I’m Not Okay (I Promise)

everyone make sure to set out cheese & crackers for neil tonight <3

my WIFE

Currently sobbing and crying and throwing up and dying

We Tried.

a blurb.

pairing: Jake Kiszka x Reader (2nd person pov)

tags: ANGST, with a happy ending tho, mentions of alcohol.

CW: pretty much nothing! a fight is alluded to but nothing physical just a verbal fight. alcohol consumption is mentioned as well.

word count: a little over 2k

A/N: i wrote this for pretty much no reason BUT my friend @highriftplains said this is exactly whey they’ve been needing to read.

frankie, this is for you. enjoy.

masterlist | read on ao3

“We gave it a good shot didn’t we?”

Stabbed, right in your gut. Tears prickle at your waterline, you can’t look anywhere but the floor. A mere blissful 13 months ago everything was perfect, no issues, nothing bad, it was pure. Pure and absolute, just like the love you have- or should you say had?

13 was always a number you carried in your heart. Unlucky and taboo, superstition surrounded it, that’s why you liked it. You always thought it brought you good luck when you were younger. I guess it just bit you in the ass, didn’t it?

Jake was a perfect man, the only one you could really stand at the end of the day. And maybe he still is. It’s just a little hard to decide right now.

He sits on the end of the bed, elbows on his knees with his hands clasped together, he rests his chin ontop of them. You can only look at the floor his shoes rest upon.

“We tried.”

Approximately 2 and a half hours beforehand

You and Jake walk into Sam’s house, the creek of the door being your reminder that sound exists after the silent 30 minute drive to your current location. You both put on your best performance smiles, greeting Josh and Daniel in the dining room.

“Hey guys what’s up?” Josh asks the two of you, pushing his chair to the side to give his greetings in the form of embrace. He hugs his twin first, friendly reminder to you that you will always be last place, especially if things go down how you dreadfully think they will.

You hug Josh back as he turns to you, putting on your best face you feel the pit in your stomach for just a bit. A pit that comes with the words “This is the last time, isn’t it?”

Daniel rises from his chair as well, yet not for you nor Jacob. He brings his attention to Samuel, carrying a casserole dish in from the kitchen. “Dan can you go get the plates please,” is all he says, simply ignorant to your presence just now. You watch as he leans over a chair and places the dish in the middle of the glass table with a painfully audible clink. He turns to his left, your eyes meeting. You watch as his eyes go from surprise to concern.

Shit.

You quickly restore the smile on your face and greet him. You both share your greetings as Danny walks back into the room, plates and serving spoons in hand. He focuses on the plates as he sets them down gently. He looks up at you, oddly similar to the way Sam acts, and his eyes light up. “Oh hi!” He walks over as you greet eachother, then bothering to take a seat and prepare for dinner. You look over to where you left the twins. They’re missing from the spot they once inhabited, instead lingering in the hall. You watch, looking at Jacob, his eyes filled with the look only you and Josh know.

You already know damn well what they’re talking about.

You stand up and place you bag on your seat, then excusing yourself, your feet already taking in to the bathroom. You shut the door carefully behind you, you hands resting on the door as you place your forehead against it. Not bothering to listen in- just simply resting due tothe treacherous emotions within.

You don’t even realise how long it’s been before you open your eyes again when you hear a faint “Oh shit dude…” linger in from the dinning room. You know what he’s telling them, how couldn’t he. You can’t even be mad at him either, you’d do the same anyways.

You turn to wash your hands as you finally bother to make your way back to the table.

The reflection in the mirror stares back at you. A smile plastered ontop, the sorrow in your eyes still lingers.

At least you can try.

You walk back to the table, greeted with the smiles of Sam and Danny. Not the twins though, they’re too connected anyways, no point in pretending. You take your spot at the table, directly across from Jake as Josh sits at the head of the table between you. You look into his eyes for the first time in what feels like decades. A small smile washes across his face, this time feeling forced, a first for the both of you.

