You Can't Possibly Give Me Anxiety About Tables

You can't possibly give me anxiety about tables

around the time i first watched Beauty and the Beast, my childhood play table broke; we had to glue to wood back together. i had a lot of nighttime anxiety as a kid, and naturally this led to me staying up late tossing & turning in bed, because what if that happened to a piece of enchanted furniture in Beauty and the Beast? imagine, you’re an 18th cent french servant and your young dumbass master summons a curse down on the house. he turns into a badass wolf monster while you, a lowly peasant, turn into a fucking TABLE. years pass. one day, that stupid dog-footstool comes running out of nowhere as you’re trotting down the hall, and BAM–your leg comes off! your leg just cracks off, splinters and all. then what? how the heck do you respond to that? well your master has spent the last 10 years trashing the place, so you’re probably not going to ask him to take a look at it, he’d probably smash you to bits (and not in the fun monster-smash ;) way, in the smashing-furniture-bc-he-has-big-claws-and-the-emotional-capacity-of-a-teaspoon way). still, you don’t have thumbs so you’re probably stuck asking that insufferable candlestick for help gluing the damn thing back on, assuming he doesn’t light you on fire in the process. so let’s say that happens, and a few years pass & your master gets his head out of his ass long enough to break the curse. my question in, what now? you’ve spent years walking around on a leg that was literally separated from your body. in an enchanted castle, does glue function as the magical equivalent of reattachment surgery OR have you just been walking around all this time on what would in any other situation be a dead decaying amputated leg? does the leg start decaying as soon as the enchantment is reversed, or is it basically just bone and rotten cartilage by now?? for that matter, has your human body kept aging all these years or is it returned to the state directly prior to the original transformation? does the 10 years spent as furniture count against your lifespan?

that’s not even getting on the subject of the baby teacup with a literal chip around the area where his skullcap would be. does that count as a traumatic brain injury? also, tables have 4 legs but humans have arms and legs, so how would you know until the enchantment is broken whether had an arm or a leg amputated? would you know ahead of time which is which or would it just be a wait-and-see kind of deal? would you even know the terms & conditions of the curse? would you have spent the last few years agonizing over whether or not you even want to break the curse, bc you have no way of knowing whether that means you lose an arm or a leg or straight up die of blood loss? alternatively, would the original injury already have killed you if not for the curse? are you supposed to be grateful to that fuck of a fairy? surely not. these are questions that my seven-year-old-self found most haunting