I Love Smut And Everything But Where Is The Angst That Makes Me Wanna Cry And Die At The Same Time

content: childhood friends angst, hurt/comfort but like 90% hurt, romantically ambiguous relationship, matt holt centric

wc: ~1.8k

"I told myself, sometimes," Matt says, slowly, "that if I ever made my way back to you, I hoped that you'd have found someone else.”

The mattress creaks beneath you. His words hang still in the air — dappled by the thin starlight, tentative, solitary things, not quite themselves when out in the open. The Castle of Lions is unforgiving in its cold. Your skin prickles. Hands ache to grasp at the ghost of someone you’ve never really known before. 

“Do you still believe that?” You ask.

Matt’s eyes shift in a way that makes your heart jump, and you think that maybe it is the wrong thing to say. You amend, voice nearly inaudible through the inexplicable tightness of your throat: “Did you ever believe that?”

The silence eats you whole. It is dark inside the maw, your bodies resting gingerly on its tongue, so precarious that when you breathe it ricochets off of cavernous walls. Eventually: 

“No.”

There’s a resignation in his truth. Bereft and lonely and weightless. “No, I don’t.” His smile catches on the corner of your peripheries, aching. “Guess that makes me a horrible person, huh?”

“Of course not,” you answer automatically, although your head is still swimming. Your voice meekens into something raw. “I felt that way about you, too. You were my best friend.” 

He was, wasn’t he? You're struck with a sudden, vivid memory: winter, nine years ago. A soft shelter of mismatched blankets teetering overhead, cascading down like the walls of a heaven you thought you’d find forever in. Plush cushions. Giddy smiles. That feeling of invulnerability. You and him, pressed shoulder-to-shoulder in the warm air, flashlights pinned on planets, moons, stars, circumstellar discs, fragments of a world you swore you'd one day seize in your bare hands. You got your wish in the end, but if this is the cost–

“You were mine, too.” Matt says, just as your heart threatens to cave in. Then he shakes his head. Lets out a soft puff of air. “God, what am I saying? You’re still mine.” His elbow presses into your side. “Who else would’ve stuck with Pidge all the way through the Garrison?” 

You huff. “Hey. Put some respect on her name.” He chortles and your head slips against his shoulder. “Besides– she wasn’t the only reason I stayed. I kind of wanted a career, you know.” The levity of the moment cuts through the haunting, if only for a moment; a sudden burst of courage sparks in your veins. Lower, just a fraction: “And I wanted you back.” 

It shouldn’t be so hard to say. This is the Matt you loved – the one who used to hold your hand whenever the dark would close in on you, who taught you all the constellations as you saw them reflected in his eyes. Who was everything you could never find in all your textbooks and prizes and sleepless nights. You’d cried over him, curled up in a half-empty bed with an emptier heart, begging for an answer that only came once you’d finally been able to wrench your gaze away. Too late. Always too late. This never should’ve been something time could seize, but it is.

If you’d never left, would we have been fine? Questions, questions. All unasked. Am I still the me who could love you the way you deserved? 

Matt lingers at the boundary where your vision dissolves into the black, and you are dimly aware of the warmth of his palm enveloping yours, the quiet pulse of his blood. You think you could map out his veins in black ink blindfolded. You could model him from clay and electricity, angles and planes and geometric forms coalescing into the flickering image of your heart. You could drag your fingertips across the ravine seared hypertrophic into his cheek, chart each new valley and bound crossing the landscape of his skin, and would it be enough?

My best friend. You squeeze your eyes shut. 

You can lift a weight off your shoulders, but sometimes that does nothing more than remind you of how empty you are without it. Matt is here, and he’s alive, and he holds you with a tenderness that cleaves you open raw. What do you do now that he isn’t just a wish? Now that he isn’t the spectre you carried around like it was breathing before you drowned? You’d wanted him without thinking about having him, because the last time you got what you wanted you ended up fighting a war. 

(Scared. That’s what you are. That’s what you’ve always been. Scared of loving things — scared of losing things — how different are they, really?)

Matt’s palm closes over your own. 

“You know what I’d think of, whenever everything up here just got too…” A vague gesture. You track the movement greedily. “Too much?” He swivels towards you, eyes soft and devastating as twin nebulae. “I’d think of you. Of— of us. And Pidge, and Mom, of course— all of you, back on Earth. I promised myself that I wouldn’t give up until I said everything I needed to say to you. It kept me going.”