And so the five of you carry out with your dinner plans as you feel the rift in the room. Sam had made margaritas for the group, to which you all happily oblige, you can never turn down his cocktails, no matter how much you grive for an impending collapse. You then find yourself helping Sam with the dishes as the rest of the group commence the pitiful first attempts at a campfire. The silence between you two is weirdly peaceful, the room only being filled with the sound of the tap and plates clinking together.

Sam stops, abandoning his plate at the bottom of the sink as he turns to you. You respond with a mere “Hm?” as you look back at him, you already know where this is heading.

“Hey,” he pauses for a moment, gathering the right words inside his head. He places a comforting hand ontop of your shoulder.

“You feeling ok?”

“Oh, yeah I’m fine Sam. Don’t worry about me I’m just tired.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

The two of you are interrupted by Daniel opening the back door. “Hey, we got a fire started do you want me to bring out the little cocktail tray you got Sam?”

“Oh yeah that’ll be great thank you! We’ll be out in just a bit,”

The two of your finish your dishes as you then walk out onto the patio. The three guys all sitting around the fire. Daniel, a fresh Guinness in hand, sits next to Josh as Sam takes his spot next to him leaving the last chair next to Jake. You don’t hesitate to sit down physically, mentally you want rip yourself to shreds as you sit next to him.

The night starts to pass by, all of you getting more tipsy by the minute. Jake even bothers to loosen up, seemingly distracting himself by telling a weird story from his childhood shenanigns with Josh. You all decide to turn in for the night making your way to Sam’s living room. Jacob had already decided he was too drunk to drive, and you of course had completley forgotten to stay sober.

You guys had to stay the night in one of the spare rooms.

Great.

You mentally kick yourself in the head as you walk into the guest room, ahead of Jake. You hear the door behind you shut. You hear a sight from Jake as he stumbles inside.

“Oh shit, I’ll be right back I gotta remind Sam of somethin-” Jake cuts himself off. You hear the doorhandle jiggle as he struggles to open it. “What the fuck?” is all he mutters out. You turn back to him to look at whatever the hell he was doing. “What’s wrong?”

You’re suddenly greeted with your answer.

You see the doorknob laying gently in Jake’s hand.

“Guys!” He calls out.

You hear footsteps come walking down the hall. “Yeah? What’s up?” you hear Sam ask.

“Your doorknob just came off in my hand!”

“What?”

“I can’t open the door dude!”

You then hear an audible laugh come from Sam and what sounds like to be Danny accompanying him. “Guys this isn’t funny!” You call out as the duo continue to cackle outside the door. You hear a confused Josh join them. “What the hell is so funny?”

“The doorknob came off in Jake’s hand!”

You listen in horror as Josh joins the laughter. “Guys what the fuck?” Jake calls out, obviously annoyed even more by whatever this sick joke was. “Oh god okay” you hear Sam say as he finally manages to contain his composure. “Oh god, uh well…” he trails off, a moment of silence and dread overcomes the two of you. “It’s ok you guys have a bathroom in there we can try to get you out tomorrow morning.”

“What?” you and Jake exclaim simultaneously.

“Sam this isn’t funny get us out of here.”

“No can do buckaroo! Anyways you guys clearly need it.” he chimes in.

“Goodnight guys!” you hear a Josh call out as the three seemingly abandon you and go to bed.

Fucking hell.

You just stare at Jake’s back as he drops the handle onto the floor, turning around to face you for the first time since dinner. His eyes are tired. Tired in a different kind of way. He seems lost, yet still completely aware of the situation at hand.

“Hey,” is all he says. The only words spoken to eachother within the past 6 or 7 hours. You can only reply the same. You stand up as he walks towards the bed, sitting down on it’s edge. You examine the lone handle pitfully resting on the hardwood floors.

A silence lingers once more for a moment as you place the handle back down on the ground.

