Germany Has Voted.

Germany has voted.

It’s the year 2025, just a few months before the next scheduled election, but here we are—voting early. Why? Because the three-party coalition in the German parliament, fragile from the outset, finally collapsed at the end of last year, leaving the government in a state of political paralysis.

A Brief Digression on the Previous Legislative Period (Feel Free to Skip)

After more than a decade of CDU/CSU (Christian Democratic Union/Christian Social Union) dominance, the 2021 federal election saw the SPD (Social Democrats) emerge as the strongest party, largely due to pandemic-induced dissatisfaction. Since continuing the GroKo (the grand coalition of CDU + SPD) was no longer palatable to the electorate, the SPD—by the way, a party that already existed as a workers' movement during the Nazi era before it was swiftly banned by the Enabling Act—teamed up with two other parties:

The Greens (Bündnis 90/Die Grünen): Ostensibly dedicated to climate and environmental protection, yet somehow always finding ways to funnel billions into lobbying for Rheinmetall (the arms industry) while simultaneously approving a reception station for American fracking gas off the picturesque coast of Rügen. Fracking gas ≠ environmental protection, in case anyone missed that. Also, fun fact: since its completion, the terminal has been running at single-digit capacity (oops). Did the Greens push this policy alone? No. Were they enthusiastic supporters? Absolutely. Did the people of Rügen like it? Not so much. But despite protests and petitions, a gas terminal now looms off the shores of Sassnitz.

The FDP (Free Democrats): A party that once thrived in West Germany under the motto "the market will regulate itself", effectively acting as a centrist force when there were only three major parties (ah, the simplicity). However, in reality, they mainly represent the top ten percent—those who believe in capitalism the way medieval peasants believed in divine right. Their voter base? The wealthy and those who think they’re wealthy but mostly just fear losing what little they have.

Despite their historic (for them) results in 2021, resentment soon grew due to prolonged coalition negotiations and a legislative period that, let’s be honest, wasn't exactly a triumph. (Side note: much like in the U.S., few people seem to grasp that not every government decision has immediate consequences. Many of the failures attributed to this coalition were actually set in motion by the CDU before they left office—but nobody wants to hear that.)

And So, the 2025 Election Happened

With rising discontent and a steady stream of one-sided media coverage, it was easy for right-wing populists to capitalize on public frustration. And capitalize they did: the far-right AfD (great experiences with them in Germany before—sarcasm!) achieved record-breaking results. In Eastern Germany, nearly one in two voters backed them (which, before anyone says anything, has nothing to do with former GDR citizens being stupid). In the West, support ranged from one in three to one in five.

And the winner? Drum roll.

The CDU/CSU. Because after all, when in doubt, just go back to what you know.

The CDU has recently distinguished itself with its own brand of fear-mongering and racism—because, surprise, that rhetoric appeals not just to Eastern voters but also to the aging conservative base in the West, who, despite their Christian values, seem to have very little interest in charity. Shocking.

Meanwhile, the SPD hit a record low, the Greens lost a few percentage points, and the AfD secured the second-highest vote count.

Any Good News?

Actually, yes.

The formerly struggling Left Party (Die Linke) managed to recover, despite losing a quarter of its members when a very charismatic ex-member decided to start what is essentially a cult masquerading as a political party (her motto: it doesn’t matter what it is, as long as we’re against it). The Left Party reached nearly 9% nationwide—not exactly a revolution, but enough to ensure a strong leftist opposition.

Said cult? Didn’t make it into the Bundestag. They are now planning legal action to challenge the election results, which is very on-brand.

The FDP failed to pass the 5% threshold, meaning no more capitalist fat cats representing the top ten percent in major political positions. Oh no.

A single representative from a Silesian-Danish minority party secured a seat in parliament—one less seat for the AfD. No complaints there.

What Now?

The CDU leads as the strongest party, followed by the AfD, SPD, Greens, and the Left.

Who will govern?

Since even the right-wing CDU still draws the line at openly neo-Nazi affiliations, the AfD will not be part of the government (though they will be the largest opposition party, which… isn’t great). Meanwhile, the CDU refuses to govern with the Greens or the Left, so—guess what—it looks like we’re getting another GroKo (CDU + SPD).

Remind me—wasn’t this exactly what the voters wanted to avoid?

Who will be chancellor?

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce…

Oh. Wait.

Yes, that's the one.

Friedrich Merz (CDU). A man who once voted against criminalizing marital rape, who doesn’t get along too well with non-Germans, and who, despite being in a Christian party, seems to lack the whole compassion aspect of Christianity.

What was his first move after winning the election? Ignoring a ruling by the International Court of Justice and personally assuring Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu that, despite the arrest warrant against him for war crimes, Germany would find a way to let him visit and leave without consequence. A lovely little reminder of how much Merz cares about the Palestinian people, who have been suffering for decades under Israel’s regime.

Final Thoughts

If any Americans, or anyone at all, were considering fleeing to Germany—don’t. It’s no better here. The political spectrum continues shifting further to the right, and somehow, advocating for basic human rights is now considered radical.

We are tired.