Highriftplains - 🕯️

Ambivalent (series)

PART EIGHT

Pairing: Josh Kiszka x Female Reader

Warnings: slight panic attack, language, drama drama drama

Summary: Four weeks at your best friend's cabin in the mountains is just what you need to wind down, but what happens when your ex boyfriend gets thrown in the mix and you're forced to hide your painful past from the one person who understands you?

MASTERPOST

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you but my back was cramping.” Josh whispers as you roll off his arm.

Your eyes stagger open, adjusting to the light glow of the sun through the cheap curtains covering the window above Josh’s bed. You bawl your hands up in fists and rub your eyes, abandoning Josh’s bare torso in the process.

“Fuck, what time is it?” You yawn.

“Only seven-thirty,” he tells you.

His fingers gently rake through your hair, making you fight to keep your eyes open.

“Has Cami been over yet?”

“Yes, and don’t worry, I’ve already told her about our night of animalistic sex.” He jokes.

You grumble and playfully slap his hand away from your hair. “Animalistic is a reach,”

“Ouch. You were much nicer in my dream,”

“Oh, was I?” You smirk, sitting up and crawling over his body until both knees rest on either side of his hips.

Straddling him, you bend at the waist so your bare chest is pressed flush against his. Your lips tease at the skin of his neck, your warm breath tickling him. He immediately reacts to your touch, his cock twitching in his boxers. His hands wrap around your body, his palms exploring the vastness of your back. He attempts to press his lips against yours but you sit up to avoid the contact.

“Gross. I have morning breath.” You tell him, hands trailing across his pecks. “You’ve changed quite a bit,” your hands squeeze his biceps, “like here.”

He licks his lips. “Not much to do when you’re not around. Had to fill the void,”

He sits up, chasing after your lips again. “Josh, I’m serious. I stink!”

“Wanna kiss you,” he coos.

Afraid to put your resilience to the test, you take matters into your own hands and roll off the bed. Grabbing one of Josh’s shirts off the floor, you pull it on over your bare body before slipping out of his room and into the bathroom.

Josh joins you no more than a minute later, still wearing only his boxers, his situation beneath them eased. He stands in the doorway, his arm propped up on the frame as he takes in the view of you wearing only his t-shirt with a mouthful of toothpaste. The corner of his mouth tugs into a playful, yet soft, toothless smile, and when you look at him, your heart skips a beat. You spit out a mouthful of foam before smiling back at him.

“What?”

He only shakes his head and takes a step towards you, grabbing his own toothbrush, his hand falling flat on your hip in the process. “Nothing.”

The two of you stand side-by-side, brushing your teeth in unison. It’s such a mundane task and one you never once deemed to be romantic or meaningful until this moment. But standing here this morning gives you a new perspective on this once boring task. For the first time since coming on this trip, you get a view of what life could have been if you and Josh never split; waking up in each other’s arms and brushing your teeth together. It makes your stomach sizzle and burn, the feeling of regret settling deep in the pit of your stomach.

“Okay, we’re done. Can I kiss you now?”

You laugh, pushing those thoughts to the back of your mind. “Josh, my mouth is full of foamy toothpaste.”

“I don’t care, I want it. Toothpaste and all,”

He grabs your face with both hands and pulls you into a kiss. You immediately taste the minty-freshness of his breath as you lick into his mouth. His lips are wet, as are yours, and welcoming. His mustache is soaked from the water and sits damply just above your top lip. Your hands fall on his waist and you scratch his sides with your fingernails—an action you frequently did to him as a teenager. He sinks deep into the feeling. His hands are damp and the wetness morphs your hair to your face as he retracts from your lips. He stays a few inches from your face, his sweet eyes scanning over your features as his thumb lightly ghosts over your bottom lip. You get the feeling he’s about to say something that definitely should not be said right now, so you swallow thickly and take a step back.

“We should get dressed before anyone walks in,” you advise. “We don’t need that happening again.”

He nods in agreement before leaving you alone in the bathroom. You stare at yourself in the mirror and splash water over your cheeks until the redness of them dissipates.

——

“Just jump in, the waters warm!” Jita shouts at Jake from her position in the water.