He exhales. “It was like breathing to me.” 

He's warm beside you, older, sharper features painted a mute silver by the rays trickling in through the window. It winds over him, wraps him up in a way that makes him look so fragile you worry that all it would take to whisk him away again is a single tug of the rope. 

“Well,” you offer him a sliver of a failing smile, “We’re here, now.”

We. Self-forgetting. An easy facade. Matt might be considering it.

“Yeah.” He mumbles, finally. “You are.”

It could be cruel, the way you look at him. It’s selfish to want when you yourself have nothing to give – and yet something tells you that to tear your gaze away would be to undo the seams of your very existence. What happens next? He could say a million things, each of which you are more undeserving of than the last. Maybe you could learn to pull him back into you again, natural as anything else that has ever existed. As if it’s the only thing that was ever really meant to happen between the two of you – no forsaken missions and no alien warships and no fabled weapons at the edge of the universe which landed you here to begin with. Just us, the dream murmurs. Wouldn’t that be nice? 

Maybe it would be. Maybe it would wreck you. Maybe you’d deserve it. 

Still, you look, and Matt’s hand falls from your own.

(It’s a pity that no amount of searching will ever yield the truth before you. You don’t know how many times Matt sat, surrounded by the Coalition’s chaos and the deafening silence of the stars, thinking to himself that maybe it all would’ve made sense if you were there. You picked things apart like no one he’d ever met before – plucked at the threads of fate until they sounded a tune you were satisfied with, unrelenting in your pursuit of something of your own. You with your quiet eyes and brittle edges you’d sometimes snap against the outside just to see if they would crumble. He would’ve given you every good thing in the world, if only he’d had the chance.

You’re sitting beside him now, sadder than maybe anything else he’s ever seen, and he thinks: his chance is here. But somehow, the good things are all out of reach.

So nothing comes. Ordinarily, the words would beat against the trapdoor of his throat, raining fists down on soft tissue in unceasing droves. I love you. You are the one part of me I never lost. I love you. You are everything to me; there’s nothing I’ve ever known more. I love you I love you I love you. He’d crafted all those beautiful words so clearly before. There’s nothing to show for it, now, but he remembers the thoughts and how they’d swarmed him in the unending night.

Matt wishes you could see into him.) 

Tentatively, your hand strays. It’s a cautious act – Matt is glassy-eyed in a way you’ve never seen; all you know is to handle it with care. Your pinky curls around his own before the warmth of him greets you, and when his fingers bloom over your palm you close your eyes and try not to think of the deeds they are nestled in. A doctor’s hands, Colleen once jested after you’d accidentally split the tip of your finger on a kitchen knife. Got to be careful with them. Would she still say it if she knew the things you’d done with a bayard lodged in your grip? If she knew how you’d let her only son drift like an hourglass run between your fingers? 

“You’re always slipping away from me.” You whisper, voice fed through a mirthless smile. 

Matt humours you again, and relief washes through you as the sheen over his gaze starts to thaw before your own. “I disappeared into space one time.” 

He knows that’s not what you meant. It’s a strange, liminal place that the two of you find yourselves stranded within — not quite friends, not quite lovers, but soulmates, definitely, maybe. The thought shatters you just a little. 

“Hey – look at me.” Calloused hands retreat from your own to fall on your shoulders. Your gaze flickers up, unsteady waves crashing against warm, fractured brown pools – the same, you think. Always the same. You know that ability to hold. “We’re gonna be okay. It’s still us, isn’t it?” The muted little glimmer of hope in his eyes is the heartrending kind. “It’s still us.” 

Matt holds you like his pleas perfuse your very being. People seem to do that a lot, these days. 

“Yeah.” You force the word past and taste salt in your mouth. “Of course it is.”

I don’t know how not to grieve you.

He has to know it. In the low light, you can see yourself swimming in his eyes, and you can only begin to conceive what stares back at him from your own. A returning prayer. Please see me, it goes. You have been searching for the right words for so very long, and your limbs are growing heavy. Please find a way to love me that I will understand. 

(Is there even such a thing?)

Steady arms engulf you. 

“We’ll be alright.” Matt murmurs into your skin, and you think that it is more for himself than it is for you. “I’ll make sure of it.”

I’m never letting you go. Not again.