“We gave it a good shot didn’t we?”

He sits on the end of the bed, elbows on his knees with his hands clasped together, he rests his chin ontop of them. You can only look at the floor his shoes rest upon.

“We tried.”

You pause, finally looking back up at him. You see his face. His poor, poor, grief stricken face. He just stares at you, like a deer in headlights.

You finally let go, resting you back against the door as you slide yourself down to the floor.

“I still love you.”

“I do too.”

The response takes you by surprise. He didn’t-

No he couldn’t have. He cant just say that after everything that happened yesterday-

He stands up.

He slides down the wall and sits to your right. Silence overtakes you again. Your eyes meet again. You finally realize your cheeks have had tears running down them for the past minute. His are the same.

He bites his lip as he wraps an arm around you, pulling you into his heaving chest. His breath is shaky, no matter how hard he tries to hide it- it’s still there.

You finally let go as he presses a chaste kiss to your head. You cant help but let out a pained anz audible cry into him. He soon follows suit.

The two of you sit there. You don’t even know how long you cry in eachothers arms. A weirdly therapeutic and healing feeling comes from this. But in the end you still manage to look up at him again.

You see Jake.

Not the current him, silently cradling your body.

The old him.

The Jake you first kissed 13 months ago.

“Can we just pretend that nothing ever happened?” he asks, a pitiful smile appearing across his teary cheeks.

“I’d really like that.” is all you respond with. And it’s all that's needed.

You’re in his arms again.

A tighter grip is on you as he hugs you like a man scorned. You grip him too, the emotions becoming all consuming. You can’t help but sob in his arms as he rocks you back and forth in his arms, never wanting to let go.

You simply forget the passage of time there. Simply becoming too tired to cry and dry heave any longer. You finally look up at him, suddenly greeted with his smile. That godforsaken smile.

It’s irresistible. He looks perfect.

You kiss him for the first time in what feels like forever.

You indulge for several minutes, never wanting to leave him. Never wanting to leave eachother.

It’s moments like these where you realize how precious he really is. His love. His compassion. His- well, everything. Everything about him will never fail to knock the wind out of you.

You finally let go of the tension built up in your lips.

“I love you so much.” is all that escapes his lips.

“I love you too.”

A pause lingers in the air.

“I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to leave.” is all you say.

“Me either.”

“We tried.” you laugh out, causing him to break.

“We really did.”

“But some things you gotta learn the hard way, right?”

“Right.”

Crisis Hotlines

The Trevor Project.

LGBT National Youth Talkline

Trans Lifeline

Runaway Hotline

gays ruined the word hole for eternity

THE CROWN 2016

To do nothing is the hardest job of all. And it will take every ounce of energy that you have. To be impartial is not natural, not human. People will always want you to smile or agree or frown. And the minute you do, you will have declared a position. A point of view. And that is the one thing as sovereign that you are not entitled to do. The less you do, the less you say or agree or smile, the better.

AHHHHHHHHH

A New Flavor

Jake Kiszka x Reader (f)

Cw: SMUT including: fingering, oral (m and f) receiving, cum play, overstimulation, light spanking, I guess food-play technically?? Idk you'll see, it's nothing crazy, overall fluff and sweet domesticity

Word Count: 2.5k

“Jakeee, I'm trying to watch the show.”

You giggle as his nose tickles the skin of your neck and his arms wrap around you, cocooning you in your own world as the little spoon on the couch.

“You smell good.” Is his only reply and you can feel his lips curl into a smile as they gently press into your skin, then off with a little ‘pop’.

One of his arms moves to lay across your stomach, sending a shiver up your spine. His pointer finger draws circles in the exposed skin right around your belly button which only tickles more and you squirm away from his touch.

“Just wanna love on you y/n.” He says sleepily with a playful hint to his tone.

You turn to him so that your faces are inches away and you move closer to connect your lips. He hums approvingly as his mouth gently parts. His warm tongue slips past your lips and you move your hips closer to his. You can feel him hardening already.

