I Had To Spend $300 On A New Car Key Because I Left Them In An Uber And The Driver Refuses To Return

story time: i taught my little cousin her first longer word when she was very young. i taught her to say “tax benefits”. and to this day my aunt still doesn’t know where she got it from, but it was a hilarious sight to see a little toddler waddling around the house, wearing a big diaper, all the while yelling “TAX BENEFITS!!!!”

hey since I just told a friend this and they found it helpful: if you’re having hallucinations and are having trouble distinguishing what’s real and what’s not, use your phone’s camera and take a picture of the thing you might be hallucinating. cameras don’t hallucinate.

also i got a tiny rubber baby for 95¢

do you ever think about how weird of a name “squidward tentacles” is like imagine if your name was humanward arms

Reblog if you’re dead

Wanna see how many people are dead

Tumblr what is this ad

Blazing Stars

i’m afraid of heights and the ocean.

i don’t like heights because it makes me uncomfortable and i always feel like i might fall

i don’t like the ocean because there could be something lurking behind me and bite me or i could drown :)

im what the kids call

sleep deprived

i want to fucking die i was at the dollar store and i carefully picked up an orange gatorade and went “sexy boy….” because i thought no one else was around but it turns out i was WRONG

i know because i heard a quiet “what the fuck bro” from the next aisle over

Watching a movie

Where my introverts at?