When I Lay On My Soft Mattress,

When I lay on my soft mattress,

The crickets the only sounds

In the still night,

My mind journeys;

Regrets wash over me,

My heart aches.

The moon shines beyond my ceiling,

And I curl up in despair.

Six feet below the ground,

Someone rests for eternity.

Then I begin to wonder,

What of their last moments?

I wonder,

Was it loneliness they had to bear?

Paralyzed on the bed

Yearning to join the chorus of laughter outside?

Did they lie on the bed,

Hearing joyous melodies

And having no ability to join?

Was it unbearable?

Did they watch everyone walk pass

Not giving them a single glance?

Those moments that would be the last,

Was it filled with all-consuming hurt?

Had we been kinder,

Better,

Nicer,

Could it have been alleviated?

It's midnight,

I lie awake,

Thinking,

Hating myself.

I lie awake in wonder,

Did they loathe me?

That in their death bed,

I had abandoned them.

In their final minutes,

Did they cry silently?

Fully awake,

Yet unable to move an inch?

In the quiet night,

Everyone peacefully sleeping,

Did they weep

And give up?

Thinking that they will not be missed?

Thinking of their own regrets?

Thinking of what-ifs?

Thinking if they were good enough?

Were their last moments filled

With the same pain I share only a quarter of?

Or was it a peaceful goodbye

With silent wishes of a happy life?

A tear slips down my cheek,

Apologies resting on my tongue,

For only spirits to hear.

I cry regrets.

I should have done more.

Should have been better.

Selfish and cruel I am, so,

Perhaps it should have been me.

I think,

As I see pieces of you in strangers,

And fragments of happiness in my memories,

Yes, perhaps it should have been me.

I lay on my bed,

Thoughts chasing sleep away,

I dig my fingers on my scalp,

My eyes shut tight.

I writhe

To shoo the thoughts away.

Maybe it's your spirit,

Wishing vengeance upon me.

But I desperately hope,

You wear white,

And watch over me

With the same gentle embrace as I grew up in.

I love you,

That much is true.

I'm sorry,

I couldn't show it enough.

I love you,

You might doubt it.

I'm sorry,

It wasn't enough for me.

More Posts from Dwoality2123 and Others

1 year ago

Albedo: I made tea. Dottore: I don't want tea. Albedo: I did not make tea for you. I made it for me. Dottore: Then why are you telling me? Albedo: It's a conversation starter. Dottore: That's a lousy conversation starter. Albedo: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate, bitch.


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2 years ago

Gen is a total therapy friend


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1 year ago

For those who saw my earlier posts, nevermind. This thread was so long, I cannot even.

I wanna thank Pinterest for showing me this post:

Flash Thompson's flinch (excuse the language) | Andrew garfield spiderman, Thompsons, Amazing spiderman
Pinterest
Sep 18, 2015 - Flash Thompson's flinch (excuse the language)

CHIS ZYLKA’S ACTING IS ON POINT!! I didn’t even notice this when I watched it years ago in cinemas. Yeah, this is an 8-years-later reblog, don’t judge me

You wouldn't flinch if someone was going to throw a basketball at your head?

[x]

I’m sure you think you’re being original, but I’ve literally (and I do mean literally) seen about a hundred people respond with nearly the exact same wording, and every single one of you seem to be missing the point.

My post:

image

Are we really not talking about this flinch?

Flash Thompson’s father, canonically, is an abusive drunk.

Are we really not talking about this flinch

About a HUNDRED people have responded with various versions of your snotty question. For the most part I’ve just sat back and watched other people explain to you smug whiner-babies why you’re being ignorant high-and-mighty fucks who are completely missing the point of the post, but you came directly to my ask box and you went on anon, so it’s my turn.

Usually I don’t get bitchy when people send me asks, but this is as much in response to the other hundred of you as it is to you personally, so be warned, I’m not going to be nice about this.

Of course he’s flinching because of the fucking basketball. Nearly everyone would flinch in this context. Literally no one is denying that???

However, most people wouldn’t react to a basketball coming at their face by turning their back to it, getting low to the ground, and bracing their entire body. Most people would flinch back, maybe take a step back, and try to block the ball with their arm and shoulder. Most people wouldn’t have that expression of shame and dawning comprehension afterward. 

Do you know the difference between a bad actor and a good actor?

A bad actor tells one story.

A good actor tells a multitude of stories.

Of fucking course he’s flinching because there’s a basketball coming at his fucking head, that’s story #1, that’s literally the scene, NO ONE is debating or disputing that. There is no other reason for him to be flinching in this moment. 

The WAY he flinches is what’s interesting, because that’s story #2.

He turns away and brings his forearms up to cover his face — children in physically abusive homes learn to protect their faces at all costs so that no one sees evidence of the abuse and asks about it.

He braces his whole body.

He gets low to the ground.

And after he registers what’s happened he looks ashamed, humiliated, angry at HIMSELF, not at Peter.

When you react to something involuntarily, because of a learned behavior, because of anxiety or fear, and you realize you’ve reacted incorrectly to the situation at hand? That you’re using the wrong social script, and your reaction was disproportionate to the situation? THAT is the fucking look on his face afterward.

Anyone with anxiety can relate to that expression. That expression says “fuck, I fucked up, now everyone knows.” It’s fear and shame and self loathing, and it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the fucking basketball.

Would I flinch if someone was going to throw a basketball at my head? Yes, of course I would. But I wouldn’t flinch like THAT. I’m going to go out on a limb here, since you’re being an asshole about this, and say neither would you.


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3 years ago

Kaeya: Hey Klee,

Klee: Yes, big brother Kaeya?

Kaeya:Life is like a bomb. It takes a lot of things to make, but it takes only one tiny step for it to be lost. That's why, you need to be careful. Understood?

Klee: I...understand.

Kaeya: Good. Now, let's go check up on Albedo.

Klee: Yey!!


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1 year ago

Okay but Draco Malfoy in a white tee, black leather pants, black leather jacket, black boots, ear piercings, maybe couple other face piercings, some tatts under his clothes, and, like, one side of his hair comb back or ruffled and jewelries and no-makeup makeup look??? Hot. And a younger Snape wearing a loose tee that shows his collarbones, jewelries, piercings, chains, ripped jeans maybe skinny to show that ass, tatts, and his hair up in a half-do with some strands falling to frame his face, with eyeliner and light makeup?? Hot. I need the Blacks and the Malfoys + Snape looking hot in muggle clothing, please


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1 year ago

the guilt I feel when I’m doing something else instead of writing is there, it’s just not strong enough to make me stop doing that something else and start writing. so it’s just there; enough to make me feel guilt, but not enough to make me write. 

thus most of the times, I’m doing something else while feeling guilty knowing I should be writing.


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2 years ago

Abigail Armstrong and Oliver Lloyd's friendship is goals. They're such an underrrated pair.


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1 year ago

My SpideyFlash-loving heart melts at the thought that Flash is technically one of the most constant person in his life. They've known each other since they were young and became good friends as they grew older. Flash has known Peter longer than anyone else in the coffee bean gang. So, like, Spectacular Spider-Man where Peter and Flash are childhood friends and Peter gave Flash his nickname—


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Dwoality

I have no idea what I'm doing 99% of the time

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