I Love Listening Too Tma In Order Because It's Like

hi how the fuck does tumblr work

Reductress really taking no prisoners today

i wanna talk about this shot

i hate magicians because when i was seven i was watching a magician perform during my friend's birthday party and he did this one trick where he would take a black statuette and a white statuette, cover them each with a cloth, and then lift the cloths off to reveal that they were in separate places. and i thought i had figured out the trick so i yelled to the magician that the back sides of the statuettes were painted with opposite colors and he was just turning them while they were covered by the cloth. and the biggest, shit-eatingest grin spread across his face as he turned the statuettes to reveal that the back halves were painted yellow and red. everyone clapped and cheered and he bowed like five times. to this day i dont know how he pulled that shit off and every time i'm reminded of it i get a brain hemorrhage from pissing myself off real bad

if you see a woman driving poorly it’s sexist to assume that it’s because she’s a woman. maybe she’s still learning. maybe she’s doing it on purpose because she’s an asshole. maybe she feels entitled to the road. maybe she’s going to die soon and she had vehicular manslaughter on her bucket list. maybe she has a car crash fetish

So I had a hysterectomy today (hooray!) and I brought along my stuffed orca, Shamu, as a comfort object. And everyone i interacted with during my pre-op was like "Oh! Who's this?" so I was telling them all about him, how he's been with me since I was 9 and gone on every single vacation and road trip, and they were telling me about their own stuffed buddies (one lady said she still has hers after 40 years!) and all of this while I was signing consent forms and providing a list of the things I'd brought with me, you know, small talk.

So then a nurse comes over and goes "Okay, I've got some stickers I'll put on your things so we know they're yours" and I'm like "OK cool" so she puts a sticker on my coat and stickers on my bags of clothes and then she turns to Shamu and I'm like "oh I guess he gets a sticker too"

But no. She pulls out a hospital bracelet that's an exact copy of mine and slaps it on his tail, like so:

And i was delighted by this, so I took a picture to send to my friends, who were equally delighted, and were cracking me up with their reactions (like so:)

Anyway, they take me back and put me under, and when I awake groggily a few hours later it takes me a minute to get my bearings, so I don't notice Shamu at first. But then I realize he's tucked up next to me in the gurney, so I grab him, and my hand touches gauze.

And I'm like "huh?" so I look at him and I realize

They gave my fucking orca a hysterectomy

Uh oh! You are now a were-animal! This means you become a human-sized animal hybrid with uncontrollable bloodlust every night!

Spin this wheel to get your species

I was high off my ass last night and had this dream where I was in this dense ass forest and sitting there was a tall woman. She was so tall I couldn’t see her face but she was wearing gold and I was like “uh…hi?” And she said “I made you, do you know that?” And I nodded and she was like “I hear your thoughts. Why do you hate my creation? Why do you try to destroy yourself? I made you perfect as you are. Please don’t break my heart”. Then she started crying and it flooded and I woke up with fucking heart palpitations like what does it Mean™️????

Can't decide whether it's funnier to say "my hungry ass could never work at a" and then say something that implies you're eating something truly grotesque or something that just, makes no sense