Everything Feels Like It Happened A Long Time Ago. Like It Wasn't Just Yesterday That You Held My Hand.

it's been a while since you left

well, two months, five days, seven hours and thirty-five minutes to be exact

it takes one minute for your heart to stop beating in the absence of oxygen

another six for all you cells to degenerate

after that, even your brain gives up on you

and you die

i don't know what my brain is waiting for

'you suffocate me', your note said

'i'm suffocating here', i wanted to tell you

but you never stayed long enough

now i don't know how to tell you this

but for the past six months, you've been my only reason to smile

and this might seem like poetry to you

but i'm not feeling beautiful

if you look into that gratitude jar

you'll find it full of your name

so i'm sorry if my love suffocated you

but please come back

i need to breath now

day 12

2:51 a. m.

someone, somewhere, won't you ask me how i am doing? please, won't you ask me if there is something heavy on my heart that i would like to get rid of? won't you just listen to me talk through silences and tell you what's breaking my heart? won't you please hold me tight without my having to say it? hold me and wipe away my tears and tell me it's all going to turn out fine. tell me it'll be alright so i may sleep now.

it gets difficult to breath again. everyone is so far away. and i'm afraid. afraid that even if i do find the words to ask for help somehow, they won't hear me. afraid that even if i do start screaming, they won't know it's me. everyone is so far away and a part of me tells me it's for the best but gods, do i wish someone would hold me while my heart breaks.

day 5

6:49 p. m.

maybe it really is that easy to get over stuff. or maybe it's just doing everything you can so you don't have to think about it. denial. ignorance. or pain. who knows which one is better. i don't want to find out that answer.

day 13

11:32 p. m.

the lost feeling after waking up from a nightmare. scared of something but not sure of what. to just sleep until it all ends. to be or not to be. to stay awake or go to sleep. to sleep. to never be.. never have been. unless in daydreams. dreams far away from now. a lighter heart forgetting these days as memories. an easier breath, exhaling out these words... no longer a part of its body. but the waiting. dear heart, the waiting. how long till i breath again?

the next time i go to that house, the only one i've considered home other than this, there'll be a picture of you instead of you. the rooms will be quieter. i don't know...

maybe it would've been easier, had i been there in september, or october. but it'll be months, years, now, when i go back. and i can't stop thinking. the way homes change. the way laughters fade away. the way someday it will be so much closer than it is now.

last month was so hard, so fucking difficult. but now it's over. and i genuinely can't believe i've made it this far. i can't believe i survived through all of this one poem a time. i can't believe it was just the thought of this poem that had to be written at the end of each day that kept me going on so many of these days. that it was these words that kept me alive.

'i've hated the words and i've loved them. and i hope that i have done them right' (the book thief)

i haven't been able to let anyone read all of them. they're too sad. maybe i will, one day. i know i need to. it's only for so long that you can scream on paper, that you can bleed through words. someday, you have to show someone the cracks in the walls so that they can come in. i hope i have the strength to do that. i hope it's not too late when i do that. i think, the most important thing i've learnt this month is that, you have to hope, no matter what. because that is the only thing that keeps you alive when all the light is sucked out of your life and the world feels like it's run out of oxygen. you have to hope.

'sometimes the saddest thing is to hope. sometimes, the only hope is the constant sadness' (yashodhaan burange)

all this love would make sense if it wasn't for me

day 9

9:43 p. m.

a summer with no griefs. that's all i'm gonna ask for this time.