AHHH PLEASE DOOOOOOOO!!

THE BEST-WORST MUSICAL

have a read of this thing if you really need a giggle. its so bad

PLEASE DONT READ IT YOURE SENSITIVE TO LGBTQIA+ TOPICS!!!!!!!!:

sometimes i just sit there and wonder what i identify as.

i grew up in an area where i didn't have much representation of anything, "gay" was an insult and colours were dedicated to specific chromosomes. if you grazed football as a girl, you were seen as a tomboy alongside if you even looked at claires you were just odd. i think some messed up part of me still believes that, despite every fibre in my being disagreeing with it. there wasn't much representation of being homosexual in a form or another, mainly just jacqueline wilson books i peered into with such curiosity and utmost wonder.

it sort of struck me that i was different when i was much younger too. hell, sleepovers with girls scared me since they smelled so "sweet" or they were much prettier than me. we all watched films with the odd kissing scene and wanted to peer into the mirror, maybe attempt at looking into it without shame. it didn't stick, yet it didn't wipe off. i kissed a girl on her cheek in my bedroom when i was about nine, fags the most ive ever done, and i don't count it fully either. i kissed a girl on her hand too but still, that doesn't count in my books. nobody ever had the "it's okay to be gay" talk with me but they never had the "being gay is a sin" either. it just sat uncomfortably in the room. all the pins and homemade flags were just pretty colours opposed to something with significance in this world. ive tossed the majority of the relics besides a pin i bought when i had a sense of freedom for the first time but that's about it at most. we still haven't talked about it, and we don't intend on it either.

i remember my mom watching a tv programme with me, her eyes flickering towards me whilst saying "i don't get why people come out. i get where she was coming from, as if it was natural, but she was also the figure who never brought up these sort of conversations. the woman who made me feel a sense of crushing burden when i felt a sense of anger. i just shrugged it off, and never gave my views on the matter. i think if i had the confidence, i would have said something along the lines of "it's because we live in a society where showing who you really are needs courage".

i think i did tell her i was pansexual when i was younger too, this was during a mist of things where id say random bullshit to them as a joke, hoping they'd want to linger nearby. i haven't said a word yet.

gender was another thing that puzzled me, which still does. i never really thought much about it, i just thought you were female, male, or non-binary. that's it. no more options, just three buttons and you could click one. i used to lie awake, my mind thinking about issues for me to go 'holy shit am i trans??' which obviously still happens; why would i be writing this out otherwise? i dipped into being demigirl to nonbinary to immediately agender and i sort of sat there, sticking a label on it like they have to me with other diagnoses. i go from wanting big tits and being the epitome of feminine beauty to wanting to have top surgery and going by a new name. i know gender is a spectrum, but some part of me knows everyone around me wouldn't accept me, thinking im more mentally ill than i am.

i don't know why i decided to type this out either. maybe to give myself clarity instead of chastising myself for what's happened in my world.

ive only ever dated afabs. one cis. one somewhere between demigirl and nonbinary and the other transmasc. i know i hurt them one way or another, and so did they. i speak to one of them a few times now and again but for the other two, i apologised to one of recent and it's stuck to my mind. the other i fucked up so bad it hurts to look into a mirror. i think amabs scare me and i don't know why. i attach myself to older guys in films and loosely to other people, remarrying shane in stardew over and over again. one minute i have a preference and then it drastically changes.

my friend once said that people who are lgbtqia+ must have some evolutionary default in them, which i believe heavily. i have autism and probably some other stuff undiagnosed (my autism is clinically diagnosed yall) so that checks out. i saw a survey a while back that most people who are lgbtqia+ are diagnosed professionally or self with something along the lines of adhd, autism, and other mental disorders. but that's all we are. disordered motions, grasping onto conclusion.

maybe one day i will find somebody and it will make perfect sense. maybe i won't find anybody. for now, i know that i can only try, and when i try i collapse in tears wondering why nobody likes me.

Hi it's Bex this is my account!!!!

hihihiiii!!!!

GONNA THROW MY EMOTIONS INTO THE TUMBLR VOID!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not sure if I'm not using the app properly. I never got into it during the mid 2010's or anything, rather during 2021 summer, during a period of time where I wouldn't leave my room besides emergencies. I used it mainly for a replacement of Pinterest - gazing at fan stuff for my hyperfixations - and continue to this day in that way. I never posted anything, maybe tossed a ball back and forth between a friend of mine.

Anyway. Here. If you like socially awkward (not socially anxious online) people, then hey. Perfect fit.

ANYWAY PT2: I feel different mentally. Back when I first joined, I wouldn't leave my room. Now I can't go into it. I had to swap rooms with a sibling due to how many bad memories would flock each night. It's still the same case. I still struggle to fathom the right words for what it is. I used to wanna do a "Stardew Valley Shane 6-hearts" sort of moment but now... I don't know? It's an option, subconsciously sat in the back of my mind, sure, I just couldn't bring myself to it. I'm riddled with fear about the future, near and far. Hah. That's me for you. I'll open up for a split second, then change the subject the moment I realise I've let others in.

I don't know! I never typically use grammar in sentences when typing, unless it's something important or it's fanfic writing.

Goodnight.

then on tumblr if you look at somebody they either cancel you, make fanart of you or make an entire blog dedicated to your existence.

the internet is weird

going from reddit to tumblr is crazy

what do u mean i can say “old man yaoi” and get a standing ovation ?? where are my downvotes from horrified 40yo conservative men ??

put some puddle water into it. no it won't help but atleast you can say that you once ate puddle water/soy sauce rice one time!!

gusy i put too much soy sauce in the rice 😭😭

WE ARE SO CLOSE TO 100 HITS!!!!!!<3

ITS FRIENDLY PUDDLE WATER

gusy i put too much soy sauce in the rice 😭😭

my friend irl came out to me as a furry like im happy for him but i also decided to make him a painting of his fursona. i can't paint nor have i ever drawn anything anthropomorphic besides bojack horseman. help.