He uses his hands to push himself up so he can reposition to be hovering over you. You take the new angle as the opportunity to part one leg to the side. He takes the hint and lowers himself so that he can slowly rock into your core.

His hand touches your waist and slides up to your chest. He cups your breast in his hand and squeezes as his soft thrusting begins to pick up. All the while his kissing, passionate but tamed stays steady and sweet like honey. You want to lap it all up.

You can feel yourself growing wetter along with the gradual thump of your heart increasing. You wonder if he feels it too. This energy and how fast it can shift between the two of you. Sometimes it feels like you share a brain, and a heart. The way you can make each other feel, just inside this little apartment, it’s unexplainable… It's magic.

He breaks away just for a moment and you finally open your eyes. He is staring back at you with a lazy smile on his face. His beautiful chestnut hair is ruffleed endearingly and it makes your heart skip a beat.

He’s Jake Kiszka and he’s all yours.

You notice for a moment something you hadn’t before. His mouth moves up and down in a chewing motion. He notices your confusion when he flashes you a toothfull grin, revealing the bit of gum he’s been chewing. You giggle a little and pull him by his collar. He’s obviously caught off guard and laughs before you pull him even closer to connect lips once again.

His body around you feels so right as he makes an effort not to crush you completely, (although you wouldn’t mind), but just adds a little weight. You allow your tongue to push into his mouth and scoop out the gum. You notice that it's hard and plasticy and it’s lost all its flavor, but if you really concentrate, you can taste the faintest flavor of strawberry.

Jake’s hips stop and you whine in protest. Your eyes open to find him smirking above you once more. 

“Give me the gum back.”

“Why?”

“Just trust me silly.”

You begin to pick the gum out of your mouth and hand it to him, but he stops you.

“C’mere.”

Realizing what he wants, you kiss him again, slow and meaningful as his tongue licks into your mouth and takes back the gum.

Jake sits back on his knees and his eyes travel down to where you’ve almost soaked through your panties and yoga pants. His eyes are glazed over like a man in love and he looks up for permission. You give him a little nod and his hands tease just above the waistline of your pants. You momentarily close your legs so he can slide off the pants before opening back up again.

He scoots back so he has room to lay down and he brings his face to the inside of your thigh. 

“Don’t make a sound.”

His stern face feigns seriousness, and maybe he is a little, but this is his favorite game. See how long you can go before it just feels too good. Before the sounds escape you and you can’t help yourself.

You brace yourself for his touch and when it comes you bite back a moan. His lips latch onto the meat of your thigh as he sucks in a mark. His other hand massages the opposite thigh moving up slowly. 

The rough pads of his fingertips feel so good against your soft skin, and you want to show him how good it really feels, but to entertain the game, you don’t make a sound.

His sloppy kisses trail up until they land right at the top of your panties. In a move that only slightly embarsasses you, he breathes in your scent and his eyes roll back.

“Y/n.” Is all he whines, sounding almost in pain.

His hands come up and not so gently pull the pink lace to the side. He can’t be bothered to remove them, he needs to taste you. Now.

With no warning his lips attach to your throbbing clit and you almost scream, but your teeth sinking into your bottom lip help muffle the sound. He shoots you a glance as if to say I know you want to moan for me. 

His eyes roll back again and a low hum escapes his lips, vibrating around you, making your hips buck up into his kiss.

“Hey why do you get to do that?” You tease.

His only response is a smile as his lips trail down to your entrance. His tongue, hot and soft delves inside you, curling upward as your legs close around his face. Your head falls back into the cushion as another moan is bitten back.

You realize how hard you’ve been biting down on your lip when you taste blood, and you quickly release your lip to instead grab fistfuls of his hair. He whines into your cunt with every tug, and you switch between stroking his hair to pulling just to hear the delicious sounds it evokes from him. 

