Yet Another Reminder That Faking Is A Conscious Choice That You Make.

Living with Chronic pain is so weird.

In every quiet moment there’s pain.

If some asks me how I am I usually say ‘fine’ or ‘good’ or ‘a bit tired’

because those are easier to say than ‘I’m in a lot of pain’ ‘I’m this close to passing out’ ‘if I move to quickly I will throw up’ 

and sometimes when people say ‘How are things going?’ 

I shrug and say ‘the usual’

and they assume that means everything’s fine because for them that is the usual

but for me the usual is pain.

I recently went on a touristy vacation where I knew we were going to be walking a lot so I brought the cane I have with me. Mind you it was a 3ish week long vacation in a foreign country. I had bought a cane maybe a year before even though my doctor didn't think I needed it because "you could just sit down or not walk for long distances instead" and "you're too young to use a cane". So naturally I ignored her and followed my disabled friend's advice instead and bought a cane. But I barely used it because I got in my own head about not reaaally needing it and other internalised ableism stuff. Also people staring didn't help.

Fast forward to the vacation where I used it religiously. And it helped soo much! I noticed I could walk farther and walk for more days in a row, because my pain levels were lower. It helped so much that I could no longer justify not using it to myself.

Now it's 6 weeks later and I use my cane everyday.

That one night where Australia is one of us

shaking myself (very gently) . being in pain takes a lot of energy!!!!!! being in pain is exhausting!!!!!!! you are not lazy or weak because you need to spend so much time resting, this is your body coping with how much pain you’re in literally 24/7!!!!!!!!!

listen I ended up regretting saying anything about this on my old blog because people will interpret literally any and every statement maliciously on this hellsite but I want to start like. a helpline for people who are like “hey I pretty much only read YA but I’m like 22 now and don’t relate to teenagers as much, it’s such a shame that there are no fun books written for adults :(” because boy HOWDY are there some fun books for adults 

“Don’t let your disorder define you”

Okay but do you support the people whose disorders do define them?

Do you support people with the chronic illnesses who have had to develop whole lives around their conditions? Do you support the intellectually disabled people whose whole way of thinking is defined by their disorder? Do you support the people with personality disorders who literally have a disorder as a personality? Do you support the autism/ADHD people whose disorder you can’t separate from who they are? Do you support the DIDOSDD people who have multiple definitions of themselves because of their disorder?

Or are you just saying that because a disorder defining someone means you can’t ignore it.

MÅNESKIN WORLD DOMINATION

You are sick. And you do not deserve it.

But Deserve ain’t got nothing to do with it. People live, people get hurt. Sickness is a part of us and intrinsically tied in with our souls. The same evolutionary pressures that made you love a cuddle and kiss on the cheek lead to disability and pain. You don’t get one without the other. All the beauty in the world and all the capacity to harm are tied together as lovers, the rose and the briar becoming one. It’s joyous and it’s worth it, every moment. It’s hard and it’s bullshit and it’s the toll of living that evolution takes. All life is built on death, and the endless cycle requires that we give back. That we return what is given.

And this is how we have returned to the earth for a million centuries.

So I will not resent eternally being sick, because I cannot resent the way it feels to love and to hold and to paint and to kiss.

❤️❤️❤️

Someone once said to me, “I hope the pain eases soon.” It struck me as the purest blessing that had ever been offered over my head - I hope the pain eases soon. It’s so gentle, so kind, so hopeful. So to everyone who’s hurting: I see how hard you’re trying, and I hope your pain will ease soon.