I Am Nooooot Locked The Fuck In. Im Locked The Fuck Out. Call The Locksmith

Sources: Gut, My. Something is Terribly Wrong, vol 136, 2025.

UPD from the field:

The ad says: "Will you dare to try it?"

Yes. Yes I will. At least two of these.

(It should be noted that tomato juice, spiced or otherwise, is a completely normal occurrence in Ukraine, even though opinions vary on whether people who enjoy it stray farther and farther from God with every sip) (I am those people. I enjoy tomato juice)

Okay so yesterday I saw someone mention that during the two months that I was away they started selling lime and chili flavoured yoghurt back in Ukraine. I repeat, LIME AND CHILI.

Obviously I had to task my boyfriend with acquiring it so that I can try it the moment I step off the train at the end of the month. Also, obviously, I googled it. Here's what I saw:

Okay, sure. Some choices have been made with the colours (I find the purple atrocious but I'm not good with colours so who knows). But wait, the "flamin' hot" banner reminds me of something. Haven't I seen it before?

Yep. I looked it up - Чудо and Doritos are both owned by PepsiCo, and PepsiCo straight up recycled the Flamin' Hot banner.

I really, really don't know what to make of this.

Also as I type this I realised that they also recycled the fucking horrible purple colour. This is torture.

At the end of the month I'm trying the Doritos-flavoured yoghurt, apparently. Watch this space for a review.

I am going to [remembers that jokes about suicide are detrimental to myself and others] Scarborough Fair.

The same "he". To me

He died doing what he loved. Being fatally injured.

One of my friends is a piano tuner. Her dream, or at least her parents' dream, was to be a concert pianist. Turns out she liked messing with the mechanisms more than she liked memorizing songs. It also turns out that "decent piano tuner" pays a lot more than "failed concert pianist," which helped convince her parents as well.

In the same way, I don't think there's any shame in being a race car driver's mechanic. Racing is a team effort. Everyone on that team has to contribute as best they can. From the crew chief who remembers things like "what weekend the race is on," to the intern who puts air in the tires of the car-hauling trailer, they can all share in a victory.

Thing is, the media likes a hero. It's hard to do a story about a whole bunch of people doing their job properly. Not much drama in it. They think we want to see a radical, a loner, a real protagonist. Even the TV news likes to ensure the happenings of the world are conveyed to you entirely by a cabal of all-knowing, handsome talking heads. More heroes, selling you the story of other heroes.

Those people don't really exist, and when they do, they're kind of unpleasant because they won't help you with your shit. Race cars need mechanics; concert pianists need tuners; everyone needs somebody.

That's why I've decided to more flagrantly violate the traffic laws. It's only by stretching these laws to their maximum that the lawmakers will truly appreciate the hard work of the dedicated civil servants who anticipated things like not letting me pull my Volare with a bunch of sled dogs. And if I do manage to find something new, they will all get a great opportunity to come together as a team and ban it. No need to thank me; just doing my part.

Studying English as a second language my whole life literally ruined learning any other languages for me. I just googled the verb form "ignoren" in Spanish and saw that it was second person plural imperative and I went 'hm, second person plural? that's weird' and then remembered that MY NATIVE LANGUAGE FUCKING HAS SECOND PERSON PLURAL I USE IT DAILY

Oh also in case anyone was wondering, they said that if I'm that ungrateful then I deserve to go back and get bombed. Not really anything to do with the sentiment of the post, just a thing that actually happened.

I'll never forget how in 2023-ish there was a post on Instagram about the difficulties Ukrainian refugees face in the UK and I commented with my own experience to support the sentiment, and in response a helpful™ person from the US told me to just move to the US, what did I expect when refugee-ing to the UK, the US would've been much better. And I might have been at least nice about my response had they not been extremely condescending, but they infuriated me so much that I said, "I would feel safer in Ukraine now than in the US any day".

Anyway this has been aging rapidly since I said it first and it horrifies me how true this rings today.

Move to Ukraine, at least we have affordable healthcare!

dear mx university,

ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to become so good at my second language that I eventually become shit at my native one and then the second one also. in light of this I consider myself to be a perfect candidate for your translation studies degree. please

end personal statement