In Love With These Looks

When the person you talk to about your problems is actually one of your problems 🙃

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by your side|  jj maybank x fem! reader

A/N: Hi! this is my first imagine and the first time i’ve ever written for any character. i have not edited this. this does include talk about SA and the trauma that comes with it. i am a survivor of SA. and im proud of all you angels, of all you survivors and fighters<3

warning/tw: swearing(i think), depression, SA

no smut, mostly angst with a little bit of fluff:)

summary:

Y/N struggles with the aftermath SA, and JJ is there to comfort her.

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2.1k+ word count

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The cries that echoed throughout Y/N’s bathroom as she sobered up were heart breaking. The young girl perched over the toilet puking her stomach’s contents out. The H/C haired girl’s face had become red and swollen from all the crying. Anxiety started to creep in as she thought about how she was going to hide the marks that littered her body. She was supposed to go surfing tomorrow, she was supposed to be okay, none of this should’ve happened. It’s okay, nothing happened, right? You’re just overreacting- were the thoughts that swirled through her head. She was in deep denial. She cleaned herself up as she stood looking at herself in the mirror, bruises were turning purple, and there were red hand marks that were imprinted right above her hips. The steam clouded the bathroom as she stood under the warm water, yet she didn’t feel clean, she felt dirtier than ever, she felt violated even when she was alone. Slowly she stopped crying and soon all she felt was numbness.

The next she woke up and continued on her routine as she usually would. Her mom was working the nightshift at the hospital and wouldn’t be home for a couple of more hours. She had 4 new texts from her friends and 5 missed calls. 

12:37am    Kie: Hey, where’d you go? 

1:02am     Kie: Well we’re heading back to the chateau… see you tomorrow for surfing(;

9:06am    Kie: Hey, you up? Where’d you disappear too last night?

9:26am   Kie: You’re not answering your calls. Did something happen last night???

You turned off your phone to do-not disturb mode after that. They can wait, you thought. You didn’t feel like faking being okay today. You spent the next few days zoning out, your sleeping was inconsistent, you had been going out of sleep. Your throat constantly felt dry, and your eyes had an itching sensation in the corners. Your face was puffy, and bags were starting to show under your eyes. You had turned off your phone a day and a half ago. You were currently sitting slouched on the couch, wearing an oversized grey hoodie that you had stolen from your brother before he headed off to college, a bowl of, now, luke-warm ramen was placed in your hands. You hadn’t moved from this position in over 40 minutes, just staring at the wall. You weren’t even thinking about anything, just complete numbness had taken over you.

A knock to the door had pulled you out of your rattled state. “One minute!” You yelled. You quickly changed into some jeans and put on a long sleeved floral blouse. You put your hair into a bun as you swiftly moved to get the door. You swung the door open, and were greeted with worried faces from the pogues. “Hi,” you quickly said while plastering a fake smile on. It was awkward silence for a bit. You shuffled to the side to let them in. “Where have you been?” spoke up Kie, a sense of irritation hinted in her voice. The rest of the group had sat themselves on the couch. “My mom got sick.. and I had to take care of her for a few days” You said avoiding eye contact with all of them. “Bullshit!” bursted JJ. “What?” you asked faintly, your voice nearly a whisper, yet an octave higher than usual. “We checked…” continued JJ. You looked at the others, a bit confused as to what JJ was talking about. “We went to the hospital to ask your mom where you had been.” Pope explained, while eyeing you. All their eyes were on you. You felt your throat tighten under their gazes. You cleared your throat before speaking, “ Ok, I’m sorry… I haven’t been in the mood for hanging out, y’know I just needed a little me time” You replied. “You could’ve just texted us that! Instead of us being worried sick about you!” Yelled JJ. You subtly flinched at his yelling. “I’m sorry…” you said quietly. “That’s it a sorry and a lame excuse? That’s all we get.” Boomed JJ while looking at you. You avoided eye contact. A couple of seconds later you heard footsteps start and then fade away. You glanced at where JJ had stood just a few seconds prior, and made eye contact with the other pogues, as you tried to find a way to tell them the truth… But nothing came out, you opened and closed your mouth, then opened and shut it again. Slowly they filtered out, until it was just you and Kie. You glanced at Kie only to be met with an upset stair. She left a few seconds later.The next week was hard, it was hard to get out of bed, and you were starting to feel lonely. Your mom hadn’t noticed as she was too busy with work. Of course you wanted to see the pogues again, but would they forgive you for lying to them, they all left upset last time you saw them. You decided you’d send Kie a text. 

You: Hey, sorry for what happened last week. We good?                        

 Kie: Yeah. You: Where y’all @? 

Kie: John B’s. You coming boating?

You: Yea. meet you guys down there in a few?

