I’ll Raise You Highlander, X-Files And Due South.

If you like lawyer jokes, here are some of the best recorded interactions that have happened in actual courts or trials

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral…

________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

________

ATTORNEY: How far can you see at night?

WITNESS: I can see the moon, how far is that?

them and their product placement drinks

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real question,

why do proshippers love rape so much? do you guys want to rape someone irl?

why do you guys love pedophilia/grooming so much? have you ever had thoughts about doing those actions or irl minors?

why do you guys love incest so much? is this just a way for you to vent your frustration cause your sibling(s) /step sibling(s) rejected you for your literal illegal behavior?

why do you guys love all these crimes so much? why do you love it when someone calls sexual and predatory abuse attractive as if it hasn't traumatized billions of people word wide?

this is like a genuine question I'm being deadass

Parent of non-binary kid here. I concur. You’ll pry her dresses from her cold dead hands.

Also… Murderbot can look like a tall, muscular, broad-shouldered man AND STILL be non-binary. Not male-aligned, even!

people really need to stop conceptualizing nonbinary as a third defined gender. there are countless ways to be nonbinary and nonbinary genders are personal and unique to each individual. stop assuming things about nonbinary people. stop telling nonbinary people they’re not nonbinary because they don’t present or act or call themselves in the specific way which you have conceptualize nonbinary.

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99% of queer discourse stops right before they define the true difference between bisexual and pansexual!

Still in progress. ADHD mom of neurodivergent kids here. My executive function is nonexistent.

I have disappointed more loved ones in the past ten years than all my other years put together.

“Sit down and shut up, men don’t have oppression to speak on, so men speaking on their problems is always and in every circumstance speaking over women/in opposition of feminism”

is just an extension of

“sit down and shut up, men are supposed to be stoic about their problems”

from toxic masculinity,

but this time dressed up dressed up in twisted-pro-feminism reasoning that doesn’t actually address the underlying problem with the attitude of societal repression of men’s emotions and discussions of things by which they’re negatively affected (be that by oppression or not).

I made a comic of one of my favorite Network Effect scenes!

This was so fun!! I love Murderbot!

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Diverse Sexuality (Books)

A:

Alice Isn't Dead (Joseph Fink)

Alice (Unspecified WLW)

Keisha Taylor (Unspecified WLW)

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe (Benjamin Alire Sáenz)

Aristotle Mendoza (Gay)

Dante Quintana (Gay)

Aru Shah (Roshani Chokshi)

Brynne Rao (Bisexual)

A Step Towards Falling (Connie McGovern)

Richard (Gay)

Harrison (Gay)

Hugh (Unspecified MLM)

B:

Blood Like Magic (Liselle Sambury)

Keisha (Demisexual, Lesbian)

Bruised (Tanya Boteju)

Daya Wijesinghe (Unspecified WLW)

Shanti (Unspecified WLW)

C:

Cemetary Boys (Aiden Thomas)

Yadriel (Gay)

Julian Diaz (Gay)

Chaotic Good (Whitney Gardner)

Brian "Farrin" (Unspecified MLM)

Cooper Birch (Gay)

Wyatt (Gay)

Connection Error (Annabeth Albert)

Josiah Simmons (Gay)

Ryan Orson (Gay)

Crown of Feathers - Series (Nicki Pau Preto)

Anders (Unspecified MLM)

Avalkyra Ashfire (Aromantic, Asexual)

Callysta Lightbringer (Lesbian)

Kade (Gay)

Latham (Unspecified MLM)

Nefyra Ashfire (Lesbian)

Sev Lastlight (Gay)

Sidra (Unspecified WLW)

Tristan Flamesong (Bisexual)

D:

Dear Mothman (Robin Gow)

Alice (Unspecified WLW)

Molly (Unspecified WLW)

E:

Exit, Pursued by a Bear (E.K. Johnston)

Amy (Lesbian)

Polly (Lesbian)

F:

G:

Gifted Clans (Graci Kim)

Bob (Unspecified MLM)

Chae (Unspecified WLW)

Gong (Unspecified WLW)

Jangsoo Jeong (Unspecified MLM)

Girl Mans Up (M.E. Girard)

Blake (Bisexual)

Penelope "Pen" Oliveira (Lesbian)

H:

Highway Bodies (Alison Evans)

Dee (Bisexual)

Eve (Unspecified WLW)

Jojo (Bisexual)

History is All You Left Me (Adam Silvera)

Griffin (Unspecified MLM)

Jackson (Unspecified MLM)

Theo (Unspecified MLM)

I:

Icebreaker (A.L. Graziadei)

Jaysen Caulfield (Gay)

Mickey James (Bisexual)

I Hope You're Listening (Tom Ryan)

Delia "Dee" Skinner (Unspecified WLW)

Sarah (Unspecified WLW)

J:

Jess, Chunk, and the Road Trip to Infinity (Kristin Elizabeth Clark)

Cristophe "Chunk" Kefala (Pansexual)

K:

Keep This to Yourself (Tom Ryan)

Mac Bell (Gay)

Quill (Unspecified MLM)

L:

Learning Curves (Ceillie Simkiss)

Cora McLaughlin (Panromantic, Asexual)

