God Will Weep

As I put my elbow on the table and the hand under my mastoid bone and grab at my short hair I stop and think

wow okay, that felt strangely feminine why did I do that

Tell Me What You Want

Am I who you want me to be?

Am I who you need?

Am I who you want to share food with?

Am I who you like?

Is this effort sufficient?

Should I put in more?

Is this emotion the correct one?

Should I use another?

Are these words the right ones?

Should I say a little less?

Are these motions the best ones?

Should I move a little less?

Tell me what you want me to be.

Caring? Angry? Happy? Sad?

Tell me what you need me to be.

Supportive? Detached? Blunt? Soft?

Please, just tell me what you want.

I live only to serve.

How Much of Me Is the Real Me

How much of me is the real me

and how much is what you put in there?

How much of me is what I really really want

and how much is what you've told me to want?

What part of me is the real, genuine article

and what part is the seeds you've planted?

What part of me is my blood, sweat, and tears

and what part is the loan you gave to a grave with my name on it?

Which notes in my melody come from my own mind and thought

and which notes are copied from a song I already forgot?

Which notes in my melody are beautiful, strong, soft, and cheery

and which notes are the discord you've sown?

What part of me is the part gives and seeks love?

and what part is the one that hates all it sees?

What part of me is the part that I should keep?

and what part should I leave behind?

How much of me is the real me?

and how much is your god-damned meddling?

I Have Not Changed

I still carry

that fear of you

of your dissappointment and

anger.

I still fail

to see what is important

what I need to be doing and

how I can do it better.

I still wait

for salvation to deliver me

instead of moving my own

two legs to walk

I still think

that I can fix myself

even though time has shown that

I cannot get up alone.

I still hope

to never be a burden

nevermind the burden I am

to the world I take from.

I still allow

my passions to be tainted

by approval, by fear, by time

as I run myself ragged for you.

I still shudder

when I hear a ping

wondering whether it is praise

or deep, vitriolic scorn

I still fear

that the beautiful, wonderful, spectacular people around me

will retract their blessings

and leave me godless.

I still fear that I am not worth a second of your time.

Me talking to the therapist voice in my head

"okay, so what do you say when someone says they're not worth anything"

"Who the hell says they're worthless I'll fight them" "Alright, now what should you think when you're the one that feels like you're worthless" "Well I'd be right, I am worthless" "no-"

Loneliness

A tree falls

Nobody around to hear

It makes a sound.

But it doesn’t matter.

I tell a joke

Not particularly good

People around

Nobody listening.

I laugh with myself.

I laugh at myself.

What a funny joke!

Both are funny jokes!

Is this how

God feels, in his kingdom

Of everything

High up above, alone

Solving Problems

Solving a problem

is about finding

the right tool.

Sometimes

You have the right tool

but forgot it.

Sometimes

You saw wrong

And you grabbed the hammer

When what you needed was a wrench.

Sometimes

You simply don't have it

And need to go to the store

To get the tool you need.

Sometimes

That tool is people.

New ideas, new methods, new tricks.

Everyone else has so much to teach us.

And sometimes

I stressed so much

I forgot the simple solution

and cried myself to sleep.

And maybe

maybe sometimes

there just isn't a perfect solution at all

and I have to just deal with it.

Or maybe I'm using a voltmeter and car battery

When what I actually need is a hand.

Keep Looking

The light at the end of the tunnel

Is hidden by a door in-between.

The senses that fall into the funnel

must be processed and filtered before seen.

The fox sees the grapes and cries "sour!"

The faint light peeks through, and the man denies.

But when time passes, hour by hour,

the fox must jump up, and the man must realize.

A sliver of light peeks through the door's crack

for it has been pulled slightly ajar

by the ones who walked off the well-worn track

and realized, inside, who they really are.

The man fears the door, for it is new to him

If he is wrong about the light, there is only evil in sight

This is a dangerous matter - it cannot be decided on a whim.

But he must keep looking, and he must see the light.

He must crack the door further open,

pushing the holy sepulchre's sealing stone aside

for the trailblazers have advised; the Oracles have spoken:

There is only joy waiting for her on the other side.

I Gave It All Away

A man who does nothing

but think all the time

has nothing to think about

except thoughts.

Then what is a man

who does nothing but help;

who gives his soul away

until there is nothing else?

Maybe he is generous

for generosity is a virtue;

But he is not wealthy

and has not given his money away.

Maybe he is virtuous

like the proud, proud knights of fantasy

But those knights were courageous;

something he could never be.

Maybe he is an idiot

a fool for being kind;

for kindness is weakness

and this boy must learn to fight

Maybe he is soulless

like a husk of a man;

but there are some even emptier than he;

how could he dare compare himself to them?

I think I am naive

I am kind, virtuous, and stupid;

For I gave my soul away

Hoping I could have a piece of yours

Notice

I think I'm going to stop posting poetry. I've had enough. The depression hits exactly the same as always and I can't come up with anything new. The words are splayed out in front of you all - they will allow you to peer into my very soul - and there's nothing more for my poems to tell you, no arrangement of words that brings anything new to the table. Anything I make now will be rehashings of everything in the previously, and I don't think I can come up with anything new or good.

Good day to all.

May whatever God is up there see the insincerity of my penance.

Edit: I may continue posting cryptic shit because I'm eccentric like that fr.