Ueueue.. Ilove Hnk

shen jiu mr i hate myself for being so cruel but i hate myself for being so merciful

The Lord is testing me.

LMFAOOOO I’M CRYING

I think about this part all the time he is so fucking funny

Shen Jiu's obvious motivation in telling Yue Qi that his legs are broken are to get YQ to fucking leave already before he gets caught, idiot, but I think it also has a parallels to an interesting behavior in children: when a kid is hurt in a way that they don't understand, find hard to articulate, or they know isn't seen as "bad enough" to cause this level of distress, they will sometimes lie and say that something more obvious and readily pitiable has happened to them to get someone else, usually an adult, to care/understand/sympathize. It's a plea for someone to acknowledge that they're suffering. 

I feel like part of the reason SJ told YQ that is because he needed some way to convey how much he was suffering. On a surface level, SJ is "just" badly beaten and bruised, something that has probably happened to both SJ and YQ before. But ofc that's not all there is to it: QJL dehumanizes SJ and takes obvious joy in his suffering, treating him like a plaything. It's frightening and disquieting in a way that SJ himself probably minimizes or feels weak for being affected by, so how could he possibly tell Yue Qi? How could he explain how bad his life was going to be under QJL's boot? Just telling YQ he was beaten couldn't convey how hurt and scared he was. 

Can't you see he’s in pain, Qi-ge? You can't forget that. You have to hurry.

Scum villain fandom is so wonderful because every artist in it is a perverted freak. Like living in a reverse world where foot fetish is normal and missionary is weird

I’m gonna be honest, I don’t think SJ would have ever been happy as a Peak Lord. The only reason he took the job was because of YQY and he thought he’d be able to protect himself better as someone of high status. He never had the right kind of mind or attitude for teaching and never had the social skills to get along with his peers. He’d have been much happier as a wandering cultivator but that wasn’t where YQY was so even then he’d have never been fully satisfied.

oh my god sorry for the late reply

i also think that sj got attached to having status and power because he knows that powerful people can get away with anything, since he knows what that's like thanks to Qiu Jianluo. He definitely didn't want to be on the receiving end of all that power and influence. I think that, even if he wasn't a good teacher, if he had able to deal with his inner demons (literally and metaphorically) he wouldn't have had so much trouble living in CQM. But he hated men to the point of being unable to sleep next to his peers, and when he became a peak lord he turned paranoid, thinking people wanted to undermine him and usurp his place, was envious of anyone with more potential or power than him. and like, not all of that was yqy's "fault", since we see in the qijiu extra's opening scene what he was like as a 12 years old. i love the parallels between qijiu as kids and qijiu as peak lords because the latter is basically a reenactment of their childhood dynamics: sj fighting with others, yqy the protector who always tried to smooth things over and let sj get away with anything, etc. then his dynamic with lbh and nyy is a reenactment of his life with the qius, this time with him as the one abusing his power. it sort of feels like there's something inescapable about their fates, and it goes to show how much work sj needs to achieve a modicum of peace, though of course if he was sure of yqy's love for him that would be a great start.

sorry for rambling. back on topic. why did sj became a peak lord?

“If I said that I wasn’t doing well at Qing Jing Peak, what would you do?” Shen Qingqiu asked, slow and measured. “Would you help me enter Qiong Ding Peak, just as you recommended me for Qing Jing?”

Yue Qingyuan gave it some thought, then said solemnly, “If that’s what you wanted.”

“Clearly I don’t want that,” Shen Qingqiu said with a resolute humph. “I want to be head disciple. Would you be willing to give me your position? Let me become the sect leader?” he asked, forceful and lofty. “For better or worse, Qing Jing Peak ranks second among the Twelve Peaks. I’d rather wait to succeed this one.”

it's clear he wants power and influence, and if he'd had the chance he would have gone for the sect leader post. can you imagine that??

In the past, Qiu Jianluo had forced Shen Jiu to learn how to read and write. Shen Jiu had been unwilling to learn, had detested it to the point of madness, yet now it was only through his abilities in reading and studying—through being smarter than his peers—that he’d been able to earn the Qing Jing Peak Lord’s favor. To make it even more laughable, of the thousands of possible names in this world, the peak lord had just happened to name him “Qingqiu.”

But no matter how laughable, no matter how it made him gnash his teeth, Shen Qingqiu still wanted that name, for this name represented that from now onward, a shining new life was his.

sj is ambitious. that's why i think he' wouldn't be happy with living like a common person. he also likes luxury so i guess he'd detest the life of a wandering cultivator because it would to much like living in the streets, where he spent most of his childhood. he likes quiet and staying inside. he liked the security of being at the top.

so i don't think it would be impossible for him to have a life more suited to him, that wasn't such a consequence of his traumas and how he copes with them, but like i said, it would take a lot of work and healing.

there's only one thing worse than an awful book, and that is an awful book with ONE tantalisingly compelling element

I realized my WIP currently has “someone will die/of fun” energy but it’s more like:

started rereading svsss bc I missed shen jiu and qijiu only to be brutally reminded there is only pain and suffering within those pages