The Things I Would Do For Her😩

ENGLISH TRANSLATION:

I don't know who they are [the people buried]. Every time I pass by here, I stop and say hello. We found them weeks ago lying and covered in their own blood in the middle of the road, two young men in the flower of their youth seemed as if they are sleeping. We buried them in the eastern region of Al Saraya.

I am sorry to all the unidentified martyrs. I am sorry to every martyr we did not bury till now. I am sorry to all the martyrs we couldn't register the names of or save their pictures. I am sorry to every martyr who offered his soul for the land [Gaza/Palestine] and wasn't given his own grave to rest in. I am sorry to my friend Refaat @/itranslate123 who has been under the rubble for 40 days and still is. I am sorry once to the martyrs we know, and a thousand times for those we don't.

END OF TRANSLATION

The idea of having a loved one killed and buried without my knowledge is terrifying. However, it is the reality of many Palestinians who bury unidentified martyrs, and the Palestinians who cannot find their family members and do not know whether they're still alive or not. We must keep talking about Palestine, and we must keep exposing the crimes of the Israeli occupation!

Seafood - Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

(Can be read as stand-alone stories, but there may be connections! 😏)

Tariq: The Desert Clan - Part 1 / Part 2

Deathsinger - Part 1 / Part 2

Gone Rogue - Part 1 / Part 2

Masterlist

The Easter Bunny - Werecat (Max) - Part 1 / Part 2

Shadow Creature (Rukha) - Part 1 / Part 2

Demon (Xavarran) - Part 1 / Part 2

Witch (Ezekiel) - Part 1

Lizardman (Kaelus) - Part 1

Mershark (Seth) - Part 1

Lycan (Henry) & Half Vampire (Jared) - Part 1

Dear Princess - Part 1

Werewolf (Camden) - Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

Whale-Mer (Kaei) - Part 1

The Wedded Knight - Part 1

Orc (Oak) - Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4

Demon Z - Part 1

Vampires (Daenyel & Renaya) - Part 1 / Part 2

The Abominable Drider (Ceyli) - Part 1

Before He Was Ruined - Part 1

Count On Their Claws - Part 1

SPORE - Part 1

The Corinthian - Part 1

Santos - Fallen Saints - Part 1

Half-Cyborg (Alexandrian) - Part 1

Darlings; There's Something In My Teeth - Part 1

The Unlovables - Part 1

This Was Once Home: The Gentle Giant - Part 1

Movie Night - Part 1

Minotaur-Demon Hybrid - Part 1

Miscellaneous

Une Amourette - Part 1

The Dove Cage - Part 1

Piper And The Vampire - Part 1

The Mildest Bite (sfw stories)

Vampire teeth - Part 1

Wolfboy - Part 1 / (Excerpt)

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All the really short things I post that don't have a title will be tagged as #monsterimagine so that you can filter for those if you wish!

Just in case I haven't been explicitly clear on this

This blog supports PALESTINE

If you are a:

zionist

apartheid apologist

white liberal settler

genocide denier

someone who considers themselves neutral

have the AUDACITY to suggest a "two-state solution"

Not-so-kindly fuck off. If anyone supports Israel after their joke of a presentation today, I genuinely and truly believe you have the comprehension, intelligence and moral sense of right and wrong comparable to a fucking toddler and even that is an insult to toddlers.

Hell is hot for the oppressors and everyone who aids them and I wish nothing but the worse for them.

Ravadhi (Part 2)

Rating: Mature Relationship: Female Human x Male Half-Orc Additional Tags: Exophilia, Orc, Half-Orc, Interspecies Romance Content Warnings:Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Attempted Sexual Assault, Implied Child Molestation, Child Neglect, Child Abandonment, Alcoholism, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Racism Words: 4109

The Traveler’s Masterlist

The following afternoon before heading to work, she managed to cover most of the bruises on her face well enough with makeup, though it took almost an hour and the split to her lip was still noticeable. She also wore a heavy turtleneck, despite the weather.