Kie: yup

You put on an oversized t-shirt and some shorts. You felt disgusted with yourself about what had happened the night of the party. The hand marks were gone but you could still feel his hands all over you, and the bruises had mellowed out but some still sat on the inner corner of your thighs and on your butt. Just act normal, and no flinching was your mantra. You met them by the boat. “Hey” you called out. You smiled, hoping they’d forget what happened last week. Pope and John B waved at you, while JJ and Kie merely glanced at you. Your smile faltered a bit at the sign of some resentment towards you. You hopped in the boat sitting yourself next to Pope, as John B started the HMS Pogue up. It felt refreshing to feel the sunshine on your skin again, and to hear the waves lapping over one another. You closed your eyes and basked in the sun, enjoying the moment and clearing your mind from your worries. “Hey Y/N, are you gonna jump in?” asked Kie, she was already in her swimsuit and ready to jump into the water. “ I’m okay” you responded, flashing her a smile. She eyed you suspiciously. You felt the others’ eyes on you. You leaned towards Kie and whispered, “It’s that time of the month.” You made up an excuse. You could tell she didn’t quite believe you. Kie jumped in while JJ opened a beer and proceeded to pass it to you, you shook your head. He eyed you suspiciously. You turned to Pope to start up a conversation. You and Pope had been talking for a bit, when Kie climbed back onto the boat. And you guys were off again. You headed toward the chateau.You laid in the hammock, closed eyes, oblivious to your surroundings. You didn’t hear JJ walking towards you until he had tapped you on the shoulder, causing you to jump. Your vision was blurry for a bit, and you were freaking out. You calmed down once you saw who it was clearly. It was JJ. Just JJ. He eyed you, concern written on his face. “Y/N… I was just coming to check on you.” “Oh I’m fine, just enjoying the sun…” You responded. You were starting to feel uncomfortable. “Umm… can you let the others know that I’m heading back?” You asked.“Uh… yeah.” JJ answered. “Ok, thanks” You replied, before walking towards the direction of your house. “Hey Y/N!” Hollered JJ. “Yeah?” You responded, turning around to face him. “You do know you can be honest with us, what’s been going on with you lately?” He said looking at you. “Nothing, just needed a little me time, like I said.” You flashed a smile at him reassuringly. “Ok, well… see you tomorrow.” “Sya” And with that you turned around.You saw them the next day, things were still off with you being there. But things got back to normal within a week. You went to the keggers, but never drank since you wanted to be sober. If anyone questioned you, you played it off claiming that you had already drank or saying you had to make sure everyone was okay. But soon you started showing up to less and less keggers, you found faking that you were fine to be exhausting. Everyone started to see that you were not fine, but they waited for you to tell them since they were your friends. But you kept it inside, and soon you started to feel sickened by yourself, wondering why you were so dramatic, nothing happened, you’re just being dramatic. You couldn’t handle yourself, you felt sick and worthless. You were still in denial. The marks had disappeared by now, but you still felt as if they were there, as if everything happened last night. You currently were at home drinking yourself away, hard liquor in hand. You hadn’t spoken to the pogues since the kegger, which had been two days ago. The door burst open but you barely even turned your head. “What the fuck Y/N?!” Yelled JJ at the sight of you drinking. It was obvious that you had drunk more than half of the bottle by now. “Y/N where have you been? We couldn’t reach you again!” Said Kie. Oh they were furious, but most of all worried. You looked up at them, your face was puffy from crying. Your eyes were bloodshot too. You didn’t speak. “Y/N/N…” Tears started to well around your eyes at the worried voice of the blonde boy. “What happened? Why are you crying” Said JJ crouching to your level where you sat at the counter. You were on the verge of a breakdown again. “Hey, hey, don’t cry, please don’t cry…” Begged JJ. “I…” You croaked out. But you couldn’t, you were scared and for what you didn’t know. That was the hardest part… telling someone. “I was drunk and…” you paused trying to find it in yourself to tell them, “and well…I wasn’t fully myself.” You glanced at Kie. You could see the wheels starting to turn in her head. And there it was the look you hated seeing… pity. You averted your eyes from her stare. Tears started to pour down even more. You stared at your lap, not wanting to see the pity on their faces. “Y/N, I am so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?” “I don’t know…” You replied to Kie. JJ looked at Kie looking for an explanation, but all she did was give him an I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you type of stare. “Hey JJ, can you give us a second?” Pleaded Kie. “Uh… yeah” he said unsurely. JJ exited the room, and Kie made sure he wasn’t near. “Listen, I know it’s hard, and I’m really sorry… I had no idea Y/N.” “It’s okay” you responded quietly. “But…” Kie continued grabbing your hands and rubbing circles on them, “you need to tell him, I promise it’ll help.” You nodded. “M’kay… I will.”“Hey JJ, you can come in now.” Signalled Kie. You glanced at Kie, and whispered her goodbye. When you looked back JJ was standing in front of you a few feet away. “So are you gonna tell me?” Pushed JJ. “Yeah…” You said quietly before pausing “JJ?” You glanced up at him. “Yeah?” “I… I was raped” you barely croaked out. The feeling of your throat contracting signalled that you were having a panic attack, your breathing becoming shallow. JJ moved near you to help calm you down, you flinched back. He looked hurt. “Ok, breathe, breathe, everythings okay… I’m right here,” JJ said helping, “I’m right here, everythings okay.” You were starting to calm down, your breathing returning back to normal. “J…” He wrapped his arms around you. “Hey, it wasn’t your fault,” he pulled back, grabbing the sides of your face between his hands. “It wasn’t your fault, I promise.” He said still maintaining eye contact. You stayed silent. “I’m so sorry that this happened Y/N.” You leaned on him, exhausted from the past months. “We love you Y/N L/N, and I promise we’ll always be there for you.” Your head fell into the nook between his neck and shoulder. And with that JJ pressed a kiss against your forehead. The pogues would always be there for you. And JJ would always stand by your side.

𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆/𝒓𝒆𝒃𝒍𝒐𝒈 𝒊𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒅/𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆𝒅

I-

🥺

Tbh, show me a guy in guyliner and there’s an 90% chance I’m going to simp for him

Why is AO3 always fully funded you ask? Because AO3 goes down unexpectedly on a Friday night and everyone loses their goddamn minds. Who are we without AO3 but shells of ourselves?

All in all, I’ll say that I’m satisfied with the way SNK ended.

What brought me to this fandom was the fact that all the characters seemed so human to me— There was no “I’m gonna die here like a hero for the sake of my comrades”; they died with fear, with thoughts of “why me?” and even when Carla was about to die and was glad that Hannes took her children away, she still muttered to herself “don’t go...” because who on earth really, REALLY wants to die alone and away from those who you love? I can say for a fact that I would have been heartbroken and would wish to have them with me at the very end.

Because that’s how we are, people. We are humans, and we are selfish and we cry and sometimes wish for things that we shouldn’t.

I have read a lot of people who said that Eren is toxic for not wanting Mikasa to move on—But I really needed to see him being human and just wanting the girl he loves to remind him.

(Disclaimer—I’m not a shipper of EM or whatever; I’m here for the story).

He did all of those things, terrible things, so that his friends could truly be free and happy while giving up the opportunity of himself being with the woman he loved; and you all are calling him a complete and utterly selfish person for thinking “I don’t want her to forget me and move on—I want her to keep loving me” ?

Of course that’s a thought that hurts; he gave up all of those things: happiness, love, friendship, honor, loyalty... And there was absolutely no recompense to him at all. (Yes, his friends are alive and free but I’m talking about his life directly).

I’m not excusing him. All those things were horrible and everyone can see that. None of it changes the fact that he ended up being the “evil” that ultimately brought them all together—But that’s the thing, isn’t it? He willingly took it upon himself just so he could grant them the “freedom” he desperately wanted.

The idea of Mikasa moving on with someone else, forgetting about him and just—leaving him (in a sense) all alone must have been really painful.

Just because someone wants to be “the bigger person” or “a good person” *Armin laughed in the background* doesn’t magically turns you into one and, in the end, what really matters is that when being for the last time with her, Eren said he wanted her to forget about him and move on. To live a long life and be happy.

He didn’t told her “please don’t forget about me, please keep loving me” ‘cause that would’ve been just wrong and Mikasa deserves to move on and be happy in the end; we all know that she would’ve been devoted to him (as always) had he said the word— He didn’t.

Let the poor guy have some selfish thoughts for once in the company and intimacy of his best friend, for gods sake.

There’s so much to say about this ending that doesn’t entirely revolves around Eren, but I just wanted to be somehow a defender of the principal reason I liked SNK in the first place.

We are selfish—even while we want to be all altruistic and “good”.

We are human.

Learn to live with it.

check out my finnick x oc fic on ao3. its silver linings by kaiyapapaya

Amazon’s casting choices don’t reflect the true racial diversity in Tolkien’s works and are focused on tokenism over real efforts to tackle the flaws in the text and make an inclusive vision of Arda

Amazon’s one major POC actress is playing a role that canonically involves her throne and her power being stolen from her by a genocidal colonizer who wants to exterminate the religious minority she’s part of

Amazon fired their Tolkien consultant and their unsafe set conditions caused the injuries of stuntpeople

Amazon as a company is unethical, directly opposed to progressive causes, and openly emotionally manipulating viewers to get them to watch the show

Amazon has done more real harm to actual people of color and other marginalized groups than their efforts to include nonwhite actors in relatively small or stereotypical roles can address

Amazon’s promotional materials for this show treat fans of color as props to further their agenda

REPOST THIS ANYWHERE YOU LIKE AS OFTEN AS YOU LIKE.