"You Were The Light In My Eyes. The Sweet, Warm Fire That Made Me Glow. It Was All For You, Every Shallow

“I’m his, im still his.” I stare at the brown eyes in the mirror, thinking about how similar they are to his, like I do every time I look in the mirror. It’s been a while since ‘the break up’ , i’ve felt other lips, been in other arms, and yet, he’s still the only one that can make me feel really there, really alive. I still dream of his stupid smile and the old scars on his arm made with time. I still sing his name to the drunken moon and wear his shirt to bed. Nobody knows, to them, im free and happily single, but really, im still his.“

my hearts thoughts

Can it please finally be the first day I don't think of you? I've been waiting forever to let you go.

- My Hearts Thoughts

"All you can do is take the good days and hug them like pillows until you have so many you can build a fort and keep yourself safe"

My Hearts Thoughts (12:55 am 7/26/17)

"I've loved you so much, too bad I still do. If I didn't, we'd be friends."

- My Hearts Thoughts

You moved on...I'm stuck

- My Hearts Thoughts

We both have stories to bury and none of us really know how deep we should dig. The dog keeps bringing the bones back home: he wants to play with our dead, he wants us to toss them just to see them come back again.

And here's how the story goes: I say there is nothing I wouldn't do for you.

You say there is nothing to be done.

I cannot carry the weight of your heart. I cannot carry it with me, it's too much.

So I'll throw it away, I will leave it behind, & I will offer the hole in my chest to another soul, one day, if they are in need of a place to land at the same time.

You say there is no time, only what we choose to do with it.

Good luck. Goodbye. Like sail boats; we’ll shimmy down the stream. It's been a year & I'm still waiting for that night to burn.

& here's how the story goes: everything ends up under the cathedral stones,

everything ends up right where we left it,

And I cannot walk past the old town without it tugging at my clothes.

"My mistake was never loving him. It wasn't the times I cried over him;

It was all those times he apologized and I gave him a 'second chance', letting him hurt me more as if I was a punching bag for him to push his stresses into.

Never let it get that far.

Never."

- My Hearts Thoughts

“Dogs don’t know what they look like. Dogs don’t even know what size they are. No doubt it’s our fault, for breeding them into such weird shapes and sizes. My brother’s dachshund, standing tall at eight inches, would attack a Great Dane in the full conviction that she could tear it apart. When a little dog is assaulting its ankles the big dog often stands there looking confused — “Should I eat it? Will it eat me? I am bigger than it, aren’t I?” But then the Great Dane will come and try to sit in your lap and mash you flat, under the impression that it is a Peke-a-poo… Cats know exactly where they begin and end. When they walk slowly out the door that you are holding open for them, and pause, leaving their tail just an inch or two inside the door, they know it. They know you have to keep holding the door open. That is why their tail is there. It is a cat’s way of maintaining a relationship. Housecats know that they are small, and that it matters. When a cat meets a threatening dog and can’t make either a horizontal or a vertical escape, it’ll suddenly triple its size, inflating itself into a sort of weird fur blowfish, and it may work, because the dog gets confused again — “I thought that was a cat. Aren’t I bigger than cats? Will it eat me?” … A lot of us humans are like dogs: we really don’t know what size we are, how we’re shaped, what we look like. The most extreme example of this ignorance must be the people who design the seats on airplanes. At the other extreme, the people who have the most accurate, vivid sense of their own appearance may be dancers. What dancers look like is, after all, what they do.”

— Ursula Le Guin, in The Wave in the Mind (via fortooate)

We got married last February btw, we're free from so many things now and we're doing our best with our current issues. But y'all, we're doing it! Just because things seem impossible now doesn't mean life won't find a silly way to give you the love you deserve. 💖

“I need you so much…

I just want to curl my fingers in the hem of your shirt and bury myself in you…

But that’s hers to do…

Not mine…

You’ll never be mine…

To need…

Especially not the way I need you.”

- My Heart’s Thoughts

You were my sunlight. I now live in a forever darkness. Yet, my love for you still burns as much as the sun. I'll always be yours, even if you're not mine.

- My Hearts Thoughts