do at this point. I'd had nearly buzzed hair at one point, but find I like my shoulder length hair much better.

I'm actutely aware of how the butterfly is coded as a "feminine" insect, and that was also something that initially drew me to him. I'd never seen butterflies associated with masculinity, and to this day I haven't seen anything quite like him. He really pushed me farther along in my transition than I think I would've achieved otherwise.

Very much considering writing a larger thinkpiece on my personal interactions with kin identity; I was terrified to feel the shifts and pulls in my concept of my identity, and if I could put some of my story out there to potentially ease someone else's fears, then it will all feel worth it.

Reggia di Venaria, Italy, photo by Maria Elena Pini

Just a reminder that if your pfp is a character or some kind of animal, That is now my mental image of you

My options are almost equally as funny - either a fictive in an incredibly indistinct system, or a psychological and spiritual kin in a harmonized setting.

Either way, I am here and he is here, and that doesn't seem as though it will change any time soon.