You can only hope. 

end

notes: thank you so much for pulling through to the end! i will be honest, i don’t know how i feel about this one but my love for that boy transcends my lack of ability. matt holt you will always be famous

Too many fics about Michael getting his heart broken because his SO/crush slept with his dad. I want a fic where he invites his SO/crush to his house, leaves them alone for a minute, runs back over when he hears a commotion, and sees them getting in a fist fight with his dad.

zoro with a huge cock he doesn't know what to do with it

i shall elaborate. ૮˃̵֊ ˂̵ ა

cw. fem! reader, breeding kink if u squint, inexperienced!virgin! zoro (but it’s not mentioned), zoro lowkey acts like a pervert, solo male masturbation, hand/blowjob, cowgirl position, lots of cum, awkward boners, boob job, facials, creampie and/or breeding, damn this shit kinda long :/

note. this was supposed to be a 500 word thirst but i ended up writing this 2.3k monstrosity. so enjoy!

zoro who’s dick is so big & thick he doesn’t know what to do–every time he’d get a hard-on it’d always end up being awkward cause’ anyone who’d be there present with him would be able to notice it. The baggy clothes he’d be wearing would sometimes help him cover up his ridiculously huge erection but zoro still thinks it wasn’t enough coverage.

And when zoro thought it coudn’t get any worse, you suddenly came in the picture. Making the poor man suffer from even more awkward boners.

When he would be hanging around the crew but suddenly he’d get a sudden flash of your face & then he’d be put into this awkward situation. Having to rush to the nearest bathroom in the sunny to take care of his hardening cock.

The whole time zoro was in the bathroom, he would be letting out frustrated groans, he was stroking his cock in an aggressive manner–throwing his head back in frustration and groaning cause’ he was nowhere near his release. And he wishes you were there with him. Because, come on, you were the reason for all this to being with.

Despite zoro’s huge dick, he had heavy breeder balls that’re filled with his hot sperm <3 And zoro sometimes wishes you were with him right now, so he could empty his balls deep insides your cunt. It’s a real shame you aren’t a member of the straw hats, otherwise, zoro would have you stuffed with his massive cock all the time.

Everytime zoro goes off to jerk off, it’d always end up with him edging himself. He thinks he’s doing something wrong at this point–no matter how fast and rough he would be stroking his shaft, it was nowhere near enough and he would never be able to orgasm. Zoro started thinking that the reasoning for this is his ridiculously huge cock. That has to be the reason.

Every time zoro would finally be close to having sex, the person he’s about to fuck always ends up running away as soon and they see his sheer size. So he has been always insecure about his dick size, he’s supposed to be the greatest swordsman for fucks sake. And here he is worrying about the size of his dick.

Maybe if he had a medium sized dick–he would be able to cum as many times as he wants. But with this big one? Yeah, zoro doesn’t think he’ll be able to know what an orgasm feels like any time soon.

That was until zoro bumped into you coincidentally, you greeted him with a sheepish smile and pulled him into an unexpected hug, the poor man felt his face grow hot,, and suddenly his cock was slowly hardening. Zoro curses under his breath, scolding himself mentally, this was not the right time for this.

You were babbling about things you saw on your journey, all while using hand gestures to explain things, you had a small spark in your eyes and zoro could almost feel bad for ignoring whatever you were saying and instead focusing on the way your tits bounced with every move you made, and his eyes travelled downwards to where your crotch was. Your pussy was covered from the layers of clothes you were wearing.

Zoro couldn’t hide it anymore, his erection was poking his clothes and zoro’s face immediately went pale once he saw you take a glimpse of his hard-on. “Zoro we can continue talking in the sunny if that’s alright with you? ’M just tired of standing” and zoro immediately agreed, thinking you actually just wanted to talk–cause what else would you do? A sweet innocent, angel like you wouldn’t pull anything inappropriate.

Zoro had a confused expression when he saw you enter his room instead of just going to sit in the main area, he had an even more confused expression when he saw you lock the door–leaving you two trapped in his room. And when you made zoro sit on the edge of his bed as you went down on your knees, that’s when zoro completely lost it, finally understanding your true intentions.

His lips curved into a smirk once you started tugging on his baggy pants, “oh?” he chuckles, zoro really wasn’t sure about this. He was worried that you might get scared and leave if you saw his ridiculously large cock. “you sure ya’ wanna do this?” and you looked up at him with pleading doe-eyes, you pulled down your shirt, your tits bouncing from the impact; “mhm, wanna have you cum on my face n’ tits, please?”

