I’m Such A Big Fan Of Monsters That Are Creepy Bc They Do Human Things, But WRONG

Ahsoka: If Anakin and I were both drowning, who would you save?

Rex: I don’t know, both of you?

Ahsoka: No, if you could only save one of us.

Rex: Well, I would probably save Skywalker because he can’t swim and I happen to know you’re an excellent swimmer.

Ahsoka: Suppose I was holding an anchor? Who would you save then?

Rex: Well, why don’t you let go of the anchor?

Ahsoka: It’s a family heirloom.

Rex: I’m leaving.

i did wrestling in middle school. on one hand, i was actually quite good at it, which was nice. being good at any sport was a new achievement for me. on the other hand, i was bi, and i was trying very hard not to notice that i was bi, and getting folded into knots by very kind, very muscular dorks made that task somewhat difficult.

adding fire to the problem was that my parents and my grandparents wanted to watch my matches, because they were very proud that their Gangly Nerd Son was actually Sporting, and they wanted to cheer me on. which would've been sweet and all, but if there are four people you do not want there during a key part of your Burgeoning Sexual Awakening, it is your mom and your dad and your grandma and your grandpa.

right? i mean, imagine some guy's got your head in his armpit, and you're going you know, old sweat smells bad, but fresh sweat has a sort of and then you make eye contact with your grandpa in the stands and you remember you're swearing spandex so if you pop a boner people aren't just going to be able to see the outline, they're going to be able to count the veins, and the only way you will be able to restore your family's honor after that would be by moving to siberia and renouncing joy, forever. that, or lift your entire body up by your kneck then twist 180 degrees without paralyzing yourself.

it’s a lot of pressure, is what i’m saying.

still it did motivate me to win my matches really fast. because i was so tall and skinny, i was stupidly good at the double leg takedown, and then once someone was knocked down, i'd just do the half nelson and kind of flip em over for the pin. then the ref would count to three and i’d win. EZPZ.

i had one match where that went great. won in the first ten seconds, sat back down, and prepared myself for a good hour or two of doing fuck all. didn't even feel bad the parents/grandparents were gonna be bored. the matches went up from me in 5 pound increments (i was in the 115 lbs division) and it was going great until we got to the 145 lbs division. the other school's wrestler stepped onto the mat, and she turned out to be a girl so our guy flipped, because for straight guys, wrestling a girl is not a pleasant experience.

i'm not entirely unsympathetic. my experience wrestling dudes was definitely a little traumatic. but also, i dealt. guy could've dealt too. instead, he refused to wrestle, and the coach went - fine. not even worth fighting over.

so he went to the 140 pounder, and that guy said, nosir, my mom said mormons can't wrestle girls. next guy down, 135 pounder, now he knew he could pull the same card and thus did. 130 pounder, 125, both tapped out. he got to the 120 guy, and that guy was catholic, but he said he was considering being mormon, and thus would have to pass. as a precaution.

coach blew up a little at that. he said "is there anyone - anyone - on this entire goddamn team that is willing to wrestle a girl?" and then he pointed at me and said "YOU. MAT. GO."

and i'll be real, if i'd been paying more attention, i'd have pulled the mormon card too, but i'd just been putting all that audio into a buffer file because i was reading, so i was halfway across the mat before i even processed what had been said and by then it was too late to turn back.

still i had a plan. and my plan - my beautiful, perfect plan - was to do what i'd always done. tackle, flip, pin, win. sit down. read. bore my family to death. move on.

i got the first part right. she was bigger than me, but she wasn't taller. just an incredibly stout woman. god built me like a snake with glasses, just as he built her like a combat cube. the problem was the half nelson. soon as she was down, i tried hooking my arm under hers from behind and for both genders, the defense for this move is just clamping your arms really fucking tight against your sides. if you're a guy, that's whatever, but if you're a girl - especially if you're god's chosen combat cube - that pins your opponents hand right against your boob.

so, i got the hook in, she clamped, my whole arm pressed against something soft, my coach was yelling THE HALF NELSON. BABYLON! JUST FINISH IT! FINISH THE HALF NELSON! and i was just trying to press hard enough to finish, when then my brain went