Such a fucking cliche. It was almost funny. She’d laugh, except that laughing hurt. Everything hurt.

Keep reading

Ravadhi (Part 3)

Rating: Mature Relationship: Female Human x Male Half-Orc Additional Tags: Exophilia, Orc, Half-Orc, Orc Boyfriend, Interspecies Romance, Angst, Slow Burn Content Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Alcoholism, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Racism, Implied Molestation, Child Neglect, Child Abandonment Words: 4493

We learn more about Ravadhi’s parents and the rumors about him being a criminal. Holly tells Ravadhi about the agreement she made with her father for Sarah’s safety. Please leave feedback!

The Traveler’s Masterlist

They pulled up to Rod’s Diner on the other end of town, which was the only place that stayed open twenty four hours. Ravadhi led her to the booth at the very back and let her take her seat before sitting on the other side of the booth across from her.

“This place has great cheesecake,” Holly said. “I’ve only been here a few times with Sarah, but I always get it.”

“I’m buying, so get whatever you want. Get some cheesecake. Hell, get two,” Ravadhi said with a smile.

“No, no, a sandwich is fine,” Holly insisted.

Keep reading

back on tumblr now that twitter’s gone to shit? here’s some important changes you should know

Happy Ace Week!!! 🖤🤍💜

Many hours ago, you’d come home and found a large stone in your refrigerator. Bemused, you took it and chucked it out into your garden. Now, there was a very large troll standing at your door, looking very put out.

I've had this realisation way too many times

Late night talk about how I'm afraid of dating because I want a romantic relationship but not a sexual one (or at least not right away) made the realization that I may end up alone forever hit like a truck

Ravadhi (Part 10)

Rating: Mature Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationship: Female Human x Male Half-Orc Additional Tags: Exophilia, Half-Orc, Monster Boyfriend, Interspecies Romance,Angst, Slow Burn Content Warning: Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Alcoholism, Drug Abuse Words: 5009

Ravadhi recovers from a brutal attack at work, and Holly reaches out for advice. Please reblog and leave feedback!

Holly arrived at the hospital in the sheriff’s patrol car and followed him inside. All he’d told her was that Ravadhi had been injured at work, but hadn’t said more than that. She followed him into the ambulance entrance and toward the intensive care unit.

“Dr. Givens,” The sheriff said, flagging down a lavender-colored tiefling woman in a white coat, pouring over paperwork and looking frayed. 

“Are you the family of Ravadhi Silversmith?” The doctor asked. 

Holly nodded. 

“What’s your relation?” 

“I’m his girlfriend.” 

“I’m sorry, but only immediate family is allowed into–” 

“His entire family is dead, I’m all he has,” Holly said abruptly. “What happened?” 

Dr. Givens shot a glance at Sheriff Scott, who nodded, and replied, “He sustained several stab wounds to the abdomen and a blow to the head. Fortunately, the knife missed most of his vital organs, though there was a nick on his liver, but his large intestine was bisected and needed to be stitched up. His spleen was also ruptured and needed to be removed. He has a bit of a concussion, as well.”

“Will he be alright?”  

“He’ll be on some serious painkillers for a while, but yes, he’ll be fine.” 

“No painkillers!” Holly said immediately. “You haven’t given him any yet, have you?” 

Dr. Givens looked confused. “He’s sedated, but no, we haven’t given him any pain meds yet.  If it’s because he’s an orc–”

“He’s a recovering addict,” Holly said tersely. “He’s been sober for years. Don’t give him any pain meds unless he explicitly asks for them, and even then, I’d recommend having him see a psychologist first.” 

“That’s not in my chart,” Dr. Givens said, looking at the clipboard. 

“Trust me,” Holly said. “Don’t give him any pain meds.”

Dr. Givens sighed. “Alright, but the second he asks for them, I’m giving them to him, no matter what you say.” 

“That’s fine,” Holly said. “Can I see him?” 