Zoro’s breath hitched, completely mesmerized from the view in front of him. You finally tugged down his pants, his cock slapping you in the face–zoro immediately muttered a ‘sorry’ his face already turning red. But you honestly didn’t mind, what shocked you more was how big zoro was, you knew he was going to be big by the way his erection was poking his pants but not this big.

His tip itself was huge, it was mushroom shaped and had a pinkish color to it, his shaft was a very light shade of almond, pre-cum dripping down his base and you couldn’t help but worry if it’ll be able to fit inside your mouth or if it’d be able to go between your tits. While you took your time eyeing it, zoro immediately grew worried & insecure–is it too big? did you not like it? And then zoro thought that what if you won’t be able to make him cum as well? He had so many futile jerking off sessions he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to cum anymore.

Zoro was snapped out of his thoughts when you wrapped your small hands around his dick, you had to use both hands to be able to fully satisfy zoro. You started with his tip, circling your thumb around the head until zoro started groaning from the feeling. Slowly moving down to the base and giving it small strokes using both hands, zoro gripped the sheets of his bed–it was completely different from what does.

Zoro would usually just go straight into it, moving his hands rough and fast to get himself to cum but it never worked. But now that you were the one doing it for him, it felt way better than when he does it alone. You were cradling his cock, kneading the tip gently, moving your hands very gently and slow. It was like you were teasing zoro the difference was that it felt so fucking amazing.

You withdrew your hands and zoro groaned in response, his face was flushed red as he took a quick glance at you, his eyes fluttered shut once he saw you positioning his dick between your breasts. He moaned at the soft feeling of your tits around his cock, swallowing his saliva when you took his tip in your mouth, sucking on the fat head of his cock sloppily.

“A-Ahh–shit–” he murmured, running his hands through his hair as he watched your tits swallow his entire length once you squeezed them together. The tip of his cock remained in your mouth, your tongue was wrapped around it–while you kept sucking on it messily. Drool kept dripping from the side of your chin and coating your tits, you looked up at zoro, his head was thrown back as he gripped the sheets beneath him.

When zoro decided to take a small glimpse of your state right now, he immediately regrets it. His huge tip was bulging in your mouth, a few tears covering your lashline, you were squishing your breasts together as you slightly bounced your body. And now, zoro was letting out low hisses, his thighs trembled, cock twitched, and now he was cumming all over your face and tits.

You looked up at zoro with a shocked expression and a cum covered face and zoro himself was shocked as well. He was trying to process this, is this how am orgasm feels like? ’cause fuck, he’s already addicted to the feeling of it.

You licked off the white stains from your face, you got up and pushed zoro back on his bed. “Can i ride you? Pretty please?” zoro’s eyes widened, face becoming even more flushed that even his ears turned red. “I-uh, Are you sure?” you nodded your head, you just had to prepare yourself before taking his stupidly big cock.

You grabbed zoro’s hands, pulling out his middle and index finger, you placed them above your panties, moving zoro’s hands–causing his fingers to rub your clothed cunt, zoro lets you do as you please, watching in amusement as you used him for your own pleasure. Once you took off your panties, you guided zoro’s fingers to your clit, making him rub it until you were moaning from the feeling.

“I think i g-got it, so let me do it” zoro offers and you immediately agreed, letting go of his hands as zoro’s fingers trailed to where your small hole was. This is where his cock was supposed to go? Holy shit. He pushes in his thick digits & your walls immediately clamped down on them, zoro starts with slow thrusts of his fingers–and you were already dripping on them.

With only a few more thrusts, you were already close, zoro’s fingers were already too thick and fulfilling–you can’t imagine how’d it feel to be fucked by his huge dick instead of his fingers. You grabbed zoro’s hands which startled him, “s-stop, wanna cum on your cock instead, please” zoro raised a brow but obeyed nonetheless, retracting his fingers from your drooling cunt.

You placed your hands on his abs for balance as you positioned yourself on top of zoro’s cock, slowly pushing down, your body quivered, breath caught short as the tip was slowly penetrating you and you could already feel the stretch from just the tip alone. And shortly, his whole length was inside you, you still couldn’t move–trying to adjust his ridiculous size.

And zoro couldn’t take it anymore, he wanted you to move, the warmth of your pussy and the way it was sucking him all the way in felt all too good but he can’t stop thinking about how great it’d feel if you’d just fucking move. He then took ahold of your wrists and thrusted his hips upwards, a scream left you, “w-wait zoro!” you weren’t expecting for zoro to be this inpatient.

