A Few Years Ago, Before The Troubles, Before The Pointing And Bickering, And long Before I Was The Always

A few years ago, before the troubles, before the pointing and bickering, and long before I was the always shifting fragmented images you all like to believe you know... Long before all of that mess I happened to be laying on a small couch. I was in the daggy, cold, and yet cozy basement of an dorm in San Fran, where a photo was taken of me as I laid. I wouldn't had thought that I'd be noticed, franky I've forgotten that at my heart I'm "antisocial". I've grow to reconize how much I where my heart on my sleeve that the memory of such instances seem to take on a new form. I have never been one to be upfront, I dont know how to be and I'm too afraid to do so. I grew up in conditions that forced me to be that way, to mumble when I want to scream, to smile when crying is all I can bare, to help when I want to die, to survive even when doing so brings only more pain to me. The darkness inside of me, that antisocial divide within, that was my soul, the part of me I locked away as I lead a life to blend and "socialize" with people even when I haven't the slightest go-damn clue how to do so... I come off as intense, overly serious, angry, dramatic, stupid, whatever that the title of the day happens to be... Yet, I'm only acting how I dreamt I'd be. I am the man I dreamt to be, but sadly reality doesn't sit well with my childhood dreams, for the friends, the adventures, and even the affections I've wanted to experierence all came with many burns and scars. To the youth in me, my idea of good future for myself was someone who wasn't on the corner smoking crack and who would always try to be with his friends to the very end, and that maybe if I was caring and strong enough I'd reach the point where people would come to respect that, and I'd be able to make friends who wouldnt use me, or hurt me, or make fun of me. I never had the pleasure of being alone, I was always alone. Talking to myself, talking to things I could never be sure were there, talking and dreaming and thinking of the things and people I'd become involved with my future. In school I was weird, akward, ugly, a mutt, a retard, a fag, so many words and abusive actions where used against me even before I could understand them. I was the pasting fancy, I'd have friends for maybe two weeks at most, the new kids who'd quickly realize my status and leave me. Yet, when I think of these times I realize how much I didn't mind, things were always better. I was always getting stronger, and in a way I am... You see this picture means so much to me because this was where my life changed, and I started to gain what I've become now, I'm still antisocial, a freak, ans a oddity sure... but at least I'm more human then the programed robots I meet now... So I guess what I'm trying to say is that everyone has a snapshot, maybe a self pic, or a family photo, or maybe a picture from someone you grew to love... No matter what always be willing to keep going, to always want the best for others, and to always be willing to forgive- breathing the winds of creation and peace from the torrent of both flaming hate and chilling watery love...