“He’s in post-op at the moment,” Dr. Givens replied. “I’ll have a nurse retrieve you when he’s in a room.” 

“Thank you,” Holly said. As Dr. Givens walked off, Holly turned to Sheriff Scott. “What happened? Who was it?” 

“Mr. Silversmith was involved in an altercation at his place of work. There was an attempted theft of platinum plating that Mr. Silversmith prevented,” Sheriff Scott replied. “We caught one of the perpetrators, but that’s all I can tell you. The investigation is ongoing.” 

“I understand,” Holly exhaled, exhausted. “Thank you for letting me know.” 

“Don’t thank me,” The sheriff said. “If you hadn’t ordered a check, it’s likely he wouldn’t have been found until morning, and he very well could have bled out by then.”  

 Holly gulped. The sheriff patted her arm and gestured to the sitting area before walking away.

Holly sat heavily in the chair, feeling numb. Ravadhi always seemed like a wall that could stop anything. The idea that some random asshole could have taken him away from her over plating was… horrifying. And infuriating. 

The intensive care unit only allowed visitors every three hours for fifteen minutes, so when she was finally called back to see him, she’d been stewing for over two hours. Ravadhi was lying in the hospital bed, looking pale, breathing steadily. Seeing him, her savior, looking helpless and injured made her heart drop.

She laid one of her hands on his. “Vadhi?” 

His eyes opened slowly. He seemed confused at first, as though he wasn’t sure where he was, but when he saw her, he smiled. 

“Hey, honey,” He said. 

“Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine,” He said, his smile widening. “Just a scrape.” 

She laughed, which immediately evolved into sobs. 

“You can’t do that to me,” She said, easing down and placing her head on his shoulder gently. “Don’t leave me like that.” 

 Gingerly, he reached up and petted her hair. “I’m sorry, babe.” 

“No,” Holly shook her head, sniffling. “It’s not your fault. I was just really scared.” 

“I know,” He said, kissing her head. “It’s okay.”

Holly straightened up and looked at him, assessing. She could see a split in his lip and some bruising around his eye.

“Does it hurt badly?” 

“It’s fine,” Ravadhi said, shifting. “I’m just worried about what they gave me while I was asleep.” 

“I told them not to give you anything,” Holly said. “The doctor said you were sedated with gas, so you haven’t had any narcotics or painkillers.” 

Ravadhi sighed heavily in relief. “Thank you.” He looked at the IV in his arm. “This is making me very anxious.” 

“The doctor said that you can have it out as early as the day after tomorrow,” Holly said. “Depending on when you’re able to be moved out of the ICU.” 

 “That’s good.” He looked up at the clock on the wall and hissed. “Gods, it’s four in the morning. You should go home and get some sleep, honey.” 

Holly shook her head vehemently. “I’m not leaving.” 

Ravadhi chuckled, then grimaced. “It’s not like I’m going anywhere.” 

“I don’t care,” Holly said. “I’m not leaving.” 

The next morning after breakfast, Ravadhi was moved out of intensive care and to an observation room on the surgical ward. Observation rooms weren’t quite the same as intensive care; it was the same level of attention as the ICU but had normal visiting hours. Thankfully, he was healing quickly and there were no life-threatening injuries, since the internal bleeding stopped and the damaged organs were either repaired or removed. 

Ravadhi continually requested for his IV to be removed, which was causing him a great amount of anxiety, pleading with the nurses to send up a psychologist to assess his mental state. They eventually agreed to call on a psychologist, who agreed with Ravadhi that the IV should be removed. It was only after the IV was removed that Ravadhi seemed to relax. 

“Are you okay?” Holly asked him after the nurses left with the IV stand. 

“Yeah,” He said with a sigh. “It’s just… the feeling of the needle in the skin… it triggers that impulse. The whole time I had it in, the urge to request pain meds was always right at the front of my mind, and I was struggling to suppress it. I still feel the… craving, I guess, but it’s not as intense now as it was before.” He took her hand and squeezed it. “Will you help me? Please? Stop me from asking for the medicine. It doesn’t matter if I scream or beg, don’t let me take it. I’ll put it down in writing, if I need to. Don’t let me throw away thirteen years.” 

