Accountability Post #5 (23 June 2022)

I know this post isn’t going to go with the usual vibe I want for my blog, but I don’t have anywhere else to say this. So my apologies if it’s a bit of a downer. Just keep scrolling. We’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming later. This is mostly for me. But anyway…

I’ve been feeling so incredibly lonely lately.

I can’t talk about these feelings with anyone anymore. It’s pointless. I’ve realized that people just don’t want to hear it. Which I totally understand. If you’re experiencing all of these happy milestones (career, love, health, family, etc), the last thing you’d probably want to listen to is an unhappy person who is struggling with the very things you’re thriving in. It probably brings you down. But I really don’t have anyone left at this point to talk to and who would understand. I’m so fucking unhappy. And I feel so fucking unloveable.

I know I’m not a terrible person but sometimes it feels like I am. Otherwise, why is my life like this?

Maybe it’s karma from a previous life that I don’t even remember. Maybe I, unknowingly, crossed a voodoo witch or something. I don’t really know. All I know is, I really want this feeling to go away.

No amount of therapy, self love, going outside and “touching grass,” etc seems to help. I feel like such a shell of a human being right now. I’m so tired and lost.

For any mutuals who see this, if you’ve ever felt this way, has it gotten better? What helped you? Because despite doing everything you’re “supposed to,” I don’t feel any better and things haven’t changed at all for me.

Some days I fear things will never get better for me.

I keep holding onto hope but it’s hard.

It’s even harder when you have to go through something like this alone, because you don’t want to bother anyone anymore.

That’s all I guess…

Until later.

26 March 2021-Life Updates

Sooo...it’s been over a month since I last made a personal post on here. So, here are some life updates:

1. I have been very (extremely) inconsistent with both working out and maintaining a healthier diet. This year has really been kicking my ass. There is so much I have to do in preparation for the end of this semester. I know that is not an excuse, but I really don’t have any other reason to explain me slacking. I’m just so tired all the time. No matter when I go to bed and how much sleep I get, I still feel exhausted. I’m so stressed and burnt out at this point, but I can’t stop yet. I still have like 5 more weeks. But, those 5 weeks seem so far away.

2.  I’ve been actively planning my future. Anything to keep me going and to give me something to look forward to. I’ve been applying to jobs. I, recently, started budgeting and keeping better track of how much I spend each month. I made a list of places I would love to visit one day. I made another list consisting of things I want to try (pole dancing sounds especially fun). I even made a list of books I want to read within these next few months.   

3. I’ve been working on putting myself first. I’ve been, slowly, setting better boundaries with people and being more mindful about my own time and needs. I definitely worry so much (too much) about other people and what they think of me. I’m constantly worried about losing people. I’m always afraid that the people I love are going to get sick of me one day and realize they don’t want to be in my life anymore and no longer want me in theirs. It’s happened before, not even once or twice...I work so hard to make sure I don’t do anything that upsets people. I have realized that I, often, go out of my way to make others happy at the expense of my own happiness. I give so much grace to to people who would, no doubt, drop me the moment I make 1 mistake. And...I’m not saying you shouldn’t drop people. If that’s what brings you peace, definitely set those boundaries with those who are draining you and are toxic for you. What I mean is that I find myself letting people get away with talking to me and treating me in ways that they, themselves, would not tolerate. So...why on earth am I tolerating it, you know? Why can’t I set boundaries with people too? Why do I always have to feel guilty for putting myself first for once? I shouldn’t feel guilty for putting myself first and neither should any of you.

Anyway, this is just me rambling. Today, I cleaned out my fridge and went through my cupboards. I’m going to go grocery shopping tomorrow. I plan on buying actual food. Not just quick snacks I can take with me on the go. My goal is to cook an actual meal tomorrow night. I think I’m also going to find time to do a light workout or even just go for a walk. I really want to start feeling like myself again.

what a gift it is to come back to yourself

Healing isn't linear.

Recovery is going to be a rocky rough path of wobbles, sways, and swings.

But recovery is worth it. Living is worth it.

credit

medications don’t work the same for everyone.

therapy doesn’t work the same for everyone.

self care doesn’t look the same for everyone.

mental illness doesn’t look the same for everyone.

recovery is a personal process and shouldn’t be compared to anyone else’s. we are all healing from different things. just because someone else says, “my life has been bad too, and i got over it”, that in no way means you’ve tried less. you will grow at your own pace.

7 Daily Reminders

1. My self worth does not depend on what others think and say about me.

2. My self worth does not depend on how I look or what I weigh.

3. My self worth does not depend on my marks or performance.

4. My self worth does not depend on my number of followers.

5. I am enough just as I am.

6. I can succeed despite a bad day.

7. I am beautiful and valuable – and will treat myself with kindness and respect.

reblog so your followers won’t forget to drink water