Just Yesterday, Already Tired, I Tried To Go To Sleep But I Felt Like I Literally Forgot How To Fall

somehow, amazingly, i have hacked the impulse that makes me mindlessly scroll on my phone. it's not gone but i've paired it with a conscious thought process that goes like, "what's my goal here? i'm looking for entertainment, for information, for something that makes me feel more optimistic and interested in the world i live in..."

and because that kicks in between apps, too, i'm not doomscrolling as much. i'm intentionally seeking out posts or videos or whatever that actually mean something to me. when i'm not satisfied i walk away or pick up a book instead. most subtle yet impactful change i've gone through in years

i did not intentionally set out to change this. i've just been working on my mindset in general. hey, turns out having a good therapist again helps

So, I went to go talk to a “prescriber” yesterday about adhd medication, but the lady who spoke to me was condescending, infantilizing and don’t think she knew what she was doing? (when asked her about food to avoid with adhd meds, she said “oh, I don’t know anything about that. I can check online, though.” o-0 concerning) anyway, when talking lady was pushy for me to go on a lisdexamfetamine when I just wanted the concerta, but she kept mentioning that some people find adhd medication “changes” them and they find the change hard to deal with, sometimes they take different type of adhd medication that helps get everything done in morning that need to be done but then can feel more like themself in the evening? So I needed to be careful, and to watch how the medication makes me feel as a person.

Is this a bad thing to say? Never heard about adhd medication changing a person… Is it true? I’m lost, don’t know why she kept saying it

PUT YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CAR WINDOW! IT IS HOT OUTSIDE AND YOU NEED TO FEEL THE WIND! BLOW THE THOUGHTS RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD! FUCK BEING MATURE! THERE ARE TREES AND SKY AND AIR AND NO ONE CAN STOP YOU! PUT! YOUR! HEAD! OUT!

Oh no, this post isn't perfect

But it's sooo so good

Reblogging it before it's lost

in internet posts it is easy to cut them out of your life. they are hurting you! they aren't listening to you!

they held your hair back. they lent you lipstick. they held your hand at the train station and got you home safe. they rounded on your bully, got loud, said get fucked, spitting-mad in your defense.

they also cut the hair off again. told you that you should really think twice before wearing something like that. took you for granted. took your insecurities and threw them in your face again.

you know logically it should be easy. all the internet advice comments always read it will feel better. like an equation - if a person is rotten, you just remove them. you pull the tooth that's hurting.

but it was never a big flare-up moment. you don't live in a sitcom. they never tried to take your boyfriend or steal from your apartment. they showed up to birthdays and they wrote songs about you and bring you water without you asking. once you found out they carry an emergency inhaler for you, even though you haven't had an asthma attack in years - just in case.

where is the line? people fuck up. sometimes they fuck up badly. sometimes people have raw personalities, like a powerline, and being around them is dangerous. addicting. sometimes they can't help themselves, but you know they're trying. sometimes they are just rough-around-the-edges. sometimes they don't even realize how they sounded when they said that. sometimes it's just - you've both loved each other for so long now, the way this thing hurts goes back to the root.

and that's the fucked up part. you have pushed your fingers against the sweetheart of memory. things these days are electric, tense, harrowing. they didn't used to be. there were a lot of good days in there. sometimes you want to just close your eyes and say can this be over yet? do we still need to be fighting?

doing that would give up any chance you get of getting an apology, but you don't always know that you need an apology, you love them. once they flaked on your birthday party. once they told you to get over it, people are always dying. they also let you crash on their couch for a week after the breakup, handfeeding you when you were so sad you couldn't eat. they are also judgmental about everything, occasionally react to banal statements with an attitude that is weird and fiery. they also love you like a lighthouse sometimes, so strong they cut the storm like lightning.

but the problem is that you might be storm. you might be the thing that needs breaking. what if you are two forces who are desperately, horribly drawn to each other, shaped by the other person's passions, and both good for each other and bad in equal measure.

what if you're both just people, and you're no saint neither.

just cut them off! swallowing the saltwater, you catch yourself in the mirror. you've been shaking more than usual. there's an ache in you that is oblique, loud, impossible to soothe. is this what it looks like? when life is "easier"?

your mouth will always have a hole, is the thing, if you remove the tooth.

Technically it's Codexful Backpack

things i always keep in my backpack: 

the bible (king james edition)

a copy of the U.S. consitution

a copy of my school’s current rulebook

i do this so that whenever someone at school tries to make a point and then defends it by saying ‘it’s in the constitution!’ or ‘it’s from the bible!’ or something else along those lines, i can pull out my own copy and say, ‘where exactly does it say that?’

also it’s just great to confuse people by pulling a fucking book of school rules out of nowhere in order to discuss what qualifies as a dresscode violation.

lemme suck on that adhd i’ve been taking meds

bro lemme get a little suck on that penis you know i have adhd

The Secret Compound is Seven

Remember that time on Star Trek, when space predators enslaved human crew, and forced them to fight virtual nazis, but then virtual French resistance blew up a hole in the holodeck and the French invaded spaceship’s Astrometrics?

This is the best post!

Depictions of autistic characters in media almost always fall into the "insanely rude but somehow tolerated" -type, or more rarely into the "innocently pure sweet cinnamon roll who's oblivious about everything uwu"-cathegory, but I think it would be great to have a character somewhere who is very clearly on the spectrum, and also this dude fucks. Like, a lot. You start out assuming that this guy's remarks about how much he regularly gets laid are some sort of a self-deprecating, sarcastic joke, but as the story goes on and you get to know the characters better, it becomes evident that not only are women drawn to him everywhere he goes, clearly the ladies also keep coming back for seconds.

And when someone wonders how in the fuck does he do that when he literally can't look people in the eyes he just goes "they are enthralled by my pure animal energy and unfathomble autism" and isn't joking. And when asked why nobody else has managed to replicate that he just goes "skill issue." And throws out the note that a woman just handed to him - with her number clearly written on it - right in front of her because talking to two people at once is overwhelming and he is not in the mood for that now.