Jake stands stubbornly on the dock with a bottle of beer in his hands. His brows are furrowed and he keeps shaking his head back and forth in dismissal of Jita’s request. You tread in the water next to her with Cami on your other side—Danny not too far behind her.

The six of you are enjoying your last week of vacation, secretly dreading the return to civilization. You had prompted to stay another week, but the boys have an album to work on and can’t extend the trip in any form. Josh had told you a few nights ago, his hand slipping into your pants.

You two have yet to talk about everything that has happened in the past few days, but what’s new? Neither of you enjoy confrontation given both of your desperate need to not dig up the past. Even though no words have been shared, you both have a mutual understanding that this is exactly what you want. You’ve spent the last few nights enveloped in each other’s arms, skin to skin, listening to the pace of each other’s heart beats. You’d had sex three times, and each time felt more comfortable than the last. You felt, once again, connected with him, and you’re embarrassed to admit that you haven’t slept this good in five years.

“Come on you big baby! It’s not even cold!” Cami shouts, trying to coax Jake in.

He still stands like a tree rooted into the ground. The door to your cabin shuts and ours comes Josh, towels in hand, ready to swim. He silently approaches Jake from behind, holding a finger to his lips to warn everyone in the water. Jita keeps trying to persuade Jake to jump, the sound of her voice canceling out the sound of Josh’s feet tapping across the wooden deck.

In a split second Jake, and his beer, go wailing through the air, hitting the water with a brutal smack. You shelter your face from the splash of water but don’t hold back on the cackle that releases from your throat. Everyone’s laughing, even Jake once he comes up for air. He turns around to give Josh the bird but he’s bent over laughing so he doesn’t even see it.

“Fuck you all,” Jake tries to remain serious but fails miserably. He wipes water and wet hair away from his face. “You’re all going to hell.”

Jita swims to him and throws her arms around his neck. “Oh, come on. We just wanted to swim with you.”

“I was gonna jump in!” He defends himself. “You didn’t have to take it out on the beer.”

“Yeah right,” Danny snickers. “You’re like a cat, Jake. You were not going to get in.”

You all continue laughing and you’re so distracted by Jake’s fake pissed-off mood that you hardly notice Josh is swimming towards you. He stops behind you, leaving enough room for casualness, and taps on your shoulder. You spin around to face him, happiness still visible on your face.

“We should go for a walk later,”

You raise an eyebrow. “A walk or you fucking me against a tree?”

He nearly lets out a cackle but recovers by clearing his throat. “Whichever you prefer.” He shrugs. “No, I’m serious though. I want to get away with you for a few hours. Think you can schedule me in?”

“I should be asking you that same question Mr. Rockstar.” You’re only teasing but deep down it aches. Your mind races with the idea of returning to regular life.

“Right.” His cheeks redden. “Wanna head out after this?”

“After my shower,” you tell him.

He smirks. “Can you schedule me in for that?”

You roll your eyes, tossing a glance over your shoulder to make sure no one is around. “I’m actually all booked for that. Might have to catch the next one.”

His top row of teeth bite down on his lip and he shakes his head. You watch him swim off to Danny, your eyes glued to the muscles carved into his back.

An hour later, you’re all showered and dressed. You changed into a pair of jean shorts and a plain t-shirt, not daring to risk wearing anything nice. You’ll be with Josh after all.

“Hey, love. You ready?” He shouts from the living room.

“Yeah,” you call after him.

You find Josh tucked away in the kitchen, packing a few bags with healthy snacks and ice cold water bottles. He tosses in a few bottles of ibuprofen, well aware of the headaches that swell in your head after a few dreadful hours in the sun. After tossing in the sunscreen, he zips the pack up and hoists it over his shoulder.

He’s wearing the simplest white tank top and some burnt orange khaki shorts, a burgundy bandana tied around his neck. An old thrifted cap sits on his mess of curls and you’re sure if there’s a gust of wind, it will blow away. Nonetheless, and not to your surprise, he looks as good as ever. His tan sticks out next to the white of his shirt and his muscles, carved and defined, prod at the skin. It takes every ounce of control in your body not to tear the fabric off his body.

You bite your lip as you approach him, your arms immediately wrapping around his neck as you do so. Josh welcomes the affection, connecting your lips quickly as his hands rest on your rib cage.

“You look so granola,” you tell him.