...oh.

and i flipped out. of course i flipped out. i like girls, and touching a boob is an elemental experience, and i was not ready. i was not prepared. i had not committed the sacred rites. i recoiled like i'd just brushed my arm against the surface of the sun, stood up, and backed away. nobody in the room knew why i'd given up. all they saw was me, right about to win, suddenly flailing around and scrambling. so everyone started screaming at me to just get the half nelson again, and i couldn't really yell back there's a fuckin' boob in the way and it was very distressing, and the only way i could think of to make them stop was just doing it over again the right way.

so i did.

i hunkered down and prepared myself for Wrasslin' Attempt #2: The Sequel.

i knocked her down again, EZPZ. i went for the half nelson again, but she knew what i was about to do so she super clamped, and i knew she was gonna super clamp, so i wound my arm back like a pop-eye cartoon punch before swinging my arm through the gap between her bicep and her side, but the amount of time i spent winding back super signalled what i was about to to do, which gave her time to clamp even harder, which somehow redirected the entire force of the popeye punch to the bottom of her bra.

it spat out a single boob the same way an action hero might spit out one single tooth after getting a solid crack across the jaw. as if to say:

*ptooie.* "that all you got?"

i did not actually see this. my experience was that first there was an arm, then there was a bit of boob, but i was braced, i was ready, forward at all costs, tatakae motherfuckers, and then the boob went away, and i didn't know where it went but my team, and the audience, and everyone who was in front of me, they all gasped like i just kicked them in the stomach. except for my coach. he was behind me, and thus one of the four people in the room who did not see the boob. now my mom, my dad, my grandma, and my grandpa, they all got flashed but nooooooo, coach thunderbutt was behind me, and he didn't see shit so he was still yelling NOOOOOO BABYLON WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST FINISH THE NELSON! GO FOR THE KILL! BABYLON! BABYLON!

but i did not go for the kill. i stood up and she stuffed her boob back real fast, and we just kind of circled each other awkwardly until time ran out and i won on points. that's not technically allowed, but the ref had some mercy on me.

my coach did not.

i barely had time to sit down before he strode over to the bench to chew me out.

"babylon," he said, in that very calm way people get when they're too pissed to yell. "why didn't you pin?"

and i didn't know how to say well coach, i tried, but there was a boob, and it kept getting in the way, and my mom was watching, and so was my dad, and so was his dad, and his mom, and god (like bible god) and that's a can of worms because i'm pretty sure he was already mad at me, and i'm wearing spandex, and i think i might have to move to siberia, so instead i said

"i uh. i forgot how to do the half nelson."

which is actually impossible. forgetting how to do the half nelson is like forgetting how to swallow your spit.

and he looked at me, like i was the dumbest person in the entire world, and i looked through him like i'd just survived my 250th day in a trench at verdun, and he said: fine.

fine.

but we're all going to practice it for an hour tomorrow because you forgot.

and then he left.

and my buddies had the gall to be salty about it. i got so many comments saying "dude, why didn't you just tell him the truth?" and i said "you can if you care so damn much. you could've wrestled the girl too. maybe someone else should do the hard thing today."

but they didn't. so the next day, we did an hour of half nelson drills, and i spent a decent amount of time getting thrown around the mat, and it was pleasant in exactly the way that i hated and the year after that, to the surprise of everyone but myself, i quit wrestling and joined the trivia team.

and if you want more reasons to love my mom, my grandpa joked after the match that i might have to talk to my bishop about it, and my mom told him he would be allowed to make jokes after he stood in front of a crowd of 110 people in spandex underpants while wrestling a woman that was not his wife.

he paused for almost five seconds after that. then he said: aw. hell. sorry babylon.

and i'd have preferred my apology from god, but getting it from him was pretty good too.

“comes back wrong”, what a hot trope. incredibly sexy.