“I won’t, I promise,” Holly told him, squeezing his hand back. “I’ll help.” 

He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed her fingers. “Thank you.” 

“Are you in a lot of pain, though? Be honest.” 

“Honestly? This is probably the worst physical pain I’ve been in, other than detoxing after I tried to OD.”

“Can I do anything to help?” 

“You already are,” He said, smiling gently at her. “The sheriff told me I’d be dead if it weren’t for you.” 

You shrugged. “I’m sure that’s not true.” 

“I’m sure it is,” Ravadhi replied. “I owe you.” 

Holly shook her head. “No, you don’t. If anything, we’re even now. I should probably start paying you rent.” 

He snorted, but then sobered. “I have enough savings to support us for the next few months, at least. I just hope I recover and find a new job before I run out of money.” 

“I mean, I’ll totally pay rent, now that I’ve got a job,” Holly insisted. 

“No, no, you don’t have to worry about that, honey,” Ravadhi said. “It’s my job to take care of you.” 

“But isn’t it also my job to take care of you?” Holly fired back. 

He smiled. “You already do. Don’t worry, I’ll figure something out.” 

Holly debated for a moment before speaking again. As afraid as she was to place trust in anyone, she desperately wanted to be able to trust Ravadhi in all aspects, and this confession was the next step. She swallowed.

“Ravadhi… My mom left me some money. She had opened a secret bank account for when we would escape, and it’s been accruing interest for ten years, so there’s quite a bit in there.” 

“Really? How much?” 

“$53,000.”

Ravadhi blinked. “...whoa.” 

“Let me take care of things, at least until you’re back on your feet. It’s only fair, considering everything you did for me. I want to do this for you, so that you can take as much time as you need to heal without worrying about anything.” 

Ravadhi frowned, contemplative. “Are you sure? You’re not responsible for my expenses, honey. I don’t want to take advantage of you.” 

“It’s not your expenses, Ravadhi, it’s our expenses,” Holly said. “You didn’t plan to get stabbed any more than I planned to get beat near to death. You helped me then when I didn’t have anyone to turn to, and you never asked for a thing in return. The least I can do is do the same for you.  You taught me that when you care about someone, you want to share their burdens. So let me help. Please.” 

Ravadhi’s frown softened and he stared at Holly fondly, lifting a hand to cup her cheek, rubbing his thumb across her skin. 

“Okay,” He said, pulling her close. He kissed her softly. 

Ravadhi was released within a week. It was great that orcs healed twice as quickly as other races; he’d likely have had to stay another two weeks if he had been human. 

 Holly picked him up in his own truck, which he had to get into very slowly so that he wouldn’t reopen his wounds, and she drove very carefully down the pothole-ridden roads. When they got back home, she helped him inside and steered him into the master bedroom, where she had been sleeping up until that point. 

“Wait, why aren’t we going to my room?” He asked her. 

“The same reason you put me in this room when I first got here,” She said. “It’s got an attached bathroom and it’s the closest to the kitchen and living room. You’ll be the most comfortable here.” 

“Where will you sleep?”

“In the room where you were sleeping. I’ve already switched our stuff over.” 

“Are you okay with that?” 

“Ravadhi, this is your house,” She said with a laugh. “You can sleep in any room you want. I’m basically just a guest.” 

Ravadhi frowned as she settled him on the side of the bed. “No, you’re not. You’re my girlfriend, and before that you were my best friend. You’ve never been just a guest. This is your home, too; it has been since you got here.” 

She smiled softly. “Then I misspoke. Even still, this is the best room for a person on the mend. No arguing.” 

He snickered. “You’re the boss, boss.” 

“Good. Now the boss says ‘lay down’.” 

