Unconditional

The @wolfstarmicrofic prompt today is pole :) CW: Reference to previous child abuse

(791 words)

“I’m in love with you.” Remus confessed quietly, watching Sirius nervously.

“What? Why?” He asked back, confused. Remus Lupin, really? Of all people, Remus didn’t see it.

He didn’t see the way that Sirius disappointed his parents.

Sirius knew that, and he had made peace with it a long time ago. Water under the bridge, really. Well, for the most part. There was one part of him that his parents approved of, drilled into him over and over.

The way he looked.

The only thing they complimented was his hair, his eyes, his bone structure, while actively reminding him that it was fleeting. If he was going to be a disappointment, he needed to use his face to lock someone down before they noticed just how shit he was. That was where the flirting came in. Girls swooned at the sight of him, but he made sure to never come close enough for them to see him. Really see him. They would leave the moment they did.

Then Remus Lupin waltzed into Sirius’ life and tilted everything on it’s axis, with his soft, amber eyes and the smile that made Sirius weak at the knees, falling hard and fast, in love before he knew what had happened.

Not only that, but Sirius couldn’t hide anything from him. It was impossible to keep a secret from Remus, he was just so easy to talk to, which was why Sirius had accepted that there was no possibility of Remus ever falling for him. He knew too much to be interested.

He had been proven fucking wrong.

Sirius shook his head. He had to have misheard. He quietly willed his heart to slow, his hope to stop climbing and to prepare himself for a crash when Remus remembered how unlovable Sirius was.

“I- what d’you mean why?” Remus frowned. “You’re- you’re you.” He answered, eyes boring into Sirius’ as he searched for the words, making Sirius shift a little on his feet.

“Yeah, that’s my point.” Sirius said back calmly. “I don’t deserve you.” He shrugged calmly, leaning against the pole fence on the astronomy tower, looking out, refusing to meet Remus’ eye. He didn’t want to watch when Remus inevitably turned around and left. “If it’s because of the way I look, then-“

“The way you…? Padfoot.” Remus rested his arms on the fence beside him, speaking firmly. “I’ve known you for 6 bloody years, don’t be an idiot.”

“Oh, charming.” Sirius shot back, still not looking at him, never looking.

“You deserve to be called much more than an idiot if you think your face is the only good thing about you.” He could feel Remus’ eyes on him, and he couldn’t help as his composure cracked, just a little. James had said some variation of that before, but Remus was different. Remus could take him apart and put him back together with one word, one look, one touch. Sirius let his eyes slide shut, breath stuttering for a moment.

“Please don’t lie to me, Moony.”

“Lying? Sirius, you’re quite literally one of the greatest people I’ve ever met.” When Sirius huffed a disbelieving laugh, Remus pressed on. “You became an animagus for me.” He started. “One of the most difficult magical processes, and you did it when you were 13, just to make things a little easier for me.”

“I didn’t want you to tear yourself apart every month, anybody would do that.”

“No, they wouldn’t.” Remus’ voice softened. “Sirius, look at me.” Sirius silently cursed his inability to say no to Remus, slowly turning to face him. “You are the most selfless, kind person I’ve ever met. You’re the first person who made me feel like I was worth something. It’s one thing if you don’t love me, but if you say no because you think you don’t deserve it, I will shove you off the tower, got it?”

“Of course I love you, Moony.” Sirius heard the words tumble out of him before he could stop them, too distracted to care. “But I- I’m a fucking mess.” His voice broke, and he could feel the tears starting to well in his eyes. “How could you- in spite of everything…?”

“I don’t love you in spite of anything.” Remus answered. “I love you with everything. You deserve love, Padfoot. Please just let me love you.” That was Sirius’ breaking point, as he broke down, dissolving into sobs. He felt Remus’ arms around him, warm and careful and safe, letting him break, falter, stumble. Remus was murmuring something comforting to him, a hand in his hair.

Maybe he would let himself feel worthy of love, just for a while.

Maybe he would let Remus teach him what unconditional love felt like.