Hadrianthomas - Hadrian's Insides

call me angel bc i should be dead

“If you live to be a 100, I want to live to be a  100 minus one day so I never have to live without you.”

Growing up my parents taught me that if you’re too sick to [insert responsibility here] then you’re too sick to [insert something that makes you happy here].

It took me a really long time to unlearn this. When I would get sick or have a “bad day” I would deprive myself of anything that made me happy. Watching movies, eating something I enjoyed, going for a walk, playing video games or just browsing online looking at funny cat videos. I wouldn’t let myself do these things because I was always told that if I’m too sick to go to work, or do homework, or go to school then I must be too sick to play Mortal Kombat or watch Unsolved Mysteries lol.

Whenever I wouldn’t feel good, which I later learned as an adult was due to sleep deprivation caused by my ADHD and depression (and of course the depression itself would cause me to feel like shit), my parents would tell me “if you’re not throwing up, then you’re not sick.” And when I would stay home from school (or even work in my later teen years) my parents would make sure that I didn’t have any “fun.” No TV, no movies, no games, no going outside, no arts and crafts, no books, no nothing. Just lay in bed and feel miserable.

I’m happy to say that I no longer do this to myself. Now when I’m having a bad day or I’m sick (cold, flu or whatever) I allow myself to do the things (within reason lol) that I actually love doing. If I’m not too sick to step outside for a few minutes then I’ll go for a walk. I’ll watch my favorite movies and if it’s a bad day or a cold (something that doesn’t hinder my appetite too much) I’ll eat my favorite foods. I don’t guilt trip myself anymore for having a “sick day.”

Just because you’re sick (whether physically, emotionally or mentally) doesn’t mean that you can’t do things you enjoy. You’re not any less sick because you watch TV. You’re not any less sick because you’re playing video games. 

Actually you SHOULD be doing these things when you’re not feeling good because they make you feel better. The better you feel, the faster your heal. 

Opposite siblings

most of the time when I say I can’t remember something, it’s not always that I’m trying to avoid talking about it- I just literally cannot remember. I have no idea how to remember or what to do. sometimes I try to fill the gaps with vague memories- or even small white lies just to get by- and maybe put faith in a life I will probably never remember.

nobody but you

“Thousands have lived without love, not one without water.”

Beyond repair

“Words don’t come out when you’re hurt that deeply.”

— Haruki Murakami

Forever Lost