“Actually, I really need to take a shower. They wouldn’t let me in the hospital because of the stitches, but they said I could when I got home. Can you help me get my shirt and the bandages off? It hurts to lift my arms above my head and I can’t reach the ones on my back.”

“Of course,” Holly said. She carefully drew his t-shirt off over his head, and gently peeled the bandages off of his wounds, wincing at the sight of them. She couldn’t imagine how much pain he was in; as many times as she’d been injured, she’d never been stabbed before. “When can the stitches come out?” 

“In another couple of days,” He said. “I’ll likely have to go back to the doctor to get it done.” 

“Nonsense,” She said. “I can do it. I’ve treated enough of my own wounds that I’m practically an expert in wound care.” 

Ravadhi grimaced sympathetically but didn’t say anything. 

“Let me know when you’re done showering and I’ll help you clean and redress the wounds, okay?” 

“Okay,” He said, pulling her down for a kiss. “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome,” She said. “I’ll go start a casserole while you’re in there. I’m sure you’re ready for some real food, having eaten hospital garbage for the last week.” 

He sighed happily. “You really are the best, honey.” 

She smiled and kissed him, leaving him to shower in peace.  

Except when she went back ten minutes later to check on him, she realized she couldn’t hear the shower running. Rather, she heard him sighing unhappily. She knocked on the door.

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah,” He called back. “I finished washing, but I can’t lift my arms to wash my hair.” 

“Would you like me to do it?” 

There was a pause. “Is that okay? I’m kinda naked.” 

“You’ve got a towel on, right?” 

“Well, yeah,” He said. 

“Then it’s fine. Can I come in?” 

“Yeah, it’s unlocked.” 

Holly opened the door and stepped inside. Ravadhi was sitting on the side of the tub, hunched and holding his side a little. The towel was wrapped loosely around his hips. It was as undressed as she’d ever seen him, and it made Holly’s heart flutter a little, both in anxiousness and attraction. It was a strange mix of feelings.

“Here,” She said, putting a footstool in the shower stall. “Sit here and I’ll help you.” 

Ravadhi stood gingerly and followed Holly to the shower, dutifully sitting on the stool as she directed. She tilted his head back, took down the detachable shower head, and ran it over his hair. Other than the times when he had to close his eyes, he watched her, his expression all open trust, and it made her face flush. 

“This feels really nice,” He said softly as she rinsed out the shampoo. “I might actually fall asleep.” 

“Don’t fall asleep in the shower, babe,” She said, laughing. 

“It kinda reminds me of when I was a kid and my mom would stroke my head when I was sick,” He said, his expression becoming wistful. “I can’t imagine the earful I’d get if she could see me like this.”

“I can; I’ve been biting my tongue all week,” Holly said sternly, applying conditioner. “Just you wait until you’re not in danger of reopening your wounds. You’ve got a strongly worded lecture coming your way, mister.”

He grinned. “I’ll take it happily.” His smile faded and he looked contemplative. “When I was laid out at the factory, losing consciousness…” He looked up, his eyes staring at the ceiling, unfocused. “I kept thinking about you. I kept thinking that I’d never see you again, that there was so much I hadn’t shown you yet. We haven’t seen a movie together in a theater yet. We haven’t taken Sarah to an amusement park or the zoo or the aquarium yet. I was thinking about how much I wanted to see you at your happiest and I wanted to be with you when you got there, and how I would never get the chance. And I remembered wondering… is this what my parents thought, when they died? Did they have all this… regret?”

Holly’s hands stilled in Ravadhi’s hair. “When I was struggling to breathe outside my window that night,” She said slowly; Ravadhi’s eyes refocused and locked on her face. “I was worried about leaving Sarah alone, but I didn’t feel any regret. I felt… relief. I called you because a part of me wanted to stay for Sarah, but as I was fading out in your truck, I just remember thinking… ‘finally.’ I was… ready to go. I wanted to go.” Tears sprang to her eyes and her voice shook. “At the time, I didn’t know things could be better. I thought my only escape was dying. I’m glad I didn’t.” 