I just can never get enough of Shen Wei’s wavering control when it comes to Zhao Yunlan

(I got Zhen Hun vol 1 and I read it in three hours I was so excited)

Like, Shen Wei is so obviously obsessed. He stares at Yunlan constantly (as long as Yunlan is not looking). He can’t help but to look back when he leaves Yunlan. Yunlan is sick and Shen Wei helps him home, basically tucks him into bed, and cleans his entire apartment. Shen Wei is absolutely the type of person to smell Yunlan’s clothes-

But my favourite scene is definitely when Shen Wei helps Yunlan drink. Because he does very well! He and Yunlan drink an alcoholic under the table, and Yunlan is really only tipsy, meaning either Shen Wei did all the heavy lifting or Yunlan’s liver is inhumanly quick.

And with being drunk comes Shen Wei completely losing his last threads of sanity. He is a being born from darkness whose hunger can never be sated, and good golly it shows. Him basically trying to eat Yunlan has always been a highlight. The moment Yunlan shows resistance (full resistance instead of just hesitance), Shen Wei full on unpossesses his own body.

I’m fully convinced (I wasn’t on my first two reads, but I am now) that Shen Wei unpossessed himself. He is so talented. His entire body shuts down, Yunlan of course fucking panics, and Yunlan takes three tries to literally summon Shen Wei’s soul back. Man just unpossessed his own body. The body that he is attached to. Shen Wei has never stolen a body, this one is just his, and he manages to unpossess it.

It’s so great. Yunlan told him to stop and, like, he did. He really, really did. He stopped his heart beating and himself breathing and literally being in his own body. 10/10, Shen Wei is so good at following directions.

Yunlan, upon realizing that Shen Wei is the super intimidating, ominously cloaked figure who literally everyone on his team is fucking terrified of and who has worked with him for years and has only been sort of (very) obsessive over Zhao Yunlan: “I should probably stop flirting with him, because it’s a bit awkward.”

Yunlan, approximately five seconds later: “You threw yourself at me while you were drunk. I never knew how much you favoured me.”

Zhao Yunlan is the best character ever. A hot professor acts really weird and is so obviously attracted to him and Yunlan is super into it. Shen Wei treats him like precious glass that cannot be allowed to even get dirty and also like he will die if Yunlan looks at him for too long. Shen Wei tries not to touch him but revels in the warmth left behind. Shen Wei bit him like thirty times because of his conflicting desires to both eat or fuck him. Zhao Yunlan is so fucking confused.

Zhu Hong suggests that Yunlan could sleep with her in lieu of payment and Yunlan is like “Okay :)” (because he thinks it would be nice to not need to have to pay her). Yunlan is openly bi to the point that him flirting with a hot professor surprises literally none of his coworkers (they just tease him because it’s funny).

Yunlan is positive that Shen Wei is attracted to him, because obviously Shen Wei is? Yunlan isn’t being vain or overly confident, Shen Wei literally caught him while he was falling off of the school roof and tended to his light scrape like it was Yunlan’s arm coming off. Shen Wei is so obviously attracted to Yunlan, but at the same time tries desperately not to show it. Zhao Yunlan is so confused. He is bummed when Shen Wei declines to meet with him and even more bummed when Shen Wei tells him he doesn’t want to go out with him and he is also baffled because he woke up to find Shen Wei literally watching him sleep less than a week later.

If I was Zhao Yunlan, I would also be confused.

Zhao Yunlan also is great because he’s the world’s best detective who comes up with half-baked theories and tricks people (well, mostly Shen Wei and Da Qing) into admitting he’s right. He cannot stand how useless Guo Changcheng is, but Guo Changcheng is his little good luck charm and he will be bringing him everywhere. Wang Zheng tries to die and he berates her like a little kid. The Emissary sends a spooky little guy to keep Yunlan from continuing forward, and Yunlan can’t bring himself to knock it aside, so he just steps over it. When it follows him, he eventually just picks it up. When it gets scared, he lets it hide in Clarity (his watch). He is disrespectful to the very idea of gods. He is unintimidated by the Emissary who literally everyone else is terrified of. He burns incense for the little messenger even though he didn’t have to.

