Alles War Umsonst

Happiness.

Sitting at work asking yourself, why you even get paid for this. One of my clients brought me free sushi he got from a neighbour volunteering for a foodsharing service. :D

I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin. Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we’d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be part of its miracle. This is how we heal. I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found you. And I will not be afraid of your scars. I know sometimes it’s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know: whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousand questions, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane.

Clementine von Radics

And yet I adore him. I think he’s quite crazy, and with no place or occupation in life, and far from happy, and philosophically irresponsible – and there is absolutely nobody like him.

Vladimir Nabokov, Ada or Ardor: A Family Chronicle (via quotespile)

Laß dich, Geliebte, nicht reun, daß du mir so schnell dich ergeben! Glaub es, ich denke nicht frech, denke nicht niedrig von dir. Vielfach wirken die Pfeile des Amors: einige ritzen, Und vom schleichenden Gift kranket auf Jahre das Herz. Aber mächtig befiedert, mit frisch geschliffener Schärfe Dringen die andern ins Mark, zünden behende das Blut. In der heroischen Zeit, da Götter und Göttinnen liebten, Folgte Begierde dem Blick, folgte Genuß der Begier. Glaubst du, es habe sich lang die Göttin der Liebe besonnen, Als im Idäischen Hain einst ihr Anchises gefiel? Hätte Luna gesäumt, den schönen Schläfer zu küssen, O, so hätt ihn geschwind, neidend, Aurora geweckt. Hero erblickte Leandern am lauten Fest, und behende Stürzte der Liebende sich heiß in die nächtliche Flut. Rhea Silvia wandert, die fürstliche Jungfrau, den Tiber, Wasser zu schöpfen, hinab, und sie ergreifet der Gott. So erzeugte die Söhne sich Mars! — Die Zwillinge tränket Eine Wölfin, und Rom nennt sich die Fürstin der Welt.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

<3

I wish we’d gotten along better. I wish it would’ve been a little longer, but it seems 30 years is all it took to break me. We had an immensely exquisite time, didn’t we? I’ll always cherish it from the very bottom of my wicked heart. Adieu villainous world. ~

Action alone is thy province, never the fruits thereof; let not thy motive be the fruit of action, nor shouldst thou desire to avoid action

Mahatma Gandhi

Aotearoa

Überall war ich schon, doch nichts reicht an dich heran.

Ich vermisse dich, du sanfte, grausame, unzähmbare Schönheit! An diesem Tage mehr, als je zuvor.

Komm zurück zu mir und mach, dass ich wieder fröhlich bin. Öffne mein Herz und lass Wonne heraus. Blute mich aus, so es sein muss.

Wo ist diese Leichtigkeit? Wer hat sie mir genommen?

Ach wie schön ist Panama.

Compassion is the same way,' Joshua said. 'That's what the yeti knew. He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without though or words. That's what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell.

Lamb – Christopher Moore

Normality

One of my best friends called me odd, whimsical, even eccentric at times. He asked me, not to take it the wrong way because I'm special hence I'm allowed to be. I was so flattered but it made me think.

I used to try so hard to be normal. I tried to be like everyone else and failed miserably. Then the coping mechanisms kicked in and I renounced every social convention - everything normal. Don't get me wrong, I never tried to be myself, but I was as different as possible. Looking back now, I was the kangaroo from the kangaroo chronicles and it was fun, it still is.

Schools of therapists tried to teach me the basic skills needed to live a happy life but not my happy life. In their arrogance they tried to mould me into one of those people I detest so so so much. Reflecting on it, it's exactly what I do with my clients. I hate it. What if they just want to be their own version of the kangaroo? Is that who I want to be? The guy living his dreams, travelling the world, trying to take as big a dump on the man and society as possible, but telling other people to adapt? And if so, how much is the right amount?

But the most pressing question is: Did I turn into one of them? I used to live by a rule, I'm not sure who said it, but knowing me, some philosopher. If you find yourself on the side of the majority, stop and reflect. I argue within the system. Just like politicians unable to see, there are different ways of doing things. Ways outside of a capitalistic oppressive society. Instead of fighting me/us on changing the world, I was lulled into their world. I have a decent job, make okay money, study in my free time and shut the fuck up because I'm fed, stressed and all in all happy.

What am I to conclude now? What can I do? What will I do? It remains to be seen. I'll start by being myself some more, even if that means running headfirst into some walls. But most importantly I'll keep using the train. It's just the best way to get around whilst being able to think.