He cocks an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”

“Wow. They really do take away your phones once you become famous.” You tease.

“Yeah, well, I’ve never been much of a technology person.” He tells the truth as he removes his hands from your body.

“So where are we going today?”

He shrugs, opening the front door for you. “Wherever I feel like.”

“That’s reassuring,” you say with a snort.

“Hey,” he tugs on your wrist once you’re off the porch, “I am the best tour guide you have ever had.”

You can’t help but giggle. “Josh, you got us lost for four hours one time.”

The sound of a cabin door creaking open steals both of your attention. Your neck snaps towards the sound, dropping Josh’s hands out of pure fear as you see Cami and Jake appear on the porch. You blink rapidly and wave back to Cami who’s curiously perched against the railing of the deck. She tilts her head, motioning you two to join her for a moment. You and Josh share a brief look of nervousness before walking towards her.

“Hey, you two.” She greets the two of you with a smirk. “Where ya headed?”

“Nowhere—”

“A hike.”

Your words and Josh’s collide, making Cami’s face scrunch in confusion. You narrow your eyes at him but he only stares blankly at you.

“We’re going for a hike,” you finish up, trying to clear the air. “It’s nice out, isn’t it?”

She nods in agreement. “Why didn’t you invite the rest of us?”

From his spot on the chair behind Cami, Jake giggles, only loud enough for you to hear. You were about to send a pair of daggering eyes his way but Josh had beaten you to it.

“We just figured hiking wasn’t your thing,” Josh tells her.

“What? You know I love hikes.”

You get the feeling that the questions won’t stop, so you decide to end it yourself. “Look, Cam. Let’s talk later, yeah?” You huff.

You grab Josh by the backpack and drag him away from the cabin, trying to escape before Cami can somehow scare a few secrets out of the both of you. After a minute or so following the trail that dives deep into the forest behind your cabin, you’re able to breathe steadily again.

You glance at Josh who’s oddly quiet walking next to you. Deciding to give him another minute, you keep steady. The trees around you are a deep and vibrant green, thriving in the warm summer atmosphere. Hundreds of different kinds of grasses line the small dirt cleared path, creating a seemingly magical setting. Scattered pine cones lay randomly placed at your feet, twigs comfortably placed next to them. The sun only peaks through the top of the trees occasionally, the thick leaves acting as a canopy, protecting the life underneath it. You’re quite thankful for it as the sun was rather warm today.

After you’re sure it’s been five minutes without Josh saying anything, you finally speak up. “You okay?”

“Mhm,” he says without so much as even looking at you.

“Josh,” you pry, extremely aware of his sudden cold presence. “Are you mad at me?”

“Well I’m not exactly thrilled that you’re not pleased to be seen with me.” His tone is sharp and snarky.

“I’ve told you a million times. She can’t know.”

He rolls his eyes. “I just don’t get it.”

“I haven’t even told her about us as teenagers yet. How would she handle this?”

“Don’t you think you should figure it out given the circumstances?” He sternly says, his features darkening.

“What circumstances?”

He stops abruptly, causing you to take a few steps forward down the hill before also pausing. You turn to face him, your hands on your hips. His face is twisted like he’s just eaten something bitter and words wait on his tongue like he’s waiting to spit them out.

“What circumstances?” He seemingly mocks you. “The circumstances meaning us practically living together? Us practically dating?”

“You mean the circumstances that are going to change in a week?” Your voice raises. “What’s the fucking point, Josh?”

His jaw clenches at his words but he has no argument to defend himself with. Instead, he swallows thickly and averts his gaze to the trees above him.

You sigh, rubbing your temples. “I don’t want to do this now. I’m sorry,”

“Then when should we do it? We’re going separate ways in a few days, remember? Are you sure you don’t want it to be sooner? If you want, you can take my car back to Nashville, you know, seeing you fucking live there too!” He holds his chin high, his nostrils flared in anger.

His voice cracks and the sound makes your eyes open wide. Josh’s face is red and filled with emotion, his eyes glossed over and he swallows a bubbling lump in his throat. Without hesitation, you step towards him and place your hands on his forearms. He tugs away from your touch for a moment but soon stops, giving into your comfort. Once you take another step closer to him, he drops his head on your shoulder. Your hands work up the smooth skin of his arms, gently rubbing and massaging it in hopes of calming him down. Soon enough, his heart slows and his breathing evens out. His hands fall on your waist for a moment before tapping them, wordlessly telling you he’s okay.