He took her hand and gripped it. “Me too, sweetheart,” He whispered. 

“Thank you.  For everything.” 

He kissed her knuckles, one by one. “Right back at you.”

She sniffed, wiped her eyes, and gave him a swift kiss on the lips before going back to her task. Ravadhi continued to watch her face, as if committing it to memory.

When she was finished, she went out so that he could get dressed, then came back in to rebandage his wounds. After she was done, the casserole was ready, and she brought him his dinner in bed.  He didn’t eat much, and she imagined he was getting tired. She took the plates to the kitchen, helped him lay back, and told him to rest and call if he needed anything. He smiled and closed his eyes, asleep before she shut the door.

For the next few days, they fell into a new routine that was almost the reverse of when Holly had first come to live with Ravadhi. In the morning, she’d wake him with breakfast and make a simple lunch he could reheat on his own before leaving for work. When she got off work, she made sure he was doing alright and, if he was feeling up to it, they’d sit together in the living room and watch a movie, cuddled up to each other. 

One slow afternoon while Holly was working with Lucy, Lucy asked, “How’s Ravadhi been doing? Is he healing alright?” 

“Yeah,”  Holly replied, washing the counter. “He’ll be back on his feet in no time. He’s a tank, that one.” 

“I’m sure it’ll be nice to get back into being intimate, too,” Lucy said playfully. “After Tumble broke his leg, I couldn’t touch him for weeks while he healed.” 

“Oh… we… we don’t… we haven’t…” Holly blushed and fell silent. 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Lucy said, holding a hand to her mouth. “I didn’t mean to insinuate anything. Don’t listen to me, my brain-to-mouth filter must be broken.” 

“It’s okay,” Holly said, pensive. “Actually… can I ask you something?” 

“Sure, hon, what’s up?” 

“How long had you been dating Tumble before being intimate with him?” 

“Well, we slept together for the first time on the same day we decided to date,” Lucy said, blushing in remembrance. “But we had been living together for months by that point out of convenience.” 

“Hmm,” Holly said. 

Lucy considered Holly closely. 

“Do you want to be intimate with Ravadhi? You’ve been dating for months now, right?”

Holly nodded. “I… don’t know… It’s hard to tell.” 

“Why’s that?”

Holly tried to say something, but the shame kept her lips shut. 

“How about this?” Lucy said. “Why don’t you meet some friends of mine? They’re… experts, so to speak, in this sort of thing.”

“What do you mean? Intimacy experts?” 

“Something like that,” Lucy said. “You don’t have to be detailed about your interests or tell them anything embarrassing if you don’t want to, they can just give you some general advice.” 

Holly considered it, then nodded. “I suppose it couldn’t hurt.” 

About a week later, Lucy had invited Holly over to her house for brunch. Sitting at the table when she arrived were two people, a man and a woman, who Holly had never met before.

“Holly, this is my friend Kiri. We went to high school together,” Lucy said, gesturing to her in an introductory fashion. “And her boyfriend Rolgun.”  

Kiri was a very lovely-looking human woman, and Rolgun was a handsome, well-built, red-skinned tiefling with gold eyes, silvery horns, and salt-and-pepper hair.

“It’s very nice to meet you,” Kiri said, shaking Holly’s hand.

Rolgun did not extend his hand, rather kept them clasped firmly in front of him. Ravadhi once told Holly that therapists did this sometimes to make people feel safer, because you always knew where their hands were. He smiled warmly and echoed Kiri’s greeting.

“I’m very pleased to meet you, Holly. Lucy told us you’re very sweet and a hard worker. She’s very proud of you for asking for help. I know it was probably difficult for you.”

You took a large breath and nodded in agreement. “Thanks for agreeing to see me informally.”

“Let’s sit down,” Lucy said. “Tumble took the girls to the trampoline park, so they’ll be gone for a while. They love the trampoline park.”