His tongue continues to work at you, licking and sucking, getting sloppier by the second. You can feel yourself getting wetter, and when he breaks away to look at you, you can see his face shining with you in the light.

“You look pretty Jacob.” You sigh, completely entranced by him. 

“Pretty? Jacob?” He cocks a brow and smiles again.

You shrug and a small moan escapes you before you can hold it back when he delves back into you. He immediately stops and his hand comes down to smack your center. You cry out again and he delivers another slap making your legs tighten around his head. You can hear how wet you are just by his touch, and he pushes your legs back apart as his fingers trail down to your entrance and two are roughly shoved inside. 

“Fuckk.” 

He looks up suspiciously.

“Hey, that doesn't count!!” You reason.

“You really can’t ever shut up Y/n.” He shakes his head, but smiles to himself. You know he loves you.

“You love me so bad.”

“Yeah I do.” 

His mouth latches back onto your clit, suctioning it while his tongue slowly licks over it. This paired with his thick fingers stretching you and curling makes your eyes roll back, and for a second you can’t even find your words. When they do come out, they're breathy and desperate sounding in a way that makes his dick throb.

“Show me, show me how much Jake.”

His fingers pick up now, his whole hand pushing in and out while his fingers tuck into you, hitting that perfect spot that makes you wanna scream his name. You clasp your hand over your mouth when his teeth ghost over your aching clit, biting softly then licking over you while his whole tongue. It feels so warm against you, and soft, and wet, and you can feel yourself becoming undone.

You look down to watch him for a moment. He looks stunning. His hair is beginning to stick to his forehead with sweat, his eyes are shut tight, and brows furrowed in concentration, and you notice that his hips are slowly rocking into the couch, seeking their own friction. 

It’s hard to explain, but there's something so attractive about a man putting your needs first. The fact that he's more than willing, enthusiastic, to eat you out on the couch instead of fucking you. You imagine his dick is bursting out of his pants, desperate to feel you clenched around him, but instead his tongue laps over you while his fingers work away inside. 

You reposition your grip on his hair and he moans into you, sending vibrations straight through you. You pull him even closer, and he takes that as a cue to go even faster. His tongue is flicking over you up and down, side to side, everywhere, sloppily, hungrily getting you closer. You can tell he’s out of breath too, and he seems to be lost at this moment.

“Jake…” You gasp, feeling like you're unable to get air. “I’m gonna fucking cum, please, please… I’m so fucking close.”

His motions stop for just a second so he can come up for air and spit out, “You can make noise now.” Before diving back into you.

You let out a breath that sounds more like a whine, and as his fingers move faster, you allow yourself to moan his name. He seems to like that because his own hips are moving faster, chasing his own release. You say it again, slowly, drawn out, and loud. 

“You’re so good Jake.” You’re cut off by a whine when he sucks your clit harshly. “So so so so fucking good. All mine.”

Your legs are moving slowly now, all the pent up energy is making your whole body unable to stay still. You can feel yourself right on the edge, waiting for that moment that you’ll break. You feel on fire and every second brings you closer to burning up.

He removes his fingers and you whine in protest, but he quickly replaces them with his mouth. He laps up your arousal, audibly sucking it into his mouth, and maybe you should be embarrassed, but the way his hips momentarily falter, and a whine is drawn from his lips tells you that he fucking loves it.

The pads of his fingers quickly come up to draw circles around your clit as his tongue fucks into you. You try to keep your thighs from squeezing his head as he continues to work away at you. He lets out a grunt as his hips pick up the pace. 

His eyes open to meet yours and his brows are tilted up in pleasure. His eyes roll back and a low growl tumbles out of him as his hips thrust one, two more times. Then they stop, and his eyes return to yours, this time determined.

His fingers move even faster and in seconds you feel yourself finally coming undone. Your legs thrash around his face, trapping him as his tongue still moves inside you. Your head tilts back into the cushion and you hear yourself, far away groaning and whining his name, along with other incoherent curses that make his dick twitch.