Elena Mendez (Lesbian)

Love Letters for Joy (Melissa See)

Joy (Asexual)

M:

Margo Zimmerman Gets the Girl (Brianna R. Shrum, Sara Waxelbaum)

Abbie Sokoloff (Bisexual)

Margo Zimmerman (Lesbian)

Matt Sinclair - Series (Tony Fennelly)

Matt Sinclair (Gay)

More Happy Than Not (Adam Silvera)

Aaron Soto (Gay)

N:

O:

P:

Pahua Moua - Series (Lori M. Lee)

Ka (Unspecified WLW)

Yeng (Unspecified WLW)

Paola Santiago - Series (Tahlor Kay Meija)

Carmela Mata (Bisexual)

Emma Lockwood (Lesbian)

Kit (Unspecified WLW)

Paola Santiago (Bisexual)

Percy Jackson - Universe (Rick Riordan)

Hemithea (Lesbian)

Josephine (Lesbian)

Lavinia Asimov (Lesbian)

Magnus Chase (Pansexual)

Nico di Angelo (Gay)

Paolo Montes (Unspecified MLM)

Piper McLean (Bisexual)

Poison Oak (Unspecified WLW)

Reyna Ramírez-Arellano (Asexual)

Shel (Unspecified WLW)

Will Solace (Bisexual)

Perks of Being a Wallflower (Stephen Chbosky)

Patrick (Gay)

Pulp (Robin Talley)

Abbey Zimet (Lesbian)

Janet Jones (Lesbian)

Punk 57 (Penelope Douglas)

Manny Cortez (Unspecified MLM)

Ten (Unspecified MLM)

Q:

R:

S:

Sadie (Courtney Summers)

Sadie Hunter (Unlabeled WLW)

Sal & Gabi Break the Universe (Carlos Hernandez)

Reina Real (Bisexual)

Salvador "Sal" Vidón (Aromantic, Asexual)

Scholomance (Series - Naomi Novik)

Ibrahim Haddad (Unspecified MLM)

Jermaine (Unspecified MLM + Polyamorous)

Yaakov (Unspecified MLM)

Sikander Aziz - Series (Sarwat Chadda)

Daoud (Unspecified MLM)

Idiptu (Unspecified MLM)

Mohammed Aziz (Unspecified MLM)

Sidana (Unspecified MLM)

Six of Crows (Leigh Bardugo)

Jesper Fahey (Bisexual)

Nina Zenik (Bisexual)

Wylan Van Eck (Gay)

Sixteen Souls (Rosie Talbot)

Charlie Frith (Gay)

Sam Harrow (Unspecified MLM)

Synchro Boy (Shannon McFerran)

Bart Lively (Bisexual)

T:

The Agony of Bun O'Keefe (Heather Smith)

Chris (Gay)

The Art of Saving the World (Connie Duyvis)

Hazel Stanczak (Asexual, Lesbian)

The Buried and the Bound (Rochelle Hassan)

Leo Merritt (Bisexual)

Tristan Drake (Gay)

The Field Guide to the North American Teenager (Ben Philippe)

Eric (Gay)

The Immeasurable Depth of You (Maria Mora)

Brynn (Bisexual)

The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali (Sabrina Khan)

Ariana (Unspecified WLW)

Rukhsana Ali (Lesbian)

Sohail (Gay)

The Luis Ortega Survival Club (Sonora Reyes)

Ariana Ruiz (Bisexual)

Shanaya "Shawni" (Bisexual)

The Manifold Worlds (Foz Meadows)

Gwen Vere (Aromantic, Unspecified WLW + Polyamorous)

The Montague Twins (Drew Shannon, Nathan Page)

Pete Montague (Gay)

The Mortal Instruments - Series (Cassandra Clare)

Alexander "Alec" Lightwood (Gay)

Magnus Bane (Bisexual)

The Summer of Bitter and Sweet (Jen Ferguson)

Louisa (Asexual)

The 100 (Kass Morgan)

Octavia Blake (Bisexual)

U:

V:

W:

Way to Go (Tom Ryan)

Danny (Gay)

We Contain Multitudes (Sarah Henstra)

Adam "Kurl" Kurlansky (Gay)

Jonathan Hopkirk (Gay)

What Unbreakable Looks Like (Kate McLaughlin)

Elsa (Lesbian)

Wild and Crooked (Leah Thomas)

Beth (Unspecified WLW)

Kalyn-Rose Spence (Lesbian)

Tamara (Unspecified WLW)

Will Grayson, Will Grayson (David Levithan, John Green)

Gary (Gay)

Gideon (Gay)

Nick (Unspecified MLM)

Tiny Cooper (Gay)

Will Grayson (Gay)

Winger (Andrew Smith)

Joey Constantino (Gay)

Wings of Fire - Series (Tui T. Sutherland)

Anenome (Unspecified WLW)

Burnet (Unspecified WLW)

Silverspot (Unspecified WLW)

Umber (Gay)

X:

Y:

Z:

#:

36 Questions That Changed My Mind About You (Vicki Grant)

Max (Gay)

For some reason the versions of this where he gives two salutes is being deleted and replaced with a version with a quick cut to a cheering crowd so I’ll just share it here 🙃