"Naked Glamour" (0002)

jai photographed by @alexdrogers

Excavation

I was on alert from the start of the episode and wasn't quite sure why. As the show continued and one of the characters said something very triggering, I had to pause the show and walk away to compose myself. Her own parent was attempting to place the culpability of her sexual abuse on her eight year old daughter as opposed to the grown-ass man who perpetrated the abuse. I was furious and upset feeling betrayed, because I too felt blamed for things that adults should have been figuring out and protecting me from.

There were some differences and similarities between her and I, she didn't remember her abuse, I clearly recalled mine. She was the oldest of a trio of children. #same Her family was clearly wealthy, whereas mine wasn't even remotely affluent. We were both a single digit age when the abuse started. Our abusers were both non-family members.

She struggled to keep jobs constantly quitting, whereas I had a tendency to prefer freelance or contract assignments that were limited in length, not ever really committing to any one business or company. We both kept folks in our lives at a polite distance never really getting too close to anyone or anything.

We both didn't have proper context for our abuse, I didn't realize I was abused until I was her same age having at first thought the abuse was some right of passage. Hers happened as she slept with her only recalling a clear instant where her abuser lied to her about something he was doing.

She had very short-lived romantic relationships, the last time I dated was two thousand seven. She struggled with substance abuse, I resolved myself to have unprotected sex with multiple partners, we were both self-harming in our own ways and not completely understanding the reasons why.

This episode made me aware that albeit I thought I was doing better mentally, that I too like this character was still effected by my childhood sexual abuse. Like her, my abuse happened when I was in bed, and one thing I did notice was my sexual behaviors as an adult were mirroring and recreating the abuse over and over.

As a child my abuser came to my bed and fellated me and then had me fellate him, when he finished he would go back to bed. As an adult I would have men come to my house and fellate me, then I would have penetrative sex with them until I finished, then I would want them to leave. I had done this close to a thousand times and never saw there was a clear pattern and that it was connected to something from my past.

After finally noticing this pattern I decided to abstain from further sexual relationships around two-thousand twelve, with the intention of resetting my relationship to intimacy and sex.

I have noted some of the incongruence of some of my friendships especially when I was younger and how unhealthily co-dependent they were in a lot of ways blurring the lines between plutonic and romantic relationships. It took me decades to break that pattern also not realizing this too was connected to my abuse and the hyper-sexual behavior I had as a teen and young adult.

In the end the young woman got justice and her abuser was punished for his actions. Whereas the last interaction I had with my abuser was an invitation to his wedding that I turned down at the time for financial reason, but in hindsight I think I knew we had unresolved business that needed to be discussed and if that wasn't happening I wasn't going to pretend to support and encourage a relationship with a woman whom I had never met and wasn't sure if she knew of her future husband's past.

I never got justice. I never got to hold my abuser accountable for his actions. This abuse was a private shame that not even many folks know about, and its what made this episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit very healing for me. Through this characters vindication I got a little bit of resolution myself.

[Photo by Brown Estate]

A hair affair. 😍😍