His tongue laps up your release until you feel overstimulation start to take over. Your whines become sporadic and your legs shake and hands come to his head to try and push him away. But the look on his face tells you there's no stopping now. 

His tongue laps up every last drop of you, his fingers still tracing tight circles over your clit.

“Jake, fuck fuck, please please, it’s too much…”

Another moan of his name is pulled from your open mouth and finally his fingers slow and his mouth pulls off of you. His eyes travel to your thighs, shaking involuntarily and pussy still pulsing. He gently runs his fingers up your thigh, making them shake even more under his touch. He leans in to kiss your sensitive clit which makes you clench around nothing.

Your chest rises and falls heavily as your body begins to return to normal. He sits up and he too breathes heavily. His eyes meet yours as he slowly, and purposefully brings his fingers to his mouth to lick up every last drop of you. You bite your bottom lip between your teeth, trying not to moan again.

He puts his hands out to stalk closer to you before tilting up your chin so he can meet you in a kiss. It's slow, and breathy and you can feel how warm his mouth is. He breaks away to hover over you, just breathing slowly. His tongue licks a tantalizingly slow line from your bottom lip into your mouth. You meet his lips again and you both whine into each other before pulling away with a giggle. 

He sits back on his knees smirking, like he knows something you don’t. And it doesn’t take long before your cheeks burn brightly.

The gum is now in your mouth and you run your tongue along it. It tastes like you.

“How is it baby?” He asks, smile growing wider as you chew.

Instead of answering, you stand to your own knees and walk closer. He watches curiously as you curl your fingers into the waistband of his sweatpants. His breath hitches as you pull them down slowly, leaving him in just his boxers. There's a little wet spot where poor baby Jakey came in his pants, just so he could make you cum with his mouth. You pout up at him and cup your hand around him and look up as he slowly rocks his hips into your touch, lip between his teeth. 

You grab his hand and pull him to the side so he steps off the couch and stands in front of you. Now that you’re at eye level with his crotch, you pull down the boxers and find the cum covering his length. You slowly lean forward and wrap your lips around the tip. He hisses and weaves his hand through your hair. You slowly lick around it, gathering up his release with your soft tongue.

A low fuck escapes his lips as you clean him up inch by inch, making sure to gather every last drop. When you’re done, you step off the couch to stand in front of him. His hands instinctively grab your waist, pulling you flush against him as you meet his lips for a kiss. 

Your hands wrap around his shoulders as he kisses you sensually once more. You tilt your head when he tilts yours so that your mouths meet perfectly. Your eyes are closed and you hum into his mouth, making sure to transfer the gum back to him.

He pulls away knowingly and smirks as he looks down into your eyes.

“What?” You ask innocently, a small smile on your face.

“Nothing, it tastes like us.”

.

.

.

can we bring back virgin/inexperienced danny… cause i need to dry hump that man until he cums in his pants while whimpering and whining little “sorrys” into my neck…

Oh, I love this. That whiny, out of breath, higher pitched, "sorry, mmm sorry, I-I just couldn't help myself, so fucking pretty." He'd whimper into your neck. The stain of his cum on his briefs. Your ego would be out of this world, seeing a man like this cum without even touching you? Oh yeah. Yeah, I think that'd be plenty of fun. He'd want to make it up to you so badly, even though you're not even slightly upset. He wants so badly to taste you, and he would take to it like a fish to water. He'd get so hard just from tasting you, hearing you moan, knowing all this was just from his tongue. The way your hands grip his hair, how he'd have your legs shaking in no time at all. You'd giggle later while coming down from your climax, "you swear you've never done that before?" "Honest." He smiles, wiping the well-earned wetness from his cheeks and chin.

josh in a weighted throw net

based on @ofthecaravel tiny van fleet 🫶

Princess Diana’s looks in Season 5 of The Crown