There were some (a lot of) parts I didn’t really get, even during my second read. However, this translation makes a lot of sense! The underworld folk are fucking terrified of Shen Wei. Shen Wei is overpowered and answers to nobody and his very presence as the Emissary is enough to make most ghosts run and hide. They are so scared. Shen Wei is getting worse. If Shen Wei goes rogue, literally nobody can stop him.

Man, if only that mountain god, the one being in the entirety of history that Shen Wei was willing to listen to, was still around.

(They decide to get that mountain god back.)

Honestly, them wanting Yunlan to remember makes a lot more sense than whatever I thought they were doing the first two times I read it. They just need someone to hold Shen Wei’s leash, and they couldn’t have known that Zhao Yunlan is literally the worst possible choice for that.

(Zhao Yunlan doesn’t even care when Shen Wei tears his shirt (apparently with fucking claws) or bites him and he really doesn’t care what the Emissary does as long as Shen Wei lets him get his baby Wang Zheng back first. The mountain god, from what I recall, was more amused by Shen Wei’s darker tendencies than anything else. There is no one worse to hope will control Shen Wei, because there is no one else who is as willing as Zhao Yunlan is to sleep with the most powerful, uncontrollable being in metaphorical Hell.)

I’ll give them points for trying, but really, they didn’t do a very good job picking. I mean, there was literally no other option, but still. Shen Wei who retains some degree of his self control vs Shen Wei who is feral over Yunlan is a pretty obvious choice.

All in all, I love Zhao Yunlan and Shen Wei. Yunlan thinks he might be coming on too strong, meanwhile Shen Wei would probably collect Yunlan’s hair if he thought he could get away with it. Shen Wei knows where Yunlan lives and lives nearby, he works in the same city, and he has stalked seen Yunlan on cases before, meanwhile Yunlan’s worst crime is sullying the professor in his head. I love them. They’re perfect for each other.

The Master Plan

[the entire cast standing around in the ruins of Death Star II, aghast] Kylo: [whispers] …what the fuck. Lando: Seriously?! This guy? Again? Anakin’s Force Ghost: [furious] This makes no sense! I killed you! Me! The Chosen One! Just like the stupid prophecy said I would! Luke’s Force Ghost: Yeah, and I saw it happen with my own two eyes! And then the Death Star was destroyed! How could you possibly have – Sidious: [bored, examining his nails] Hmm? Survived? [chuckles] Well you see, you fools, I knew all of this was going to happen. It was all part of the plan. [yawns] Quite underwhelming, I’m afraid. I was hoping for a bit more of a challenge. Leia: What?! Sidious: [sighing] Oh very well: yes, it all goes back to when my Master and I used midi-chlorians to create life. [to Anakin] That’d be you, son. Then, of course, I figured we’d better see to it that he spent his first several years with his mother on Tatooine, forming an attachment and also developing many feelings about slavery, both of which I could use to manipulate him later. Anakin: What. [Two Hours Pass] Sidious: …do you have any idea how expensive it is to pay for a custom-built clone army AND cover the cost of the upkeep on a massive droid army at the same time, and keep tabs on where all the money is going? And also how annoying it is to have to manage all that while having to continually meet with Anakin, and be forced to listen to him blather on about Senator Amidala or General Kenobi for hours at a time, nodding and pretending I gave a bantha’s hide about his feelings!? Force, there were a couple of rough years in there, but I persevered because I knew – I knew – I was nearly one-fifteenth of the way through my plan… [Another three hours. Most of the cast is sitting down on the floor now, and a couple people have nodded off.] Sidious: …I knew that I couldn’t trust Vader any further than I could throw him – or perhaps, any further than he could throw me – so I ensured that, upon being thrown into the abyss, I would be able to keep myself from dying. [smirks] Yes, that’s right, Anakin, I did always know how to do it, I just wasn’t going to tell you… [Two more hours] Sidious: …Captain Solo would of course marry General Organa, and their birth control would fail at a precise, critical point in history, due to defective pharmaceuticals I had queued up to be released to market years before… [Two hours later] Sidious: …directed Supreme Leader Snoke to begin following the young Ben Solo on Twitter, knowing that he would be entirely impressed with Snoke’s – my – takes on democracy… [Three more hours later] Sidious: …thus leaving the New Republic in shambles. Then, of course, it would be only a matter of time before Luke would somewhat overcome his depression with the help of Master Yoda’s ghost, and die projecting himself across the galaxy in an attempt to stop Kylo and the First Order. [smirks] And then, and only then, would the time be right for my full return to the galactic stage. [cackles, shoots Force lightning into the air] Yoda: [scrubs his face with his hands] Rey: I…but how… Sidious: …did I know I could pull it off? My dear girl, it was all too easy. This galaxy is remarkably predictable. And not especially bright. And very easily confused. Especially the uh, male Skywalker contingent. [looks over at them pointedly] Luke: [building a daisy chain] Hmm? Anakin: [whispering, to Kylo] He’s talking about you. Obi-Wan: [facepalms]