The four of you sat down at the table to the spread that Lucy had provided for lunch, some of which had been baked by Tumble earlier that day.

“So, Lucy says you have some questions you wanted to ask us?” Kiri said, taking a bite of her quiche.

“Well, she had mentioned something about one of you being a specialist?” Holly asked.

“In a way,” Rolgun said. “I’m actually a sex worker. I used to be an escort, but nowadays I mostly work in pornography as a performer. However, I’ve recently begun work with a psychotherapist to help women treat and overcome sexual dysfunction, whether it’s caused by a physical condition or trauma.”

“In what way?”

“Well,” Kiri said. “I have a condition called vaginismus, which makes sex virtually impossible for me. For women like me, he helps them with the exercises to relax the muscles and open them up. We tried that kind of therapy to help my condition, but I ultimately decided it wasn’t for me. It’s what got him interested in sexual therapy in the first place, though. He’s actually gotten a PhD. in sexual psychology.”

“That’s actually kind of sweet,” Holly said, smiling a little.

“I think so,” Kiri said, kissing Rolgun’s cheek. “I’m so proud of him.”

“So what does your work entail, if I may ask?” Holly said.

“When it comes to anyone with sexual trauma,” Rolgun explained. “There is often physical trauma, but it’s predominantly psychological, and I’m sure you can understand why. In those cases, my role is to talk with the patients, get them comfortable with my presence during their therapy sessions with the psychologist, and then eventually when the patient feels they’re ready, we’d have sessions alone. Monitored by the psychologist, of course. The entire point of the exercise is building trust.  I do what I can to help my patients enjoy sex in a healthy way, up to and including having intercourse with them. It’s completely up to the patient, of course. I’ve helped counsel dozens of women, but to date, only three have decided to engage in intercourse with me as part of their therapy. Although, some of them are already in relationships when they experience their trauma, in which case I will council both them and their partner in how to approach sexual relations comfortably after the assault.”

“Do you have positive results?” Holly asked.

“For the most part, we do,” Rolgun said. “There are some cases so severe that it would take many, many years of therapy to help them, and we do what we can in conjunction with medication and other specialists. And we also understand that this kind of therapy is rather controversial and isn’t for everyone.” He leaned forward and rested on his elbows. “People don’t have to seek therapy, though I would highly recommend that they do. But this is an informal meeting, so I’m happy to answer any questions you have. Informally.”

“Well… I have a boyfriend,” She began. “He’s been… amazing. Kind, sweet, understanding… and… he says not to worry about it, but I feel like at some point he’s going to want to have sex, and I don’t feel prepared.”

“Well, first I would ask if you are interested in sex personally,” Rolgun asked. “Could there be a possibility that you are sex-repulsed or asexual?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I don’t think so,” Holly responded uncertainly. “I’ve never really had the chance to explore my sexuality, so I’m not really sure.”

“Can you tell us why that is?” Kiri asked gently.

Holly took a deep breath, blowing it out shakily and putting down her fork. She took a moment to steel herself, feeling the panic rise up in her.

“It’s okay, honey, take your time,” Lucy said, patting Holly’s shoulder.

“I’ve… I’ve never… said this out loud before. Not to anyone.” She began to shake, and gripped her hands to keep them still. “When I was twelve, my father…” She swallowed the lump in her throat and blinked back tears. “He… started molesting me… he raped me. For years. He didn’t stop until he was arrested several months ago for nearly beating me to death. He used my sister as a weapon to keep me obedient, threatening to hurt her if I didn’t do what I was told. It’s why I never left or told anyone, because I was scared he would move on to her.”

There was sympathetic silence at the table. No one was eating now.

“Ravadhi… my boyfriend… he saved my life. Literally; he found me bleeding out after my dad beat me nearly to death and got me to the hospital in time before I drowned in my own blood. And after, he took me in and gave me a home, a real one, and he’s never asked for anything in return. He’s been protecting me and caring for me almost since the day we met. I haven’t told him this yet, but I love him very, very much.”