You know Josh doesn’t mean anything he says when he’s upset. He becomes a completely different person when he’s terrified. You cut him slack because secretly, you’re terrified too.

Josh straightens up and you press your chest against his. Your arms wrap around his torso, his around your upper back. His thumb rubs the fabric of your shirt but his grasp on you isn’t tight like it normally is. Your chin is resting on his collarbone and you turn it so your lips press against the damp skin of his neck. Your palm grabs the other side of his neck and cradles him quietly.

“What aren’t you telling me?” You ask.

Your lips, moving against the crook of his neck, makes him suck in a hasty breath. He shudders beneath you, his grip loosening even farther. You mimic his actions, letting him to and stepping back. You leave a hand on his shoulders, keeping the contact. It seems that his once tan face has lost all color and sunk into a light pale shade instead. It makes your stomach squeeze around nothing. You wait for him to say something, anything, but it never comes. Losing the moment, you bring your hand back to your body and wipe a drop of sweat from off your brow.

“Okay, well.” Your voice shakes along with your hands. “Should we continue?”

He nods but his eyes are casted on the ground now. You mess with the hem of your shorts, not sure if you want to continue the hike. At least if you were at the cabin you could lock yourself in your bedroom or something. Here, you’re completely naked and vulnerable with no place to hide. Your heart beats rapidly under your rib cage as your breathing increases. You cross your arms against your breasts and you chew on your fingernails, trying to find the peace inside of you. It’s too awkward right now, and you’re too sensitive to handle really anything at the moment.

As if sensing your blood pressure rising, Josh’s eyes find your face. They scan your features and it doesn’t take long for him to realize you’re nearing panic. He immediately reaches his arm around your frame, pulling you back into his body until you’re trapped between his two arms. Your breathing is heavy and uneven, and you don’t even know why. You hate being this way; so out of control of your emotions.

Just being close to him, being able to focus on the sound of his heart beating in his chest, calms you down immensely. You stay together for no longer than a minute, gathering yourself and cooling down.

“Aren’t we just terrible for each other,” Josh fakes a laugh, attempting to lighten the mood.

You smile against his shirt with a sniffle. “Yeah, but so good too.”

He tilts his head so his cheek is placed on the crown of your head. “I’m sorry for freaking you out.”

You pull away from him just enough to tilt your head and look up at him. He looks all too sweet and soft right now, the gentle glow from the sun igniting his features. “Let’s just go home.”

You catch yourself referring to your shared cabin as home. At first it confuses you; why would your brain consider that home. As you walk back, hand-in-hand with Josh, you understand and agree. He’s there, and he is your home.

——

When you reach the end of the path near the cabin, Josh pauses. His hand, still in yours, loosens enough for you to easily slip yours out of it. You don’t, instead, you hold it tighter, flashing him a reassuring smile in the process. His cheeks pinken.

You climb the stairs together, tugging the front door open. Josh laughs as the door hits the both of you, and you enter the cabin in a fit of giggles. Once you turn to face the living room, you notice Cami and Jake. You and Josh seem to catch them at the same time, both of you freezing in acknowledgment. Your hand stays buried inside Josh’s though, and you don’t dare drop it.

“How was the hike?” Jake asks, his voice timid.

“It was good,” Josh answers, raising a brow at his twin. “What are you two doing here?”

Cami’s standing now, her position stiff and her walls guarded. She wears a deeply pained expression, and given who she’s sitting in front of, you’re expecting the worst. Her eyes bleed into yours and for a second the whole world stops spinning. Josh and Jake disappear, leaving it just you and her. You feel your chest tighten and your mouth open to speak but nothing comes out. Josh lets your hand go, yanking you back to reality. No one has moved or spoken since, and you wonder if it’s been merely seconds or minutes.

“I know.” Cami says, punctuating the words in hopes of clarifying what she’s talking about. She doesn’t even need to, you know exactly what she’s referring to.

@jordie-gvf @dilflover-4ever @lilbitx @gretnavannfleet @dayumclarizzel @takenbythemadness

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Ambivalent (series)