reblog and make a wish! this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

Mace Windu: [on TV] The only Jedi we can possibly spare are Skywalker and Kenobi.  Me: OH COME ON. The only two guys they can EVER spare are these two bickering idiots?! Are they just spending the entire rest of the war lounging around being beautiful and tired and yelling at each other? Does no one WANT to send them anywhere, for understandable reasons? WHY. WHY ARE THEY ALMOST ALWAYS THE ONLY ONES AVAILABLE. The Order doesn’t have the MOST Jedi they’ve ever had, fine, but they have a LOT of Jedi.  Anakin: [blahblahblah Obi-Wan I’m trying blahblahblah] Obi-Wan: [being a pompous ass]  Me: OH MY GOD. THEY ARE THE WORST. WHY IS ANYONE SENDING THEM ANYWHERE. Husband: [from the other room] They’re your favorites.  Me: I KNOW.

Bruce is not hiding.

He’s simply…. giving Damian an opportunity to brush up on his sleuthing skills. It’s a warm gesture of affection— one that happened to involve him slipping silently into the den with a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough clutched to his chest. He’s beyond grateful that the lights are dimmed to the lowest setting and the loud, abrasive program Steph’s watching is turned up almost all the way.

This gives him room to be a bit clumsy in his getaway— er, teaching moment.

There’s a spot beneath a side table that sits beneath the shadows of the television. With his dignity intact, he crawls in and curls himself up as much as he can.

Freedom.

He gets five minutes of peace with the precious container of stolen goods. Three hundred seconds of nothing but sweet, cold goodness on a silver spoon. No complaints or demands. No pouty mouths or sniffling noses. Just freedom.

And then, the show cuts to a commercial break. Stephanie turns to him in slow motion, sees the cargo he’s handling and grins— wide and devilish. It has him holding the perspiration slick pint closer to his chest like a distressed damsel clutching her skirt.

“Why’re you hiding?”

“Not hiding.” He shovels a spoonful into his mouth, wincing as the chill sends a jarring wave of pain through his teeth. “Training exercise.”

She nods, still smiling. “And it wouldn’t help if Spoiler gave Robin the exact details of the thief that stole his last pint of ice cream.”

“We try not to encourage homicides remember.”

“Dami—”

He’s outbof his nook and has a hand over her mouth before she can finish. “You’re evil.”

She leaves a glob of spit in his palm. He sometimes forgets the sheer immaturity teenagers could possess.

“Get me Tim’s pint of chunky monkey and I’ll stay mum.”

“You’ll spoil your dinner.”

She raises both hands, feigning surrender, but there’s a spoon in one and his ice cream in the other. “Damian’ll ruin your face.”

“I never raised you to be so evil.”

“Bruce you didn’t even raise me.”

“Hnn.”

She makes a shooing motion with the spoon. “Go execute our deal, old man. I’ll protect your contraband.”

star wars edit with WW84 trailer music | by voordeel_ts [x]

reblog for anons to tell you who you are out of the members of the batfam, birds of prey and the justice league