He thrusted into you one more time, as tears started covering your lashline–he was stretching you so good right now, particularly splitting you open. “Feels so good, fuck” he sighs, feeling your walls clamp down on him, zoro’s eyes fluttered shut, gripping your waist with both hands as he bounced you up and down his cock.

Zoro traces the outline his cock is leaving on your stomach, was this him inside you? He threw his head back, feeling you clench down on him every time the tip hits your cervix. “You’re so good, so good f’me” he coos, and all you could do was nod in response. Tears streaming down your cheeks as you try and bounce on his cock but ending up as a whimpering mess, leaning on zoro for support.

His cock was deep inside you, a bulge visible on your tummy, his hips were pressed against your ass, and his hands were wrapped around your waist. God, You couldn’t ask for more than this, no, zoro couldn’t ask for more. He already came earlier and fuck, it felt so good.

Everytime zoro would thrust upwards, he would let out a hiss, droopy eye’s looking down at your messy face. “shit, you’re so tight” he’d groan, watching as your body trembles with every thrust, as obscene sounds slipped past your lips.

“z-zoro,” and zoro swears he could cum just by the sound of you calling out his name, “gnna’ cum, so close!” you threw your head back as you gripped zoro’s hair, your eyes rolled back as your whole body quivered— pornographic moans left you as you came all over zoro’s cock.

Zoro brought up a hand to your face, wiping the tears from your cheeks, removing a strand of hair and tugging it behind your ear—zoro then gave you a quick peck on the lips. His hands finding their way around your waist once again.

And it wasn’t long after zoro was also near his climax, zoro pressed a hand to his mouth to soak up the moans he’s struggling to hold in while his other hand still held your waist down. Zoro’s thighs trembled, bucking into you until he was cumming deep inside you, stuffing you to the hilt with his thick, creamy cum.

And after that incident, you were zoro’s personal flashlight. Always having his cum on either your tits, face or inside your mouth or/and cunt. You were always getting fucked by zoro, well this was bound to happen — he finally found someone he could give his cum to.

You couldn’t say that you were used to his size, you’d still always get shocked whenever his cock would basically slap you in the face. Always having to do hours of prep to make it fit. And as always, you’d getting fucked too dumb you’d pass out while zoro was still thrusting into you.

Sometimes he’d get too riled up and would slam his cock into your “too small” cunt without any prep and would finally release you when he has already stuffed you with his cum at least five times. He would sometimes make you walk around with his cum dripping down your legs and would watch from afar as you try to run to the nearest valley to clean yourself up.

Despite being stretched by his cock way too many times, you’d always feel tight for zoro and you’d also always feel like his splitting you open every time.

And you’re not sure if you’re supposed to be happy that you got yourself a dumb boyfriend with a stupidly big cock which he doesn’t know how to use without your help.

Year of the Snake!! 🐍

THE NEW MLB EP EXCUSE ME ???

ALSO MARCIEL CANON AAAAAAAA

girls are like “I want a boyfriend” but reject everyone because none of them are their comfort characters

Thinking about how easy it is for Bruce to manhandle you. He's so much bigger and stronger so it doesn’t take much for him to grab you and manoeuvre you into whatever position he wants. (while also still making sure that you’re comfortable and it’s pleasurable for you as well).

He loves it when you're on top, his grip on your hips harsh, as he effortlessly moves you up and down his cock, like you're his own personal fucktoy. Throughly enjoying every last noise that leaves you as he makes you take his cock.

Or when he's got you against the wall, holding you up effortlesly. Your legs spread almost impossible wide to accommodate his larger frame as he fucks you. Even better if the two of you are in the shower or the batcave, your moans reverbing off of the walls, only encouraging him to fuck you harder and faster until you're dripping with his release.

When I find a 10k+ words count, friends to lovers, where he fell first and harder, extra yearning, no smut, fluff + angst fic

trailing off bc you think no one is listening to you only for the quiet one of the group to nudge your foot w theirs ): so you continue talking — quieter this time — and they’re not looking at you but you see a lil quirk of their lips and the occasional head nods when you pause ):

chifuyu, hakkai, kakucho, saiki, aren, asahi, yamaguchi, fukunaga, kenma, semi semi, mori, barbatos, belphie, satan, your fave <3