“I don’t mean to insinuate anything by asking this,” Rolgun asked gently. “But are you sure your thoughts about having intercourse with him aren’t because you feel like you owe him for rescuing you?”

“I don’t know,” Holly said uncertainly. “I hope not. I mean, I absolutely do owe him my life. But I also know that I really do love him, regardless of that fact.”

“You don’t think he’d ever force you, do you?” Kiri asked.

“Oh, god no. Without going into too much of his past traumas, he’s a survivor himself, so he’d never.”

“I understand. Do you believe you have sexual feelings for him, like urges or desires?”

Holly thought about it. “I think I do? When he hugs me tight or kisses me, or even if we’re just cuddling together watching a movie, I feel… something. Like I want to be closer. I weirdly feel kind of… hungry? Does that make sense? That’s not quite right, but that’s the only word that comes to mind. It’s so hard to sort between the good feelings and the bad ones.”

Rolgun nodded. “That’s fairly common, I’m afraid. I’m going to ask a very personal question now, if that’s alright?”

“Sure.”

“Have you ever masturbated or had an orgasm?”

“I’ve never… touched myself, if that’s what you mean,” Holly said, blushing. “How would I know if I’ve had an orgasm?”

“You’d know,” Lucy and Kiri said in unison.

“Oh,” Holly said in surprise. “Then, I guess I haven’t.”

“I think that would be a good place to start. You have nothing in your memory or experiences that ties sex to pleasure. For you, it’s only associated with pain and humiliation. I think the very first step for you will be self-exploration. I can give you the links to some sites with instructional guides specifically tailored to women with early sexual trauma.”

He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small notebook and began writing. You looked over his arm and watched him scrawl several websites onto the paper.

“These are normally given to patients and need a doctor’s code to be accessed outside of a clinic, which I’ll provide for you. You’ll probably feel weird or maybe even disgusted and repulsed when you start, but keep trying. Self-exploration and self-satisfaction is the beginning of psycho-sexual maturity, and you’ve never had the opportunity to do that. Before you start thinking about sex with a partner, you need to retrain your brain and body to associate sex with pleasure. Your pleasure specifically. It won’t erase the trauma, of course, and again I’d recommend you seek a counselor, but it will open the door for healthy sexual activity.”

He tore the paper from the notebook and handed it to you. You took it and read it numbly, briefly wondering if he’d just given you porn sites. But they looked really official: some of them were sites for well-known national universities.

“I appreciate this,” Holly said. “I want to move on and start living my life. My dad’s gone, but he’s still got his claws in me and I hate that. It’s not fair. He shouldn’t get to dictate how I live from the grave.”

“Exactly!” Rolgun said approvingly. “That’s very encouraging, Holly. You’re already in a good head space, and I feel like you’re definitely ready to move forward. I’m glad I could help.”

“If you have more questions in the future, I can give you my number and pass the message on to Rolgun,” Kiri said, taking Rolgun’s notepad and jotting down her number. “It would be inappropriate for Rolgun to have your number, even if he’s not your therapist. When it comes to sex therapy, the rules are very strict, to protect both the patient and the counselor’s privacy and safety. For him to give you any formal advice or counseling privately automatically makes you a patient and the same rules would apply to you.”

“I understand. I appreciate all of your help, both of you,” Holly said. “It means a lot to me. I love Ravadhi and I want to be a good girlfriend to him. But I also want to be intimate with him for myself. It would be a huge step forward.”

“You’re more than welcome. I would suggest talking to your boyfriend about this,” Rolgun replied. “The self-exploration, I mean. He might be able to help as well; you can slowly integrate him into your personal play to get used to having a second person with you when you experience pleasure. And even if you would prefer to do it on your own, he should be in the loop. Healthy discussion between partners is very important in an intimate relationship.”

“I’ll tell him,” Holly said.

The conversations turned to other things, and eventually Holly left with a lot to think about.

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