Isn't Life A Little Strange?

Not Mine❤️

Maybe you weren't the one for me

Maybe we weren't meant to be

But somewhere along the way

You have become a part of me

In those fickle dreams of my teenhood

In the last pages of my notebooks

In the music collection on my first iPod

There still exists a part of you

In that briefest moment of eye contact

And the goofy smile that sped up my heart

In those infinite seconds, you gave me

The simplest form of joy life could impart

I agree, you weren't meant to be mine

But in my soul, you still left an imprint

My love,

Come and get me

When I loose myself to my mind

Be my anchor

When the lines of sanity blurs

Listen to the silence

As you're the only one who knows the language

Never let me sink into the void

Alive

I felt each breath seeping into my lungs.

I felt each ray of sunshine that touched my skin.

I felt every gust of wind that blew past me.

I felt all those emotions hidden in my heart.

The sorrows, the love, the dreams and the hope.

I felt the time that ticked by and I didn't care.

I felt my heart beating to it's own rhythm.

I felt the silence telling me something.

Telling me that I'm alive.

And I believed it.

To you,

I was your shadow

Always following you

In stormy nights

In grainy lights

Even in your darkest hours

When you were too immersed

In your own darkness to see me.

I was your air

Essence of your life

But unnoticed

Until the day I left

And you realised

What suffocation is.

I was your sun

You frowned

Whenever you looked at me

Hid yourself

In my presence

But you didn't realise

Without me

No dawn is coming.

I was flying over the clouds

But still tethered to ground

I rebelled,

Broke the thread

And I soared into the sky

Higher than ever

Looking down

Towards the ground

But as the time flew

Even that freedom

started to taste bitter.....

The first time I got acquainted with grief.

Red blazing fire danced before my eyes, greedily engulfing my mother's body. The crackling sound of fire dominating any other sound caused by the crowd of people. The world faded around me as i concentrated on the sight in front of me. I wasn't even aware how many hours have passed since my mom drew her final breath. If someone told me to describe the hours subsequent to her death, I probably wouldn't be able to string four sentence together. Those hours had been hazy. I remember holding her hand with one hand and the other resting on her chest feeling her heartbeats as her heart heaved for the last time. I remember trying to get ahold of myself as the devastation hit me like wave of tsunami. The feeling of loss was sudden. I tried to think of all those impending arrangements and formalities I have to do, so I wouldn't break apart in a hospital room. After all, I have long since known of her illness. I knew what was coming. I had time to prepare myself. I shouldn't be loosing it like this. I managed to distract myself for almost five seconds before I lost it and as if a dam broke loose all the emotions hit me at once. The devastation, the loneliness, the loss, the confusion, the anger, I felt it all. The pain was almost physical, as if someone was ripping me apart limb by limb. I don't know how much time passed while I sat there sobbing hysterically. I don't know when people started coming in, awkwardly muttering their condolences, some taking me in a firm embrace as if they're touch will pacify the raging storm inside me. I wish it could but their solace couldn't reach me through the thick layer of sorrow. But I was still grateful for their presence. Even though their faces were a string of blurry images that I didn't care to acknowledge at that time, I was still grateful, especially when they stuck around and took over the cremation arrangements. I wasn't sure I could have taken care of things in my current state of insensibility. I guess, this was the boon of living in a small town. People always make time to stand by you. Either because they expect the same from you or they just don't want to appear insensitive, the reason doesn't matter.

In the process of breaking down, trying to pick myself up to give my mom a proper cremation and seeing her motionless body turning into ash something inside me went numb. I was tired. Tired of my mind being clogged up by emotions. Tired of life being so unfair. I wanted to stop feeling. I wasn't one to let my emotions take control of situations. Guess, that was before I had a brush with grief. And I was glad I didn't have anymore family, glad that I wouldn't have to go through it again. I kneeled near the ashes as the fire died down watching the thinning smoke still rising from the ash. I closed my eyes and tried to envision my life from this moment forward. And for the first time in life I felt burdened by life. For the first time I had no one to lean on. I was truly and utterly alone.

Not my usual thing to write so it'll be nice if you can give me any pointers. Any constructive criticism would be appreciated as well.

Those moments when...

I've learned to live alone

And loneliness doesn't get to me anymore,

Except in those moments....

When I wake up in the middle of the night

And find the space on my right

Empty and cold...

When I'm going to work

And on the way pass the abandoned factory

Where we used to sneak up as kids...

When I'm frustrated at the world

Or confused what to do

And my first thought is to call you....

When I'm laughing hysterically

And I suddenly stop the moment

Because you're not here to share it with me...

When people tell me their plans for the night

And I think about my home

And the silence waiting there to greet me....

When I'm lost in my thoughts

And subconsciously call out your name

And no one is there to answer me back.....

When I see a shooting star

And I wonder in silence

If you're still wishing on them

Or have you stopped believing in wishes?

*****

( Hindi alert)

Akele rehna sikh liya maine,

Ab to tanhai se bhi ek rishta sa ban gaya hai.

Shibaye un lamhon main....

Jab adhi raat ko aankh khul jati hai

Aur tumhare jagah suni bistar meelti hai

Jab baton hi baton main tumhari yaad aa jati hai

Aur tumhare na hona ka ehsas chubhne lagta hai

Jab anjane main ye lab tumhare naam le lete hain

Aur jabab main inhen sirf sannata hi milta hai

Jab koi sabal pareshan karta hai

Aur jabab main tumhara naam yaad ata hai

Jab mandir main kabhi dua mangne jati hun

Aur har dua main tumhara hi naam hota hai

Aur jab kabhi bhi asman main

Ek toota hua tara dikhta hai

Main sochti hu,

Dunia ki kisi kone main

Kahin tum bhi ise dekhkar

Mujhe yaad to nahi karte?

Kya tum mujhe yaad karte bhi ho?

Misshapen

Sometimes I feel a weird kinship

with those misshapen clay pots,

That lay discarded and forgotten.

At first like a new born baby,

It too sits on the centre of potter's wheel,

Soaking up all the attention it needs.

But as the life goes on,

And the wheel of time is spun,

Just like the clay in the hands of potter,

We are strained by the hands of humanity,

Bending to the world's whim,

Smoothing out our deformity,

To be accepted by the society.

But when after all those pottery,

We still turn out misshapen,

Just like those deformed clay pots,

We're easily discarded and forgotten.

HOPE

You are the cruelest of them all