Firstbatcookiespy-blog - Dirty Dreams

Hugs for anyone who secretly battling loneliness.

Him: Are you feeling tired already?

Me: *more than an hour before bedtime curled up with my eyes closed* “I don’t know if I’m tired so much as I’m ready to not be in charge of my life any more.”

Words I never thought I would say honestly. I’ve been in control for so long. Because I needed to be. Because I was expected to be. Because there were times that I wasn’t in control (and no one else was either) and there were serious repercussions.

Being able to make a deliberate decision to allow someone else to be in control of me in that setting, to let go of the focus, the pressure, the constant vigilance... is freeing in a way I never considered to be possible before. He’s always been willing to fill this role in our relationship, but I wasn’t ready to submit before. How could I trust myself to choose the right person to submit to when so many of my previous decisions were wrong?

But experiencing this right here, right now, it’s something I never expected. After a more-than-full day of being in charge at work and at home with the kids, to be able to let go and let him lead is absolutely amazing.

Rope yoga.